God Announces Plans for ‘Bible: The Movie’

            To the simultaneous excitement and dismay of God’s many fans, God announced his plans to convert his most successful books, the Old and New Testament, into a series of movies.  “I remember growing up with these books.  I couldn’t get enough of them”, said Pope Benedict XVI, president of God’s Official Fan Club.  “I can’t wait to see these timeless books converted into a movie, but I’m kind of worried that they won’t get it right somehow.  I mean, we’ve seen so many movies sacrifice plot for special effects.  Avatar [both of them], the Avengers, 300, every movie with the word ‘Titan’ in the title, has done exactly this.  I mean, I love cool explosions as much as the next guy, and I know the fire and brimstone scenes are important, I’m just worried they’ll focus too much on them.”

            However, several people are dismayed by the news.  “Oh great, now there’s a movie about it” said Bill Maher.  “I guess we’ll just have to troll it like we do everything else we don’t like, like Blackhawk Down, 300 and Twilight.  Because if we don’t like something, then we need to ruin it for everyone else.”  Several atheists have also written negative reviews of the movie in advance to anticipate the movie they know they won’t like.  Michael Moore has already bought the rights to a parody of the Bible, insisting that he’s never done anything like this before.  “Haters gonna hate” said director Pat Robertson.  We’ve got a great cast, a great script, and a great following that will stick with us no matter how many chapters we need to chop this up into.  And if nothing else goes well, we got Morgan Freeman.  Even the atheists cant’ touch us in that regard!”

            And the cast is really excited to get going for the movie.  “I heard that there’s a fight scene between Jesus and the money changers at the temple.  Hopefully I can incorporate some moves I learned in Ghost Rider in that scene.  I don’t know how I’ll make National Treasure useful, though” said Nicholas Cage.  “You know, there are other actors who could probably play God just fine, but okay, here goes again” said Morgan Freeman.  And you don’t want to know what Madonna had to say about her part.  The question had something to do with a question about destroying yet another heroine held dear by thousands of people, but it was cut off by a swearing tirade and a tomahawk-style thrown microphone.  She will be playing the Blessed Virgin Mary.

 

            Projected Cast:

 

                        God- Morgan Freeman

                        Jesus- Nicholas Cage

                        The Virgin Mary- Madonna

                        Moses- Adam West

                        King Saul- Liam Neeson

                        King David- Christopher Nolan

                        Samson- “The Rock”

                        Judas Iscariot- Heath Ledger (resurrected by God to play the part)

                        The Devil- Robert Patterson                       

            Movie Ratings so far:

                        Chicago Tribune- 2 stars

                        New York Times- 2 ½ stars

                        L. A. Times- 2 stars

                        Boston Globe- 1 ½ stars

                        Atlanta Journal- 5 stars

                        Tennessee Tribune- 5 stars
                        Birmingham Weekly- 5 stars
                        Mississippi Press- 5 stars

           

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New “Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness” Ice Cream Flavor

            Many young men and women find breakups difficult to cope with.  The following days are often filled with tears, lack of personal hygiene and yelling at romantic comedies like the actors could hear you.  And what goes better with all of that than a one pint tub of ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s?  “We here at Ben & Jerry’s love to make people happy with our delicious and varied types of ice cream.  And what better group to make happy than a demographic that is already abysmally distraught?”  said Ben.  “We’ve already been helping the newly anointed lonely for a long time.  Jerry and I had long thought about releasing a flavor to give tribute to our best customers, but were worried they’d see an unintended double meaning.  But then we realized that post-breakup college kids don’t see meaning in anything.  So that’s why we’re unleashing a new flavor: ‘Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness’!”

            Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness is made of “Dark Chocolate ice cream, nihilist nougats, abandoning almonds and let-yourself-go licorice”.  “This ice cream is great!” said one lonely soul.  “Almost as great as… Jennifer… oh how did I manage to mess this all up?  Why me? Why?...”  On the back it also lists all sorts of great activities to engage in while eating this flavor, and any other delicious flavor of Ben & Jerry’s:

·                     Staring through your tears and into the uncaring sky.

·                     Listening to the playlists “She” used to make for you.

·                     Watching the Notebook, hating them every moment of their happiness.

·                     Curling up in a ball.

·                     Lashing out at friends and family while they support you.

·                     Cry yourself to sleep.

“No you’re not…” says Canada after Obama Wins Election

            On November 6^th, 2012, President Barack Obama secured the presidency for the second time.  After hearing the news, red states and their Republican residents outraged over the results.  “I can’t believe America chose a socialist Kenyan!  I can’t live in a dictatorship, so I’m moving to Canada!” said one anonymous Tea Partier.  “Why would such a free country choose such a tyrant?  I’m moving to Canada before the U.S.A. becomes the U.S.S.R.!”  This tendency to claim to be ready to abandon their country and their democracy to show how much they love their country and their democracy seems baffling to many.  Many foreigners, especially Canadians, don’t understand about how threatening to leave the country seems so patriotic.

