Video Game Industry Expresses Hopes for North Korean War

            After years and years of first person shooters based on World War Two, Afghanistan and the Vietnam War… once… Treyarch is proud to announce that if war breaks out between North Korea and the United States, they will make another Call of Duty about it afterwards.  “After making four different World War Two games, three Modern Warfare games and ignoring the shit out of the Cold War for years and years, we thought that a Vietnam game, the first ‘Black Ops’, would do the trick.  But since it didn’t have enough high-tech gadgets and every last weapon and killstreak wasn’t overpowered to the nth degree, nobody liked it” said one Treyarch representative “But then they released MW3.  While fans liked it a lot more, especially since it wasn’t Treyarch, a bunch of people still thought it was more of the same.  People don’t want the same game over and over again.  They want new weapons, new missions, new enemies, new wars.  And that is why we here at Treyarch are hoping and praying that North Korea is dumb enough to invade the south so we can watch our real-life army kick their asses and then make a game about it, but for some reason make a fictional storyline anyways.”

            It’s not just Treyarch that is anticipating the release of the Second Korean War; app makers are already churning out hundreds of bad tower defense games based on the coming war, along with several other smaller companies making first person shooters about the game in a “what if?” scenario if a North Korean nuclear bomb actually hit something important and programmers are releasing “Kim Jong-Un Edition” versions of Nazi Zombies.  In this mod of the original Nazi Zombies, players will be able to run-and-gun zombies of North Korean Military.  Because zombies have to be incorporated into everything.

            Everything.

OX News: Obama is the Only One Sexist Enough to Hire Women Based on Appearance

            Obama is under fire from everyone in the nation after his extremely sexist comments, calling a woman “attractive”, while at the same time, having that woman somehow, indirectly under his employ.   From this line of logic, it is fair to say that whenever Obama hires a woman, it is because he finds that woman attractive and pays no regard towards qualifications.  We here at OX News find this not only a completely unprecedented breach of etiquette, but an action that implies that only women who are attractive can get a high ranking job.  To cover this story, we have the following from Attractive Blonde Anchor:

            “In my long line of work here at OX News and nowhere else, I find it offensive that Obama is only hiring women he finds attractive.  My fellow female anchors and I have worked long and hard to get to where we are now.  Is it just because we are attractive that we have jobs?  Is it just because some pig gave me-I mean us a job that we are competent?  Is it just coincidence that every last female anchor at OX news for a few years was blonde and chesty?  NO!  I mean, yes, to that last one.  That is just all a coincidence.  Rupert Turd-ock definitely hired me due to my competence at journalism, and I was easily the most qualified woman in that binder Rupert had compiled.”

            In other news, OX News Anchor Carl Strudelsaw believes that Obama might have originally taken an interest in Michelle Obama because he thought she was attractive.

 

Michelle Obama Encourages Nation to Become Fat, Lazy; Obesity Plummets

            After a largely unsuccessful crusade on obesity, Michele Obama and Jill Biden have switched up their approach to solving America’s recent health problems.  Some have long suggested taxing sugary drinks, or banning certain sizes, as Bloomberg already has.  Others encourage that she should continue to make appearances on children’s TV shows to get to the kids.  So last week, the First Lady made an appearance on TV once again.  But not on Sesame Street, or the Disney Channel.  Instead, she made an appearance on Man v. Food to challenge the show’s host, Adam Richman to see who could eat the Mega-Choco-Cheese Triple Kidney Death Burger in the shortest amount of time.  “Who cares about health or exercise?” said the First Lady “I’m going to eat this burger because I am a free American, and that means I can eat whatever I want!” 

            The media’s response was tremendous, as this callous statement drew pause not only from her husband’s liberal base, but also amongst conservatives.  “This is merely another attempt by the jack-booted government nanny state to make the American people weak and easy to control” said OX News correspondent Chucky Strudelpliers.  “Michelle Obama merely wants the country to be fat and lazy so her husband, Comrade Obama, can take away our guns and liberties.”  In response, people across the nation, liberal and conservative, began lobbying for soda taxes, longer PE classes in elementary school and Bloomberg is no longer considered a lunatic by his constituents.  “Anything from the government is bad” said Spetzelpliers, “so if Michelle Obama says fitness and health are bad, then they must be good.  Whatever they say, no matter what they do, the government cannot be trusted.  Even if it's stuff we agree with.”

