Let it
be known that on this historic night, the 5th of November, 2012,
Osama bin Laden was shot and killed by Navy S.E.A.L.S, bringing us an end to a
year of uncertainty if Osama bin Laden was truly dead. “This morning, acting on my orders, S.E.A.L.
Team 7 found Osama bin Laden hiding in a body bag in the bottom of the
ocean. Using high tech scuba gear
underwater, machine guns and defibrillators, S.E.A.L. Team blew off the other
half of the mastermind’s face after reviving his dead body” said President
Obama “Just to be sure; I went with them and took a few shots at his rotting,
moaning, zombie-like body myself”.
Democrats
and Independents are generally responding well to the news though. “It’s nice to know that our president can
effectively bring our enemies to justice” said one independent editorial. “In fact, he’s brought more than just
justice. He’s brought a sense of much
needed nostalgia. We saw a huge jump in
the polls after Bin Laden died. It was
like V-E all over again. Hitler was dead
and we were number one. When Bin Laden
was killed, it brought back that feeling to everyone. And let me tell you, we are addicted to that
high. We love to kill masterminds of
destruction so much; we are willing to do it again and again and again…”
While it is great to know that such an evil
man is even deader than he was before, many on OX news predict that this
President Obama is just going to showboat and take all of the credit. “Now, I am glad that we got that extremist
Islamist. But now our extremist Islamist
President is going to take all of the credit!
Again!” said Rush Limbaugh, “Why won’t he give all the credit to the
heroes who carried out this operation?
And why does he pretend that Bush had no part in shooting a body bag at
the bottom of the Indian Ocean? He was
there too!”
In other
news, S.E.A.L. Team Seven is set to become the first group of individuals to
earn the Medal of Honor twice in one lifetime.
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