            So in response to the statements of the aforementioned Tea Partiers, Canada released a statement that spoke for all Canadians: “Oh, Bullshit” said the statement.  “You’ve been saying this every year for the past couple decades.  And there’s never this mass exodus to Canada that everyone keeps saying they will join.  And it never happens.”  In a poll conducted in Canada about the U.S. election, one question asked was ‘Do you think the Americans will actually move here this time’.  1% said yes, 2% said no, 49% said ‘Oh jeez, not this crap again’ and 48% rolled their eyes and walked away. 

            The Canadian Statement ended with the following words: “The closest thing you’ve had to a mass exodus into Canada is the Underground Railroad, and that was because of slavery.  Yeah.  The slaves left because they were tired of being beaten by overseers and because they wanted to live free.  What are you going to leave about, Limbaugh?  Because you don’t want to pay more taxes?  Because the gays can marry in some states?  Come on… just stop talking.  Just stop.  Please.  We all know better.”

            “And by the way, don’t say you’re going to leave because of Obamacare.  Because when you get here, well, let’s just say you’ll be a bit disappointed.”

Polls Radically Shift as Nation Realizes the Winner of the Election Becomes President

            In the midst of what has perhaps been the longest election season in American history, we voters can be so distracted by the little unimportant things that we forget what to actually vote about.  Sometimes, it’s a random gaffe about cheesy grits and Davy Crocket.  Other times, it’s getting angry at a candidate who just might have forgotten his anniversary because of a debate, then looks visibly guilty on national television.  But whatever the distractions, the American people had completely forgotten that the point of the election was to determine who the next president would be.  After a collective mental image of Mitt Romney sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office, half of (maybe a little less.  Like forty-seven percent or something) America felt a cold chill run up its spine and then decided to not vote for Mitt Romney

            “Oh, yeah.  Completely forgot why those guys were out there” said an independent Ohio voter.  “There were just so many ads, debates and speeches bombarding me, I just sort of forgot what it was all about.  Good thing I remembered too; I almost voted for Romney.”  Another Florida college student also said the following: “You see, my dorm is right across from a gas station, and the prices have just kept going up and up.  And that made me feel bad about… stuff… so I decided to support Mitt Romney.  But then, last night I remembered that if I vote for Romney, then my vote and all the votes I encouraged people to cast would make Romney more likely to become president.  And since I, like most non-Utahans, don’t want Romney to become president, I withdrew my support.”

            The poll results as of last week: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 48.

            The poll results as of last night: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 2, Jon Huntsman 3.

OX News: Chris Christie Selfishly Engages in Bipartisan Hurricane Recovery

After the arrival of Hurricane Sandy, many along the eastern seaboard began to wonder how it would affect them and their day-to-day lives.  Among those people worrying about the super storm is the Republican Party.  At first, it looked like a great thing for their election.  The Hurricane would hit, everyone would be in a bad mood and then the country would blame it all on Obama.   But then, all of the election-helping destruction turned into unhelpful destruction when Obama started not only doing a good job preparing for the storm, but had that good job praised by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  “When the President deserves praise, I will give him praise” said the Governor, completely ruining everything.  He then went on to talk about how big of a help Obama was in alleviating the damage to the state and speeding up the process of declaring it an emergency zone. 

“I have never seen such a blatant betrayal as this one” said OX News contributor Charley Bratwurstscrewdriver.  “It’s been bad enough hearing all these moderate Republicans like that Colin Powell endorse Obama, but all of a sudden a little rain and wind hits his state and one of our hardliner Republicans said that he’s doing a good job.  How selfish could you be?  Just imagine if you were Romney and all of a sudden one of your biggest supporters says ‘He doesn’t give a damn about politics right now’?  Why can’t he put this Hurricane into perspective?!?!”

Hurricane Sandy is also a poorly disguised attempt by the president to boost his election numbers.  By politically showing off under the guise of ‘doing his job’ in the last days of the election, Obama can win the election.  It might seem all nice and bipartisan on the outside, with Obama and Christie working together to ‘restore power’ and ‘rescue drowning people, but it’s really all a big scam.  A big, helpful scam.

Willy Wonka Endorses Mitt Romney

          Over the past few months, many celebrities, newspapers and… actually mostly just celebrities, have given the American people their take on who should be the next president.  However, the Romney campaign claim that they have just received an endorsement that they are confident will change the tone of the race.  “I am proud to receive the endorsement of a fellow businessman, a man that shows the values and ethics that define my economic and social policies” said Governor Romney.  The man that he was talking about was none other than a certain William Wonka.  Many claim that they are not shocked by the endorsement, claiming that Wonka and Romney have similar backgrounds.

 

             "When I heard the president say “you didn’t build that”,it really angered me. Me and my oompaloomas worked very hard to build this wonderful factory. Tee hee. It was built on the backs of hard working oompaloomas, and also on the literal backs of several naughty children who tried to swim in my chocolate moat and then sunk to the bottom, becoming one with the building’s foundation. This was part of the reason I installed the suction pipe. At any rate, I feel the president is like an adult telling a business what to do. As a grown man acting like a psychotic child, I feel the need to rebel against this adult figure telling me how to run my beloved chocolate factory, and asking me how I’m going to pay for the medical bills of those four naughty children who stole my chocolate. Tee hee" said Mr. Wonka.