            In other news, Joe Biden recently called writing to one’s congressmen “something only hopeless nerds do.”

South Korea Invents “Heart of the Swarm” Technology to Counter North Korean Nuclear Threats

            After nuclear threats from Kim Jong-Un, the North Korean Head of State, South Korea has unveiled a military counter of its own.  “These nuclear threats do not come as a surprise to us.  After many years’ military stand-off with North Korea, it would’ve been foolish not to be upgrading and developing our surveillance systems and reconnaissance to its fullest” said one South Korean commander.  “That is why our Overseers are fully upgraded, ready to deploy changelings on a moment’s notice, and fully capable of detecting the North Korean Ghosts that would snipe our troops or call down a nuclear strike.  However, that is merely what we have been up to for the last few years.  With the development of our new “Heart of the Swarm” technology, our Zerg war machine should be more powerful than ever.”

            “Heart of the Swarm” is the latest addition to the Starcraft II trilogy, which added new units to each of the three races; the Protoss, an advanced alien race, the Terrans, the nomadic human race, and the Zerg, a completely biological race of mutated and evolved aliens.  As the North Koreans have been known to play as the Terrans almost every time, South Korea has come up with counters to the nuclear threats that Terran players naturally pose.  The South Korean commander, ‘zergrusher23’, had the following to say on stopping North Korean nuclear launches: “As South Korea has been a traditionally Zerg player, and as such, we have the following strategies in place to stop a nuclear launch.  As this conflict has already gone on for many decades, it’s a bit too late for an early Zergling rush; in fact they’ve already built all of the Ghost Academies they need to house the nuclear bombs.  However, their main strategy is to send in a Mass Marine force to shield the Ghost while he calls down the nuclear strike.  We believe that, with enough Banelings and a few overseers to sight the Ghost for us, we could take out the Ghost before he successfully guides the nuke to its target.  It would then be a few minutes before the next nuke could be produced by the North Koreans, giving us the window we need to overwhelm their base with a reserve horde of Zerglings and Hydralisks as backup.

            When asked about the nuclear standoff that occurs in the real world, zergrusher23 didn’t know what the press was referring to, and that whatever it was, this threat mustn’t be important enough to stop so many Koreans from watching and playing Starcraft.

 

Mysterious Wealthy Vigilante Stops Bank Robbery: Who Is “Trumpman”?

            Late one February New York Evening, a masked group of thugs robbed the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.  They had heavily outgunned the police and had a heavily armored truck to make their escape with.  But just when they were about to escape, four solid gold ‘Trumparangs^TM’ flew from seemingly out of nowhere, blowing out all the tires on the truck.  Then, a masked guardian of the night, Trumpman^TM, flew down from the top of Trump Towers in his Trumpglider^TM, beating up all of the bank robbers and prying open the back door with his bare hands.  But before the police could arrest him for vigilantism, he vanished.

            “We’ve never seen anyone or anything like this before” said one New York policeman.  “He came from what seemed like out of nowhere, beat the crap out of people, and left, with nothing in his wake but solid gold Trumparangs^TM.  Who could this be?”  The Police commissioner has recently found a way to contact the mysterious Trumpman^TM.  This is done by shining a spotlight on Trump Tower, which causes the mysterious Trumpman^TM to exit his lair and come to speak to the commissioner at the source of the light.  “He’s recently mentioned getting an accomplice” said the commissioner.  “He’s looking for someone younger to take role of ‘Trump Wonder^TM’, as a sidekick.  In order become this sidekick, you must first win a twelve-week televised contest, defeating all of the other celebrities to win the coveted title of ‘Celebrity Appre- I mean Trump Wonder^TM”

            As a side note, no Two-Face parallel to Trumpman will be offered, as there is already too much screwed-up hairstyling in this parody.

