President Obama Legalizes Marijuana; Jumps 15 Points in the Polls

            Last week, President Obama responded to what the Democratic base has been saying for years and legalized the use and sale of marijuana.  Apparently, the move worked, and Obama now leads Romney by another fifteen points according to Gallup and Rasmussen polls.  On the written portion of the survey, many comments greatly and fervently supported the President.  We interviewed one of the poll participants, a certain Sunshyne Johnson.  “Obama’s, like the best president eeever maaaan…  Like, he’s so freakin’ good at his job.  Like I heard pizza will be more expensive now… but it’s cool, man.  It’s just cool.  I mean it’s worth it considering they’re now allowed to add some ingredients we couldn’t add before.  So, like, thanks to Obama… everything’s, like… god I’m hungry…. Wait? What?  Oh yeah… everything’s, like cool.  You know.  ‘Cuz Obama ‘n everything.

            While the move was widely criticized by Republicans and a few Independents, resistance in the House of Representatives soon plummeted.  One of the main funders of the until-now obstructionist House of Representatives, Grover Norquist, said the following on the matter: “You know… I used to, like have a grudge against Obama an’ all… but then I just… like… saw an ant the other day in my house and I was like, you know, I may not agree with you Mr. Ant.  I may not think you should, like take away all my crumbs and stuff…  but you know what?  It’s cool man.  I don’t even need those crumbs.  You need them more than I do.  So you can just have those crumbs… wait what was I talking about again?  Oh right Obama.  Ummm… like I may not agree with raisin taxes an’ all… raisins… damn I love raisins… but I don’t really need all the money I have.  They’re like the ant crumbs.  So the poor people can take the new revenue and use them for Health Care.  Just like those ants probably take the crumbs I don’t need to feed all of the poor ants.  That makes me feel happy… I like happy.” 

            In other news, both the Senate and House of Representatives have made “Free Group Hug Day” a national holiday in which people will gather in the nearest town square and, you know,  just hug it out and feel the love.