            A former worker of Wonka’s, an anonymous elderly man named “Joe”, expressed surprise at Wonka’s endorsement.  “I would’ve thought that Mr. Wonka would be all for government regulation of business.  After that darned Slugworth stole all of Mr. Wonka’s great ideas, I would’ve figured he would enjoy the government intervening to ensure that everybody plays by the rules.  But then again, he inexplicably fired everyone in the plant on extremely short notice and then replaced us with foreign workers, so, maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised…”

            The Chocolate Tycoon has previously stayed out of political elections, taking an extremely neutral stance.  This also happened to be during the long period of time that Wonka let no one in and no one out of the Wonka factory, while Wonka traveled the world to find new secrets of chocolate.  But going away for years and then inexplicably returning with an exciting announcement isn’t really trailblazing for celebrities.

            While this endorsement is sure to affect the election, many are still waiting to hear Gene Wilder’s version of Wonka’s opinion on the matter, which is more likely to side with the president than the darker, more psychotic portrayal of Wonka that Johnny Depp played in the newer, less liked version of the beloved film.

“The South Will Rise and Fall Again” An Op-Ed by a Realistic Southerner

By A Realistic Southerner

 

            Welp, I don’ know about you, but one uh these days, when y’all Yankees least expect, the old Confederacy will gather it’s arms and rise up.  And then fall due to a lack of organizational coherence, bad logistic infrastructure and lack of raw materials.  ‘See, us people in the South know that we ain’t the United States of America; we’re a conquered land: occupied since 1865.  And after over a hundred years of oppression, the Southern People will rise up, form a new nation in Richmond and renew the Old Confederacy.  Then that too will collapse due to a border-line redistributionist state that causes milk and bread riots.  Don’t tell none of m’ neighbors, but when yeh think ‘bout it, the South was kinda socialist near the end of it.  Compulsory draft, considerations to emancipating the slaves, redistribution of basic resources.  Purty socialist if yeh ask me.

            And hell, yeh just gotta think how close we came tuh winnin’the first time around.  If we just won at Gettysburg or Antietam, the English and French would ‘uh sent us troops and arms teh help us beat them Yankees.  Of course, they didn’t have ironclads, and the Union did, so it’s unlikely that they would’ve been able to win the pitched naval battle that the European forces would need to win before getting those troops and arms to the South.  But still, we almost won it.  We just didn’t.

            So you can count on it.  Them Yankees may not know it, but we’re-a-gonna rise up.  The Mason-Dixon line will once again become the borderline between the backwards north and the righteous south.  The border won’t last long, probably due to the overwhelmingly advanced and well-executed offensive the Union will inevitable use to crush our frontline, if we even manage to form one.  Sure as death and taxes, the South will rise again.  And then fall due to an overtaxed, death-ridden populace weary from funding a doomed war machine.

Possible Election Game-Changers

            This campaign so far has been very uneventful.  Aside from Romney’s 47% gaffe and the Terrorist Attack in Benghazi, very little has happened outside the ordinary.  So we news organizations have desperately developed this list of game changers that could happen last minute in both campaigns that would break their respective candidates chances at the presidency.  Because we don’t have anything better to report on other than overly-obvious crap. 

            Things that could destroy the Obama campaign:

·         Libya becomes a thriving democracy and funds their new nation by driving up the price of oil.

·         Latest polls who Obama carrying 47 percent of the vote, validating Romney.

·         Oh who are we kidding, those polls don’t mean shit.

·         A very big dinosaur.

            Things that could destroy the Romney campaign:

·         Like so many Republicans before him, Romney suddenly develops the inexplicable urge to talk about rape non-stop.

·         America’s economy completely returns.  Free enterprise and opportunity reign supreme.  And everyone lives happily ever after.  That’d really fuck over Romney.

·         An even more conservative Romney robot comes from the future to destroy the currently moderate Romney.  Like in the Terminator.  That movie was cool.

·         Everyone decides that Jay-Z is right.

            Things that could destroy the Ron Paul campaign… some more…:

·         College campuses across the nation spontaneously combust.

OX News: “I…Can’t stand… [America]…” says Barack Obama in Campaign Destroying Gaffe

             Last month at a political rally, Barack Obama voiced that which we here at OX News have been right about all along.  He said, over the course of an hour long speech “I… Can’t stand… [America]”.  How can we as a nation have a president that hates his own people!  It’s completely absurd, and we have it right here on tape that Obama can’t stand something.  And through paraphrasing, we understand that thing to be America.  We were later approached by one of Obama’s staff members, but all he said was, “That’s… exactly what… he meant… to say… You people at OX News… take everything… [perfectly in the correct] context.”