           

Olympians Ban All Sports “The Americans Could Beat a European Country In”

            Earlier this week, wrestling was officially removed from the list of events that take place at the Summer Olympics every four years.  The U.S. Wrestling team has long been a powerhouse in each summer event; however, when asked for the rationale behind it, it was explained as ‘an unfair event’.  This was not the first time the Olympic committee has used this rhetoric.  Similar rhetoric was used after the Olympic softball was removed from the games.  Olympic softball had been around for a total of four Olympic games, with the U.S. having three gold medals and one silver medal in those four Olympic events.  Clarifying on the statements regarding wrestling and softball as ‘unfair’, the Olympic committee released the following statement:  “American and Russia have both dominated their respective sports for too long; America and Russia have jointly dominated wrestling and America dominated softball.  After establishing these far too long winning streaks, we must cut these sports out of our program.  It’s just not fair to all of the other small countries like China, Great Britain, France and Brazil to only have a few Olympic events to be good at.  While we’re at it here is a list of sports now allowed at the summer Olympics:”

·         Soccer

·         Table Tennis

·         Handball

·         Soccer

·         Not Basketball

·         Synchronized Swimming

In other news, Women’s Soccer may be banned, given the U.S.’s current Gold Medal streak of three.

Scientists Determine Way to Create Gold Involving Native American Sacred Grounds

            The question that has long eluded alchemists in the Middle Ages has finally been answered: mankind can now easily and simply produce gold.  “The process is somewhat simple,” said Dr. White Mann, a leading scientist in the study.  “All it requires is to consolidate a large number of Native American families in a certain area, and gold will eventually be discovered under their town or land.”  Many scientists, chemical and political, have long suspected that this was true, given the track record of certain scientists.  Dr. Andrew Jackson notably tested this theory in his famous ‘1820 Gold Cultivation Experiment’. 

            While several though that this finally solved the alchemy problem, but then it was later debunked by a lack of conclusive evidence as well as another infamous ‘1830 Relocated Cultivators Experiment’ of Oklahoma.  Dr. White Mann also said, “While we are currently conducting a separate study as to why the 1830 experiment did not work, we believe that we did not give the Native Americans enough time to cultivate, inhabit and grow accustomed to the land they were living on.  This may also explain why we never found any gold between Georgia and Oklahoma.  We are even starting to believe that the more sacred the ground is to Native Americans, the more gold can grow in that place.  Or maybe the 1830 experiment failed because Oklahoma is just an all-around, shitty, shitty place that no amount of gold can improve.” 

            “We may also have evidence that after blood and gunpowder has been spread over the fields where the gold grows, the amount of gold in that area may increase somewhat.  In fact, after the ‘Indian Citizenry Experiment of 1920’, the amount of gold found in the U.S. has plummeted.  This is because, as citizens, Native Americans no longer saw fit to feed their gold crops with blood and gunpowder to nourish the growing gold.  If we could somehow find a way to sprinkle gunpowder and blood on the lands of current Native Reservations, I believe that gold just might start growing again in the United States.  Of course, we’d first need to get this experiment approved by the Supreme Court… actually, let’s not do that.  It’s not like they have the power to enforce their decisions or anything.”

            In other news, massive oil fields have been found under the homes and neighborhoods of several Arab-American communities.

Jack Harbaugh: “This Super Bowl Will Decide Which Son I Love The Most”

            Last night, The San Francisco 49ers defeated the Atlanta Falcons, securing the NFC title.  The Head Coach of the 49ers, Jim Harbaugh, was about to be congratulated by his father, Jack Harbaugh, when other news showed up.  John Harbaugh, Head Coach of the Baltimore Ravens, led his team to a decisive victory over the heavily favored New England Patriots, securing the AFC title.  As the champions of their respective conferences, brothers Jim and John Harbaugh will face each other in the Super Bowl this February.

            “I have always tried to stay away from playing favorites” said Jack Harbaugh, father of the two coaches.  “But I can no longer sit on the fence.  When the play clock reads 00:00 in the 4^th quarter, the world will know which son I love the most.  My parental love shall be measured in the points on the score board.  And like parental love in the real world, there’s no such thing as a tie.”

