Anti-Gay Lemonade Stand Makes $10,000 on Its Opening Day

            Lemonade Stands, the main source of income for kids between the ages of 6 and 12, are as American as Jesus and Apple Pie.  But like all things American, Lemonade would eventually become politicized and make record profits.  Today, Lemonade did just that.

            An eight year old, job-creating entrepreneur, Jack Johnson, opened his lemonade stand in his hometown of Rabbit Hash, Mississippi.  He started his stand with a simple dream: fresh-squeezed lemonade, fast and friendly service, and God’s hand of Judgment bringing swift and deadly justice upon the gay community.  He then named his lemonade stand ‘Lem-On-A’.  “Us kids here at Lem-On-A know that customers will respond if we sell the best lemonade around and serve it with a smile.  Unless you’re gay” said proprietor Jack Johnson.  And the citizens of Rabbit Hash responded fervently.  Responding to Jack’s delicious 25 cent lemonade and message of Christ’s deliverance on God-fearing heterosexual married couples, Jack raked in thousands of dollars in the first three hours.  But it didn’t stop there.

            “Seeing the response I got after selling all that lemonade, I decided it was time to spread the word.  The word of God” said Jack Johnson.  “I called for a press conference at OX News.  And after all the reporters had gathered at our headquarters [Jack’s swingset in his backyard] I made sure that everyone knew about my lemonade stand.  I wanted everyone to know that delicious and affordable Lem-On-A lemonade was conveniently located on my driveway at 767 Reagan Dr.  I also made sure that everyone should know that God’s judgment would be upon us as long as we continued to dispute the meaning of marriage with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Only then could the world make it to the land of milk and honey… and lemonade for the low price of 25 cents.  Buy 2, get one free!”