            Even the Obama campaign admits it themselves.  In other news, the Washington Post gave Romney their official endorsement, saying “Mitt Romney does [not] ship jobs over to China, Barack Obama is [not] a good president.” Along with, “The biggest thing that’s happened in the past four years, the death of Osama Bin Laden, was carried out by… Mitt Romney… himself.” And wrapping it all up with, “…we expect such leadership from such… a fit candidate for the job!

“We Are Four Years Closer to a Nuclear Iran” An Op-Ed by Mitt Romney

            Four years ago, Barack Obama was elected president.  It was 2008 then.  Now four years later, the year it is now 2012.  We’ve gone from having an Iran that has 2008 years past Jesus Christ’s life, and now, here we are, with Iran having four more years.  They’ve gone from having 2008 years to develop nuclear weapons, to having 2012 years to develop nuclear weapons.  It is nothing short of irresponsible, apologetic leadership to allow Iran to experience four extra years to get a weapon of mass destruction.

            I think it’s great that the president has enacted plenty of economic embargos.  But it’s not doing enough.  If elected president, I will enact a time embargo, so that time will stand still in Iran.  No one will be allowed to trade time with Iran; they will be forced into isolation.  Both politically and chronologically.  Rather than having their military behind by four years, we will have their country literally exist four years ago by the year 2016.

            We don’t see that sort of plan from President Obama, though.  Instead, we see an Iran that is four years closer to a nuclear weapon.  We also see a Chicago Cubs four years closer to the World Series.  We also see an Apple Company four years closer to developing the iPhone 24.  And finally, we see every bad thing in the future four years closer to happening.  And that is unacceptable.  Everything that happens during a president’s four year tenure is his responsibility.  Including the fact that things happened.

The Monthly’s Guide to Voting: Reasons to Vote for Each Candidate!

 

Barack Obama: The Incumbent Democrat that could’ve been way worse.

·         You don’t want to hear Romney’s unsettling laugh for another four years.

·         You have frequent nightmares of being disemboweled/stabbed by Paul Ryan’s monstrous, razor sharp widow’s peak.

·         You want to see the Call of Duty franchise come out with a bonus mission where Obama personally kills Bin Laden.

·         There wasn’t a depression, World War III, nuclear Iran, and the Yankees didn’t win the World Series.  And we all hate the Yankees.

·         Biden is just too damn funny to get rid of.

·         Racism.  I’m not going to elaborate on that concept.  I’m just going to let you think about racism.  Have fun.

·         Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Obamacare isn’t shot down by President Romney (assume that’s why he hasn’t left yet, after saying he’d leave the country if Obamacare made it through the Supreme Court).  And we all want Rush Limbaugh away from our children.

·         Do it for the children.

·         You are a woman.

·         He already won in Afghanistan and is projected to win the war on Christmas.

·         If none of these apply to you, just know that there is a 47% chance that you’d vote for him anyway.  You’re just kind of destined to.

Mitt Romney: the Republican who isn’t Bachmann, Santorum, Gingerich or Perry.  Or Cain.

·         Obama is a Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, Zerg-rushing, Noob-Tubing, America-hating, apologizer.

·         Mitt Romney is not Barack Obama.

·         You live in the Deep South.

·         You have huge problems with abortion, yet you also think birth control is a sin that tears apart the moral fabric of society.  Like single mothers.

·         Racism.

·         Stephen Colbert told you to.

·         He worked hard.  And since you and Mitt Romney are the only hard working people in the country, you two need to stick together so all of the people in the inner city won’t take over the government.  Because people in the inner city are, like, really powerful.

·         You’re poor, female, on welfare or sick, but you believe in something greater.  Unlike that extremist Muslim in the White House.

·         Mitt Romney is very sincere, because most candidates wouldn’t have the guts to admit he doesn’t care about the 47% of Americans that are dependent on the government.

·         Without the wealthy ‘trickling’ their ‘wealth’ all over you… wow that actually sounds kind of dirty now that I think about it.

Ron Paul: the Other Republican they don’t want you to know about.

·         There’s this really hot girl in your Psychology 101 class that supports Ron Paul and you want to impress her with your political awareness.

 

“Obama Blasts Romney about Something Again” By Captain Obvious

            Last weekend at a political rally involving Democrats cheering Obama on about something liberal, the President blasted Romney on his record about something political.  “Mitt Romney has bad policies” said the President.  This is obviously a new stance the President is revealing, and it is in no way mundane.  In fact, this is probably a turning point for one or the other campaigns.  Everyone should give a shit about this new, stunning information.  The idea that one political candidate would criticize another, opposing political candidate is new to our political system and underscores the new, completely unprecedented phenomenon of political parties not working together, and instead having different agendas.

            One political analyst from a university said that “Some people like it when you act tough, and some people don’t.  Just like a lot of people like the President, and a lot of other people like Mitt Romney.  However, there are also a lot of people who DISlike the President, or who DISlike Mitt Romney.”