            Naturally, this will cause the competition to heat up between the two brothers.  “Jim always got everything while we were growing up!”  said John Harbaugh, spiking his headphone set on the ground.  “And just when I was celebrating my moment of triumph over the Falcons, when I thought I would finally be the favorite child, Jim comes out of nowhere to steal my crown.  Well he can’t have it!  Just because he’s the older brother doesn’t mean he should get all the cool stuff first, and I am sick of hand-me-downs!”  Jim is said to have contested the claim of being the favorite child, as John was the younger brother, and got away with stuff all the time.  Snapping his clip board in half, John said “Sure, as the older brother, I got to do some cool stuff before Jim did, but if anything bad happened, it was always my head in the smasher!  He doesn’t deserve this any more than I do!”

            Their mother Jackie Harbaugh remarked that she will always love her boys equally over her son-in-law, Tom Crean, who is only the head coach for the University of Indiana’s basketball team.

NRA to Require Disney World Mascots to Carry Assault Rifles

            Due to NRA lobbying, a new bill passed congress today, requiring all theme park mascots to carry an assault rifle.  “Characters like Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse always give our younger customers a sense of security; they know who the character is and drifts off into a safe cartoonish world of invulnerability”  said one NRA spokesman.  “Now wouldn’t you and your child feel even safer if Donald Duck also had an AK-47 with an extended magazine and attached Masterkey shotgun?”  The answer from parents was resounding.

            NRA is aware that in the most innocent of childhood theme parks, some things are still sacred however.  While most mascots will be required to carry an assault rifle, the princess impersonators will not be held to such a requirement.  “Most little girls look up to these princess figures as role models so they may also become serene, beautiful yet smart and determined young women.  It would hardly be fitting to give something as brutish as an assault rifle to a princess.  So they will instead be required to conceal silenced machine-pistols in their dresses or elaborate hairstyles, giving them the sense of finesse befitting a princess.”

            Not all conservative gun owners are in favor of the bill.  One dissenter, Billy Club, said the following.  “I think the kids themselves should be trained to use firearms before entering Disney World and similar theme parks.  Like they say, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a 12-year-old kid with an AK-47.  And nothing would motivate them to learn how to use a gun quicker!  You want to go to the happiest place on earth?  Then you better head to the shooting ranges!  Or as it would formerly be known as, Animal Kingdom, where vacationers can go to learn how to use guns on more challenging targets.”  While Disney Corp. apparently rejects this idea, many employees have noticed the jeeps on the safari ride have been a bit heavier lately.

            However, one thing that all agree on the subject is that our children need to be protected.  It sure would be nice if there was some trained force of non-military gun users that could protect people from guns.  In a perfect world, a trained, professional group of good guys could protect us from the bad guys with guns.  But sadly, such a force for public good does not exist.  So we must instead make do with giving every one of every age and occupation guns to make us feel safer.  That or pay taxes for a better police force, but we have to have some priorities.

Source of Clinton’s Blood Clot May be Too Much Badassery; Raises Questions About How Awesome Her Candidacy Would Be

            After recently exiting the hospital a few days ago, many wondered what the source of the scare was.  Some thought it was stress; others thought it was just old age.  However, the doctors now believe they have isolated the cause of the blood clot.  One of the doctor said: “We believe that by scaring the living shit out of just about everything in every third world country, she was channeling overly high levels of Badassery and pure power.  The plasmaic byproducts of such Badassery stuck to the walls of her major arteries, thus causing the clot.  She then recovered from the major artery clots because she’s Hilary fucking Clinton, removed her sunglasses, and scared the blood clot away with her death stare.” One of her nurses also had the following to say: “Another important reason why Hilary Clinton made it through the blood clot so quickly is because badasses don’t get killed by a blood clot.  If Hilary Clinton dies, it’s going to be from ripping a jumbo jet’s turbine off, causing both her and the plane to explode, but saving thousands of innocents on the ground that would’ve been destroyed by the hijacking.  Or maybe she’d just throw it into space.  But a blood clot?  Come on…”

            Many think her health also raises questions about her candidacy.  James Carville said the following: “We already know she’s had this blood clot, but she got through that pretty well.  So now we’re trying to figure out what other things she could survive over the course of an election season, maybe even a presidency.  Assassination is not really a problem, because anyone stupid enough to take on Hil’ would never make it past the Secret Service, let alone take her down.”  Many analysts also speculate that Clinton’s blood clot may also indicate how easy it would be for her to Ahmadinejad her little bitch.  Because sanctions would be the worst of their sorry problems if she became head of state.

