University of Iowa Unable to Determine the Correlation between College Students and Underage Drinking

            A few days ago, the University of Iowa was named the #2 Party School in the country, and one of the guidelines for determining a university a ‘party school’ is the amount of alcohol consumption by the students of that university.  “We just can’t seem to figure out why, though” said sociology professor Hayden Dry.  “No matter how hard we try, we just can’t ever seem to find a way to get eighteen to twenty year old kids to stop drinking.”  Professor Dry went on to describe their efforts at determining the source of the problem, but even then, Professor Dry and his colleagues were unable to discern an answer.  “What would drive a young adult to drink alcohol in a small city nothing surrounding it?  Why would a young adult drink in a city with so many bars and houses?  No matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to figure it out.”

            After hitting one too many dead ends on the matter, the University decided to take action.  “Since we can’t discern the source of the problem, we will take a more direct approach; by making laws that vaguely deal with the problem.  We will create laws that are within the general topic of the problem, but in no way deal with why kids drink.  We will take away underage students only source of drinking: bars.  We will make them take mandatory courses about sexual assault and alcohol abuse, which will cause all the students to really think about the depth of their decisions.  We will give student organizations money to attract kids away from drinking, but not enough money to run anything effective enough.  All of these strategies are proven to work… right?” said professor Dry.