            However, Mitt Romney fired back, saying at a political rally full of Republicans at what some might possibly consider a swing state; “Barack Obama is a bad president.”  Some have said that this is going too far, but the Romney campaign think that this is just what Romney needs.  “If people don’t think Obama is a good president, then they won’t vote for him.  And if they don’t vote for the president, then increases the likelihood of them voting for Romney” said someone from the Romney campaign.

            However, there is also a large block of voters, called ‘undecided voters’, who have not decided who to vote for.  One undecided voter from a swing state, probably Ohio, said “Obama says Romney is bad, and that makes me want to vote for Obama.  However, Romney says Obama is bad, and that makes me want to vote for Romney.  This makes me really confused.  Also, don’t put this in the article, but I might just vote for Ron Paul because I don’t like either of them.”

            In an unrelated story, many other political analysts wonder how this article, being so pathetically generic and stupidly easy to understand, is not on Yahoo or Comcast News.

Different Versions of Romney to Receive Votes Separately

            Mitt Romney began his career as a liberal, pro-choice Republican in the state of Massachusetts.  In 2011 he campaigned a far more conservative image of himself, claiming he would outlaw abortion in all cases.  After the most recent Presidential debate, he has depicted a more moderate version of himself in response to bad poll results.  After realizing how confusing this was to voters, a motion has been proposed in the Senate to divide the several planes of existence that Romney lives on into different Romneys, and you are only allowed to vote for one.  There’s the pro-choice ‘liberal Romney’ who loves universal health care.  Secondly, there’s the pro-life ‘conservative Romney; that subtly supports the Birther movement.  And finally, there’s ‘post-debate Romney’ who is a moderate, yet hates moderators.  At the end of the election, whichever Romney beats the other Romneys will run again in 2016.

            Proponents claim this is a good way to determine who Romney really is and to keep him from flip-flopping.  One proponent said, “If the public mood shifts away from one Romney, all they’ll end up doing is shifting straight back into another one.  So if you want to cite reasons for not liking Romney, you can’t use his stances on positions.  If you say you’re moving away from his pro-life stance to get away from voting for Romney, that won’t help at all.  Because then all you’ve done is move towards another, pro-choice Romney.”

            Opponents of the bill claim “it is unfair to project an image of multiple Romneys when Obama has multiple images himself.  There’s the Muslim Obama, the Socialist Obama, the Kenyan Obama, the Harvard Elitist Obama, Communist Obama, Corporate Bank Sellout Obama, and many more.  So why should Romney be punished for proactively creating his own multiple clashing personalities when Obama just lazily sat back and let other people project multiple clashing personalities on Obama?”

Big Bad Bully Biden Was Mean to Poor, Poor, Widdle Wyan in Big Boy Debate

              Wast week, the Vice Pwesidental debate took place, where Womney’s running mate, widdle Paul Wyan, took on the Vice Pwesident, Big Mean Joe Biden.  All Wyan wanted to do was tell Amewica about his conservative plan to cut taxes across the boawd and help all the poor, poor, rich people paying too much taxes, like in widdle Wyan’s favowite stowybook, Atlas Shwugged.  But the Big Bad Biden wouldn’t wet him.  All he did was laugh at Wyan, huwting his feelings, and making him feel bad.  He even called him huwtfull names, like ‘malarkey’ and ‘Jack Kennedy’.  Wyan went home and cwied and cwied and cwied.  And cwied.

            “Ha ha ha!” said Big Bad Bully Biden.  “I’m going to take all of Little Ryan’s lunch money!  And then I’ll redistribute that lunch money to the lower class!”

            But then all the nice people on the news said Wyan actually won the debate.  Hooway!  One cowwespondend fwom OX news said, “if Biden won’t play like a big boy, then he doesn’t get to win.  He has to learn to be nice to everyone.  Because even though as Vice President has the 2^nd most important job in the country, is expected to deal with the nastiest people on both ends of the political spectrum, and, as head of the Senate, must watch brutal political bickering on a daily basis, he has to be nice to the guy trying to take his job.  It’s not like Ryan isn’t running for a job that is as demanding as Biden’s.  Biden has to remember not to roughhouse with the little kids.”  However, the liberal elitist media shot back: “Ryan is considered the intellectual basis of his party.  The reason why he is on board is to provide the scholarly element that many say is now gone from his party.  Why can’t Biden test his aptitude as aggressively as he likes?  And if Ryan is going to replace Joe Biden as Vice President, why can’t we expect Ryan to beat Biden at his own game?”

            Wyan was unable to wespond to these qwestions, because he was too busy taking a nap after having too much pizza and ice cweam at the Wepublican Pawty. 

Rapture Comes in Form of Junk Email; No one Gets Raptured

            Last Wednesday, God began the rapture, to bring the apocalypse by taking the world’s innocent and righteous off the world before the chaos and destruction wrought by Satan begins.  In his eternal wisdom, He decided to begin the rapture in Iowa City by releasing a UI Email.  Anyone who simply opened up the email would immediately be raptured to Paradise, and enjoy eternal glory with the Father in a timeless utopia of peace.  Too bad no one ever reads University Emails.