God Announces Plans for ‘Bible: The Movie’

            To the simultaneous excitement and dismay of God’s many fans, God announced his plans to convert his most successful books, the Old and New Testament, into a series of movies.  “I remember growing up with these books.  I couldn’t get enough of them”, said Pope Benedict XVI, president of God’s Official Fan Club.  “I can’t wait to see these timeless books converted into a movie, but I’m kind of worried that they won’t get it right somehow.  I mean, we’ve seen so many movies sacrifice plot for special effects.  Avatar [both of them], the Avengers, 300, every movie with the word ‘Titan’ in the title, has done exactly this.  I mean, I love cool explosions as much as the next guy, and I know the fire and brimstone scenes are important, I’m just worried they’ll focus too much on them.”

            However, several people are dismayed by the news.  “Oh great, now there’s a movie about it” said Bill Maher.  “I guess we’ll just have to troll it like we do everything else we don’t like, like Blackhawk Down, 300 and Twilight.  Because if we don’t like something, then we need to ruin it for everyone else.”  Several atheists have also written negative reviews of the movie in advance to anticipate the movie they know they won’t like.  Michael Moore has already bought the rights to a parody of the Bible, insisting that he’s never done anything like this before.  “Haters gonna hate” said director Pat Robertson.  We’ve got a great cast, a great script, and a great following that will stick with us no matter how many chapters we need to chop this up into.  And if nothing else goes well, we got Morgan Freeman.  Even the atheists cant’ touch us in that regard!”

            And the cast is really excited to get going for the movie.  “I heard that there’s a fight scene between Jesus and the money changers at the temple.  Hopefully I can incorporate some moves I learned in Ghost Rider in that scene.  I don’t know how I’ll make National Treasure useful, though” said Nicholas Cage.  “You know, there are other actors who could probably play God just fine, but okay, here goes again” said Morgan Freeman.  And you don’t want to know what Madonna had to say about her part.  The question had something to do with a question about destroying yet another heroine held dear by thousands of people, but it was cut off by a swearing tirade and a tomahawk-style thrown microphone.  She will be playing the Blessed Virgin Mary.

 

            Projected Cast:

 

                        God- Morgan Freeman

                        Jesus- Nicholas Cage

                        The Virgin Mary- Madonna

                        Moses- Adam West

                        King Saul- Liam Neeson

                        King David- Christopher Nolan

                        Samson- “The Rock”

                        Judas Iscariot- Heath Ledger (resurrected by God to play the part)

                        The Devil- Robert Patterson                       

            Movie Ratings so far:

                        Chicago Tribune- 2 stars

                        New York Times- 2 ½ stars

                        L. A. Times- 2 stars

                        Boston Globe- 1 ½ stars

                        Atlanta Journal- 5 stars

                        Tennessee Tribune- 5 stars
                        Birmingham Weekly- 5 stars
                        Mississippi Press- 5 stars

           

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New “Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness” Ice Cream Flavor

            Many young men and women find breakups difficult to cope with.  The following days are often filled with tears, lack of personal hygiene and yelling at romantic comedies like the actors could hear you.  And what goes better with all of that than a one pint tub of ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s?  “We here at Ben & Jerry’s love to make people happy with our delicious and varied types of ice cream.  And what better group to make happy than a demographic that is already abysmally distraught?”  said Ben.  “We’ve already been helping the newly anointed lonely for a long time.  Jerry and I had long thought about releasing a flavor to give tribute to our best customers, but were worried they’d see an unintended double meaning.  But then we realized that post-breakup college kids don’t see meaning in anything.  So that’s why we’re unleashing a new flavor: ‘Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness’!”

            Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness is made of “Dark Chocolate ice cream, nihilist nougats, abandoning almonds and let-yourself-go licorice”.  “This ice cream is great!” said one lonely soul.  “Almost as great as… Jennifer… oh how did I manage to mess this all up?  Why me? Why?...”  On the back it also lists all sorts of great activities to engage in while eating this flavor, and any other delicious flavor of Ben & Jerry’s:

·                     Staring through your tears and into the uncaring sky.

