The Monthly’s Guide to Voting: Reasons to Vote for Each Candidate!

 

Barack Obama: The Incumbent Democrat that could’ve been way worse.

·         You don’t want to hear Romney’s unsettling laugh for another four years.

·         You have frequent nightmares of being disemboweled/stabbed by Paul Ryan’s monstrous, razor sharp widow’s peak.

·         You want to see the Call of Duty franchise come out with a bonus mission where Obama personally kills Bin Laden.

·         There wasn’t a depression, World War III, nuclear Iran, and the Yankees didn’t win the World Series.  And we all hate the Yankees.

·         Biden is just too damn funny to get rid of.

·         Racism.  I’m not going to elaborate on that concept.  I’m just going to let you think about racism.  Have fun.

·         Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Obamacare isn’t shot down by President Romney (assume that’s why he hasn’t left yet, after saying he’d leave the country if Obamacare made it through the Supreme Court).  And we all want Rush Limbaugh away from our children.

·         Do it for the children.

·         You are a woman.

·         He already won in Afghanistan and is projected to win the war on Christmas.

·         If none of these apply to you, just know that there is a 47% chance that you’d vote for him anyway.  You’re just kind of destined to.

Mitt Romney: the Republican who isn’t Bachmann, Santorum, Gingerich or Perry.  Or Cain.

·         Obama is a Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, Zerg-rushing, Noob-Tubing, America-hating, apologizer.

·         Mitt Romney is not Barack Obama.

·         You live in the Deep South.

·         You have huge problems with abortion, yet you also think birth control is a sin that tears apart the moral fabric of society.  Like single mothers.

·         Racism.

·         Stephen Colbert told you to.

·         He worked hard.  And since you and Mitt Romney are the only hard working people in the country, you two need to stick together so all of the people in the inner city won’t take over the government.  Because people in the inner city are, like, really powerful.

·         You’re poor, female, on welfare or sick, but you believe in something greater.  Unlike that extremist Muslim in the White House.

·         Mitt Romney is very sincere, because most candidates wouldn’t have the guts to admit he doesn’t care about the 47% of Americans that are dependent on the government.

·         Without the wealthy ‘trickling’ their ‘wealth’ all over you… wow that actually sounds kind of dirty now that I think about it.

Ron Paul: the Other Republican they don’t want you to know about.

·         There’s this really hot girl in your Psychology 101 class that supports Ron Paul and you want to impress her with your political awareness.