            Jesús Christiansen, a devout Catholic and genuinely good person, said the following, “I would gladly give my life doing God’s work.  I worship and praise him every day.  And I know God works in mysterious ways.  I think that his decision to send the rapture in email form and then begin that email with “[UnivAdm]” is perhaps his most mysterious act yet.”  Jesús refused to deny his faith in the Lord, even at the point of a snickering demon’s pitchfork.  But he did admit that he didn’t quite understand why email form.  “I mean, the Lord is All-Powerful.  Surely he would be able to bring about the rapture in a more precise way, and in definitely a less mundane fashion.”

            God, feeling he had a few things to explain on the matter, said the following: “I thought everyone might at least open the email.  It’s not like I didn’t give any advance warning… although all the advance warnings were also in UI email form… so maybe I didn’t think this one out well enough.  I just figured that if the University of Iowa sends out all of its most important information via [UnivAdm] emails, it’d be a safe bet to use that trusted tag.  I mean, people get weird emails about going to Hell and whatnot, and I figured that if just sent a regular email about the rapture, everyone would immediately assume there was a virus on that email, or that the email would say they’d be damned to hell if they didn’t forward that email fifty of their friends.  Maybe I'll try something else with Iowa State.  They need all the help they can get...”

            God later added “By the way, hackers are sooo gonna get it on Judgment Day…”

Obama Kills Osama bin Laden Again

Let it be known that on this historic night, the 5^th of November, 2012, Osama bin Laden was shot and killed by Navy S.E.A.L.S, bringing us an end to a year of uncertainty if Osama bin Laden was truly dead.  “This morning, acting on my orders, S.E.A.L. Team 7 found Osama bin Laden hiding in a body bag in the bottom of the ocean.  Using high tech scuba gear underwater, machine guns and defibrillators, S.E.A.L. Team blew off the other half of the mastermind’s face after reviving his dead body” said President Obama “Just to be sure; I went with them and took a few shots at his rotting, moaning, zombie-like body myself”.

Democrats and Independents are generally responding well to the news though.  “It’s nice to know that our president can effectively bring our enemies to justice” said one independent editorial.  “In fact, he’s brought more than just justice.  He’s brought a sense of much needed nostalgia.  We saw a huge jump in the polls after Bin Laden died.  It was like V-E all over again.  Hitler was dead and we were number one.  When Bin Laden was killed, it brought back that feeling to everyone.  And let me tell you, we are addicted to that high.  We love to kill masterminds of destruction so much; we are willing to do it again and again and again…”

 While it is great to know that such an evil man is even deader than he was before, many on OX news predict that this President Obama is just going to showboat and take all of the credit.  “Now, I am glad that we got that extremist Islamist.  But now our extremist Islamist President is going to take all of the credit!  Again!” said Rush Limbaugh, “Why won’t he give all the credit to the heroes who carried out this operation?  And why does he pretend that Bush had no part in shooting a body bag at the bottom of the Indian Ocean?  He was there too!”

In other news, S.E.A.L. Team Seven is set to become the first group of individuals to earn the Medal of Honor twice in one lifetime.

‘The 47%’ Admit They Could Never Vote For Mitt Romney in 2012

            A few months back, Mitt Romney said that about 47% of Americans would never vote for him, due to their over dependence on the government.  He drew the ‘47%’ statistic was drawn from the same statistic that 47% of Americans who don’t pay income taxes.  After seeing the newly released video, it was pointed out that many of that 47% that don’t pay income taxes include children, active military and many of the elderly.  Still, this doesn’t quite make clear why these people won’t vote for Mitt Romney in 2012.  To represent this 47% that will not vote for Mitt Romney, an anonymous member of this 47% wrote the following editorial:

An Editorial on Willard Mitt Romney’s Assertions of the Masses

By Bryce Williamson

            While I understand that Mitt Romney made this statement without due elegance and with a clear intent of appeal towards the egos of a group of gentlemen of both great income and hubris, the statement was nonetheless disturbingly sincere.  Is this statement any less demeaning to people of our kind than the rest of this campaign?  Has Mitt Romney not already made abundantly clear that he holds those of low income and those of dependency on the state in an extremely low regard?  In my humble opinion, he has done just that.  In fact he, nay, he and his party have made this their cadence, their theme of economic theory.  They say that those who make the least deserve their state.  They say that only those with a certain degree of wealth, social status or political clout have truly worked hard.  Yet is this truly the case?  Is this not a very after-the-fact assessment, thus a corrupted one?  The very fact that the poor and the elderly, and all those who look to the government for assistance, are still alive and functioning parts of our economy and political system are a testament to our worth.  If we are idlers as Romney claimed, would we not all be starving, quite literally, to death?  It is but a simple political reality that Romney and the Grand Old Party deny.  They are loftily out of touch with the populace.  It is not we who are too weak; it is they who are too strong.  It is not we who are self-pitying; it is they who are too arrogant.  It is not we who are too dependent.  It is they who are too powerful. 

That and I’m eight years old.  Kids don’t pay taxes.  Or vote.