·                     Listening to the playlists “She” used to make for you.

·                     Watching the Notebook, hating them every moment of their happiness.

·                     Curling up in a ball.

·                     Lashing out at friends and family while they support you.

·                     Cry yourself to sleep.

“No you’re not…” says Canada after Obama Wins Election

            On November 6^th, 2012, President Barack Obama secured the presidency for the second time.  After hearing the news, red states and their Republican residents outraged over the results.  “I can’t believe America chose a socialist Kenyan!  I can’t live in a dictatorship, so I’m moving to Canada!” said one anonymous Tea Partier.  “Why would such a free country choose such a tyrant?  I’m moving to Canada before the U.S.A. becomes the U.S.S.R.!”  This tendency to claim to be ready to abandon their country and their democracy to show how much they love their country and their democracy seems baffling to many.  Many foreigners, especially Canadians, don’t understand about how threatening to leave the country seems so patriotic.

            So in response to the statements of the aforementioned Tea Partiers, Canada released a statement that spoke for all Canadians: “Oh, Bullshit” said the statement.  “You’ve been saying this every year for the past couple decades.  And there’s never this mass exodus to Canada that everyone keeps saying they will join.  And it never happens.”  In a poll conducted in Canada about the U.S. election, one question asked was ‘Do you think the Americans will actually move here this time’.  1% said yes, 2% said no, 49% said ‘Oh jeez, not this crap again’ and 48% rolled their eyes and walked away. 

            The Canadian Statement ended with the following words: “The closest thing you’ve had to a mass exodus into Canada is the Underground Railroad, and that was because of slavery.  Yeah.  The slaves left because they were tired of being beaten by overseers and because they wanted to live free.  What are you going to leave about, Limbaugh?  Because you don’t want to pay more taxes?  Because the gays can marry in some states?  Come on… just stop talking.  Just stop.  Please.  We all know better.”

            “And by the way, don’t say you’re going to leave because of Obamacare.  Because when you get here, well, let’s just say you’ll be a bit disappointed.”

Polls Radically Shift as Nation Realizes the Winner of the Election Becomes President

            In the midst of what has perhaps been the longest election season in American history, we voters can be so distracted by the little unimportant things that we forget what to actually vote about.  Sometimes, it’s a random gaffe about cheesy grits and Davy Crocket.  Other times, it’s getting angry at a candidate who just might have forgotten his anniversary because of a debate, then looks visibly guilty on national television.  But whatever the distractions, the American people had completely forgotten that the point of the election was to determine who the next president would be.  After a collective mental image of Mitt Romney sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office, half of (maybe a little less.  Like forty-seven percent or something) America felt a cold chill run up its spine and then decided to not vote for Mitt Romney

            “Oh, yeah.  Completely forgot why those guys were out there” said an independent Ohio voter.  “There were just so many ads, debates and speeches bombarding me, I just sort of forgot what it was all about.  Good thing I remembered too; I almost voted for Romney.”  Another Florida college student also said the following: “You see, my dorm is right across from a gas station, and the prices have just kept going up and up.  And that made me feel bad about… stuff… so I decided to support Mitt Romney.  But then, last night I remembered that if I vote for Romney, then my vote and all the votes I encouraged people to cast would make Romney more likely to become president.  And since I, like most non-Utahans, don’t want Romney to become president, I withdrew my support.”

            The poll results as of last week: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 48.

            The poll results as of last night: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 2, Jon Huntsman 3.

OX News: Chris Christie Selfishly Engages in Bipartisan Hurricane Recovery

After the arrival of Hurricane Sandy, many along the eastern seaboard began to wonder how it would affect them and their day-to-day lives.  Among those people worrying about the super storm is the Republican Party.  At first, it looked like a great thing for their election.  The Hurricane would hit, everyone would be in a bad mood and then the country would blame it all on Obama.   But then, all of the election-helping destruction turned into unhelpful destruction when Obama started not only doing a good job preparing for the storm, but had that good job praised by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  “When the President deserves praise, I will give him praise” said the Governor, completely ruining everything.  He then went on to talk about how big of a help Obama was in alleviating the damage to the state and speeding up the process of declaring it an emergency zone. 

