Willy Wonka Endorses Mitt Romney

          Over the past few months, many celebrities, newspapers and… actually mostly just celebrities, have given the American people their take on who should be the next president.  However, the Romney campaign claim that they have just received an endorsement that they are confident will change the tone of the race.  “I am proud to receive the endorsement of a fellow businessman, a man that shows the values and ethics that define my economic and social policies” said Governor Romney.  The man that he was talking about was none other than a certain William Wonka.  Many claim that they are not shocked by the endorsement, claiming that Wonka and Romney have similar backgrounds.

 

             "When I heard the president say “you didn’t build that”,it really angered me. Me and my oompaloomas worked very hard to build this wonderful factory. Tee hee. It was built on the backs of hard working oompaloomas, and also on the literal backs of several naughty children who tried to swim in my chocolate moat and then sunk to the bottom, becoming one with the building’s foundation. This was part of the reason I installed the suction pipe. At any rate, I feel the president is like an adult telling a business what to do. As a grown man acting like a psychotic child, I feel the need to rebel against this adult figure telling me how to run my beloved chocolate factory, and asking me how I’m going to pay for the medical bills of those four naughty children who stole my chocolate. Tee hee" said Mr. Wonka.

            A former worker of Wonka’s, an anonymous elderly man named “Joe”, expressed surprise at Wonka’s endorsement.  “I would’ve thought that Mr. Wonka would be all for government regulation of business.  After that darned Slugworth stole all of Mr. Wonka’s great ideas, I would’ve figured he would enjoy the government intervening to ensure that everybody plays by the rules.  But then again, he inexplicably fired everyone in the plant on extremely short notice and then replaced us with foreign workers, so, maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised…”

            The Chocolate Tycoon has previously stayed out of political elections, taking an extremely neutral stance.  This also happened to be during the long period of time that Wonka let no one in and no one out of the Wonka factory, while Wonka traveled the world to find new secrets of chocolate.  But going away for years and then inexplicably returning with an exciting announcement isn’t really trailblazing for celebrities.

            While this endorsement is sure to affect the election, many are still waiting to hear Gene Wilder’s version of Wonka’s opinion on the matter, which is more likely to side with the president than the darker, more psychotic portrayal of Wonka that Johnny Depp played in the newer, less liked version of the beloved film.