President Obama Legalizes Marijuana; Jumps 15 Points in the Polls

            Last week, President Obama responded to what the Democratic base has been saying for years and legalized the use and sale of marijuana.  Apparently, the move worked, and Obama now leads Romney by another fifteen points according to Gallup and Rasmussen polls.  On the written portion of the survey, many comments greatly and fervently supported the President.  We interviewed one of the poll participants, a certain Sunshyne Johnson.  “Obama’s, like the best president eeever maaaan…  Like, he’s so freakin’ good at his job.  Like I heard pizza will be more expensive now… but it’s cool, man.  It’s just cool.  I mean it’s worth it considering they’re now allowed to add some ingredients we couldn’t add before.  So, like, thanks to Obama… everything’s, like… god I’m hungry…. Wait? What?  Oh yeah… everything’s, like cool.  You know.  ‘Cuz Obama ‘n everything.

            While the move was widely criticized by Republicans and a few Independents, resistance in the House of Representatives soon plummeted.  One of the main funders of the until-now obstructionist House of Representatives, Grover Norquist, said the following on the matter: “You know… I used to, like have a grudge against Obama an’ all… but then I just… like… saw an ant the other day in my house and I was like, you know, I may not agree with you Mr. Ant.  I may not think you should, like take away all my crumbs and stuff…  but you know what?  It’s cool man.  I don’t even need those crumbs.  You need them more than I do.  So you can just have those crumbs… wait what was I talking about again?  Oh right Obama.  Ummm… like I may not agree with raisin taxes an’ all… raisins… damn I love raisins… but I don’t really need all the money I have.  They’re like the ant crumbs.  So the poor people can take the new revenue and use them for Health Care.  Just like those ants probably take the crumbs I don’t need to feed all of the poor ants.  That makes me feel happy… I like happy.” 

            In other news, both the Senate and House of Representatives have made “Free Group Hug Day” a national holiday in which people will gather in the nearest town square and, you know,  just hug it out and feel the love.

Comedians Despairingly Look Ahead To 2016 Election Season

            After being faced between the choice of a well-spoken incumbent and the country’s most generic governor, comedians nationwide are looking forward to the next election season.  “We’ve just got nothing to work with here” said one statement from the American Satirical Society “I mean, we can’t expect too much from the Democrats; most of us are liberal and they are a little less gaffe prone.  But then, out of all the hilariously stupid candidates we had back in March, from Rick Santorum to Newt Gingerich, people just had to vote for Mitt Romney.  The guy says and does nothing.  How can we make fun of that which does pretty much nothing?”

            So the Board of Directors at A.S.S. had no choice but to suspend all efforts at making fun of either candidate and has instead focused all efforts on making new jokes in anticipation of 2016’s election season.  While they still intend to deliver all satirical jokes regarding Obama and Romney that they’ve already worked on, all production of 2012 jokes will cease.  A.S.S., after consulting with political analysts, will predict the probable course of next year’s election and then make jokes regarding these tentative events.

            “The Republican Candidates should be back and as hilarious as ever.  We can always count on Michele Bachman to run again, and this is just me personally, but I have this fantasy of Rick Santorum trying to excommunicate Michele Bachman’s husband for being too feminine.  Maybe he’d even throw holy water on him!  And maybe, just maybe, Herman Cain will do a little better next year.  Why, if he could make it to the general election, he could stimulate the comedic field with enough money to get the entire economy back on track!”

            “We know that a lot of Vice Presidents get nominated, and since the main reason Joe Biden was brought on board was to be the comic relief to Barack Obama, he could offer us a lot of great material next campaign season” said Mr. Smart, President of the A.S.S. board of directors.   “We’re currently working on some connotations between Joe Biden and Jar Jar Binks that would be quite hilarious.  Sure Joe Joe Binks is fun to have around, but would you really put him in the highest office of the land?  I mean, we all know what happened with Jar Jar in Revenge of the Sith.”  Mr. Smart took this moment to pay homage to Stephen Colbert and John Stewart, worrying that a Star Wars pun might be too close to copyright of either of those shows.

            “Speaking of Vice President Candidates, the only reason why we haven’t done this sooner is because we were vainly hoping for Romney to pick another crazy for his running mate.  I mean, things looked pretty dry last election season, but then came Sarah Palin and everything turned out great.”

            But alas, it was not so.  For as long as we have a reasonable incumbent president, and a Republican challenger who cloned himself and called that clone his running mate, the comedic field will continue to suffer.

Senator Todd Akin Dooms Chances With Gaffe

            Amidst this year’s pivotal presidential elections, there are also the subtly important congressional races.  The GOP was hoping to catch up to the Democrats in the Senate with several Senatorial races that will occur this November.  One of the hopefuls, incumbent Todd Akin of Missouri, was expected to wipe the floor of the election.  But a few weeks ago, Sen. Akin made a remark about ‘legitimate rape’, which has dashed any hopes of reelection for Rep. Akin.  Yet, despite criticism within his own party, he continues to run for office.  Mitt Romney, the GOP’s republican candidate for president, tried to convince Todd Akin to drop out of the race last Saturday: “You see Mr. Akin, and this is just what I understand from Dr. Paul, in the case of an illegitimate candidate, the voter has a way of shutting down any interest in that candidate.  But let’s just say that this does work or something, I think that the punishment should fall on you if you lose and not the entire Republican Party.”