“I have never seen such a blatant betrayal as this one” said OX News contributor Charley Bratwurstscrewdriver.  “It’s been bad enough hearing all these moderate Republicans like that Colin Powell endorse Obama, but all of a sudden a little rain and wind hits his state and one of our hardliner Republicans said that he’s doing a good job.  How selfish could you be?  Just imagine if you were Romney and all of a sudden one of your biggest supporters says ‘He doesn’t give a damn about politics right now’?  Why can’t he put this Hurricane into perspective?!?!”

Hurricane Sandy is also a poorly disguised attempt by the president to boost his election numbers.  By politically showing off under the guise of ‘doing his job’ in the last days of the election, Obama can win the election.  It might seem all nice and bipartisan on the outside, with Obama and Christie working together to ‘restore power’ and ‘rescue drowning people, but it’s really all a big scam.  A big, helpful scam.

Willy Wonka Endorses Mitt Romney

          Over the past few months, many celebrities, newspapers and… actually mostly just celebrities, have given the American people their take on who should be the next president.  However, the Romney campaign claim that they have just received an endorsement that they are confident will change the tone of the race.  “I am proud to receive the endorsement of a fellow businessman, a man that shows the values and ethics that define my economic and social policies” said Governor Romney.  The man that he was talking about was none other than a certain William Wonka.  Many claim that they are not shocked by the endorsement, claiming that Wonka and Romney have similar backgrounds.

 

             "When I heard the president say “you didn’t build that”,it really angered me. Me and my oompaloomas worked very hard to build this wonderful factory. Tee hee. It was built on the backs of hard working oompaloomas, and also on the literal backs of several naughty children who tried to swim in my chocolate moat and then sunk to the bottom, becoming one with the building’s foundation. This was part of the reason I installed the suction pipe. At any rate, I feel the president is like an adult telling a business what to do. As a grown man acting like a psychotic child, I feel the need to rebel against this adult figure telling me how to run my beloved chocolate factory, and asking me how I’m going to pay for the medical bills of those four naughty children who stole my chocolate. Tee hee" said Mr. Wonka.

            A former worker of Wonka’s, an anonymous elderly man named “Joe”, expressed surprise at Wonka’s endorsement.  “I would’ve thought that Mr. Wonka would be all for government regulation of business.  After that darned Slugworth stole all of Mr. Wonka’s great ideas, I would’ve figured he would enjoy the government intervening to ensure that everybody plays by the rules.  But then again, he inexplicably fired everyone in the plant on extremely short notice and then replaced us with foreign workers, so, maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised…”

            The Chocolate Tycoon has previously stayed out of political elections, taking an extremely neutral stance.  This also happened to be during the long period of time that Wonka let no one in and no one out of the Wonka factory, while Wonka traveled the world to find new secrets of chocolate.  But going away for years and then inexplicably returning with an exciting announcement isn’t really trailblazing for celebrities.

            While this endorsement is sure to affect the election, many are still waiting to hear Gene Wilder’s version of Wonka’s opinion on the matter, which is more likely to side with the president than the darker, more psychotic portrayal of Wonka that Johnny Depp played in the newer, less liked version of the beloved film.

“The South Will Rise and Fall Again” An Op-Ed by a Realistic Southerner

By A Realistic Southerner

 

            Welp, I don’ know about you, but one uh these days, when y’all Yankees least expect, the old Confederacy will gather it’s arms and rise up.  And then fall due to a lack of organizational coherence, bad logistic infrastructure and lack of raw materials.  ‘See, us people in the South know that we ain’t the United States of America; we’re a conquered land: occupied since 1865.  And after over a hundred years of oppression, the Southern People will rise up, form a new nation in Richmond and renew the Old Confederacy.  Then that too will collapse due to a border-line redistributionist state that causes milk and bread riots.  Don’t tell none of m’ neighbors, but when yeh think ‘bout it, the South was kinda socialist near the end of it.  Compulsory draft, considerations to emancipating the slaves, redistribution of basic resources.  Purty socialist if yeh ask me.

