Last Wednesday, God began the rapture, to bring the
apocalypse by taking the world’s innocent and righteous off the world before
the chaos and destruction wrought by Satan begins. In his eternal wisdom, He decided to begin
the rapture in Iowa City by releasing a UI Email. Anyone who simply opened up the email would
immediately be raptured to Paradise, and enjoy eternal glory with the Father in
a timeless utopia of peace. Too bad no
one ever reads University Emails.
Jesús Christiansen, a devout Catholic and genuinely good
person, said the following, “I would gladly give my life doing God’s work. I worship and praise him every day. And I know God works in mysterious ways. I think that his decision to send the rapture
in email form and then begin that email with “[UnivAdm]” is perhaps his most
mysterious act yet.” Jesús refused to
deny his faith in the Lord, even at the point of a snickering demon’s
pitchfork. But he did admit that he
didn’t quite understand why email form.
“I mean, the Lord is All-Powerful.
Surely he would be able to bring about the rapture in a more precise
way, and in definitely a less mundane fashion.”
God, feeling he had a few things to explain on the
matter, said the following: “I thought everyone might at least open the
email. It’s not like I didn’t give any
advance warning… although all the advance warnings were also in UI email form…
so maybe I didn’t think this one out well enough. I just figured that if the University of Iowa
sends out all of its most important information via [UnivAdm] emails, it’d be a
safe bet to use that trusted tag. I
mean, people get weird emails about going to Hell and whatnot, and I figured
that if just sent a regular email about the rapture, everyone would immediately
assume there was a virus on that email, or that the email would say they’d be
damned to hell if they didn’t forward that email fifty of their friends. Maybe I'll try something else with Iowa State. They need all the help they can get...”
God later added “By the way, hackers are sooo gonna get
it on Judgment Day…”
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