            Realizing he just said something truly ironic and funny, Mitt Romney then went on to make an off-color joke questioning Barack Obama’s birthplace, pulling the Republican Party back to earth.  In relative terms.

University of Iowa Unable to Determine the Correlation between College Students and Underage Drinking

            A few days ago, the University of Iowa was named the #2 Party School in the country, and one of the guidelines for determining a university a ‘party school’ is the amount of alcohol consumption by the students of that university.  “We just can’t seem to figure out why, though” said sociology professor Hayden Dry.  “No matter how hard we try, we just can’t ever seem to find a way to get eighteen to twenty year old kids to stop drinking.”  Professor Dry went on to describe their efforts at determining the source of the problem, but even then, Professor Dry and his colleagues were unable to discern an answer.  “What would drive a young adult to drink alcohol in a small city nothing surrounding it?  Why would a young adult drink in a city with so many bars and houses?  No matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to figure it out.”

            After hitting one too many dead ends on the matter, the University decided to take action.  “Since we can’t discern the source of the problem, we will take a more direct approach; by making laws that vaguely deal with the problem.  We will create laws that are within the general topic of the problem, but in no way deal with why kids drink.  We will take away underage students only source of drinking: bars.  We will make them take mandatory courses about sexual assault and alcohol abuse, which will cause all the students to really think about the depth of their decisions.  We will give student organizations money to attract kids away from drinking, but not enough money to run anything effective enough.  All of these strategies are proven to work… right?” said professor Dry.

Anti-Gay Lemonade Stand Makes $10,000 on Its Opening Day

            Lemonade Stands, the main source of income for kids between the ages of 6 and 12, are as American as Jesus and Apple Pie.  But like all things American, Lemonade would eventually become politicized and make record profits.  Today, Lemonade did just that.

            An eight year old, job-creating entrepreneur, Jack Johnson, opened his lemonade stand in his hometown of Rabbit Hash, Mississippi.  He started his stand with a simple dream: fresh-squeezed lemonade, fast and friendly service, and God’s hand of Judgment bringing swift and deadly justice upon the gay community.  He then named his lemonade stand ‘Lem-On-A’.  “Us kids here at Lem-On-A know that customers will respond if we sell the best lemonade around and serve it with a smile.  Unless you’re gay” said proprietor Jack Johnson.  And the citizens of Rabbit Hash responded fervently.  Responding to Jack’s delicious 25 cent lemonade and message of Christ’s deliverance on God-fearing heterosexual married couples, Jack raked in thousands of dollars in the first three hours.  But it didn’t stop there.

            “Seeing the response I got after selling all that lemonade, I decided it was time to spread the word.  The word of God” said Jack Johnson.  “I called for a press conference at OX News.  And after all the reporters had gathered at our headquarters [Jack’s swingset in his backyard] I made sure that everyone knew about my lemonade stand.  I wanted everyone to know that delicious and affordable Lem-On-A lemonade was conveniently located on my driveway at 767 Reagan Dr.  I also made sure that everyone should know that God’s judgment would be upon us as long as we continued to dispute the meaning of marriage with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Only then could the world make it to the land of milk and honey… and lemonade for the low price of 25 cents.  Buy 2, get one free!”

Are Violent Video Games Like Angry Birds Making Our Children Violent?

            Many parents have long theorized that violent games like Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty make our children violent.  Whenever there is a school shooting or a petty crime committed by a teenager, many assume the inspiration for that violence was a video game.  Until now, experts disagreed with such ideas.

            “We recently did a study about the effects of video games on children, and we were shocked by the results” said psychologist Fred Sigmund.  “When small children who commonly play Angry Birds are left in a room together with several slingshots and small birds, they immediately started loading the birds into slingshots and started shooting them at not only each other, but wooden, glass and stone structures that we set up in that same room.  Those who were not familiar with the game committed no such acts.”  Many kids were also surveyed about the game.  Many, when asked if they had fantasized about harming their teacher or school bully with an exploding black bird, 85% of the respondents marked yes.  Many other phenomena included fantasies about launching blue jays through windows, eagles dropping exploding eggs on cities and an extremely fast woodpecker breaking through their neighbor’s fence.  Even more chilling, 37% admitted to playing with their dad’s slingshot.

            “It was bad enough when kids were thinking about stealing cars or shooting Russian commandos, but this type of fantasy is just dangerous” said one child psychologist.  “You see, most kids don’t know how to steal a car, and there obviously aren’t any Spetsnaz around to just randomly shoot at, but birds and slingshots are both fairly common.  It wouldn’t be too hard for a disgruntled kid to just pick up any old slingshot and bird and go on a shooting spree at the nearest petting zoo.  No pig is safe until this game is banned.”