            And hell, yeh just gotta think how close we came tuh winnin’the first time around.  If we just won at Gettysburg or Antietam, the English and French would ‘uh sent us troops and arms teh help us beat them Yankees.  Of course, they didn’t have ironclads, and the Union did, so it’s unlikely that they would’ve been able to win the pitched naval battle that the European forces would need to win before getting those troops and arms to the South.  But still, we almost won it.  We just didn’t.

            So you can count on it.  Them Yankees may not know it, but we’re-a-gonna rise up.  The Mason-Dixon line will once again become the borderline between the backwards north and the righteous south.  The border won’t last long, probably due to the overwhelmingly advanced and well-executed offensive the Union will inevitable use to crush our frontline, if we even manage to form one.  Sure as death and taxes, the South will rise again.  And then fall due to an overtaxed, death-ridden populace weary from funding a doomed war machine.

Possible Election Game-Changers

            This campaign so far has been very uneventful.  Aside from Romney’s 47% gaffe and the Terrorist Attack in Benghazi, very little has happened outside the ordinary.  So we news organizations have desperately developed this list of game changers that could happen last minute in both campaigns that would break their respective candidates chances at the presidency.  Because we don’t have anything better to report on other than overly-obvious crap. 

            Things that could destroy the Obama campaign:

·         Libya becomes a thriving democracy and funds their new nation by driving up the price of oil.

·         Latest polls who Obama carrying 47 percent of the vote, validating Romney.

·         Oh who are we kidding, those polls don’t mean shit.

·         A very big dinosaur.

            Things that could destroy the Romney campaign:

·         Like so many Republicans before him, Romney suddenly develops the inexplicable urge to talk about rape non-stop.

·         America’s economy completely returns.  Free enterprise and opportunity reign supreme.  And everyone lives happily ever after.  That’d really fuck over Romney.

·         An even more conservative Romney robot comes from the future to destroy the currently moderate Romney.  Like in the Terminator.  That movie was cool.

·         Everyone decides that Jay-Z is right.

            Things that could destroy the Ron Paul campaign… some more…:

·         College campuses across the nation spontaneously combust.

OX News: “I…Can’t stand… [America]…” says Barack Obama in Campaign Destroying Gaffe

             Last month at a political rally, Barack Obama voiced that which we here at OX News have been right about all along.  He said, over the course of an hour long speech “I… Can’t stand… [America]”.  How can we as a nation have a president that hates his own people!  It’s completely absurd, and we have it right here on tape that Obama can’t stand something.  And through paraphrasing, we understand that thing to be America.  We were later approached by one of Obama’s staff members, but all he said was, “That’s… exactly what… he meant… to say… You people at OX News… take everything… [perfectly in the correct] context.”

            Even the Obama campaign admits it themselves.  In other news, the Washington Post gave Romney their official endorsement, saying “Mitt Romney does [not] ship jobs over to China, Barack Obama is [not] a good president.” Along with, “The biggest thing that’s happened in the past four years, the death of Osama Bin Laden, was carried out by… Mitt Romney… himself.” And wrapping it all up with, “…we expect such leadership from such… a fit candidate for the job!

“We Are Four Years Closer to a Nuclear Iran” An Op-Ed by Mitt Romney

            Four years ago, Barack Obama was elected president.  It was 2008 then.  Now four years later, the year it is now 2012.  We’ve gone from having an Iran that has 2008 years past Jesus Christ’s life, and now, here we are, with Iran having four more years.  They’ve gone from having 2008 years to develop nuclear weapons, to having 2012 years to develop nuclear weapons.  It is nothing short of irresponsible, apologetic leadership to allow Iran to experience four extra years to get a weapon of mass destruction.

            I think it’s great that the president has enacted plenty of economic embargos.  But it’s not doing enough.  If elected president, I will enact a time embargo, so that time will stand still in Iran.  No one will be allowed to trade time with Iran; they will be forced into isolation.  Both politically and chronologically.  Rather than having their military behind by four years, we will have their country literally exist four years ago by the year 2016.

            We don’t see that sort of plan from President Obama, though.  Instead, we see an Iran that is four years closer to a nuclear weapon.  We also see a Chicago Cubs four years closer to the World Series.  We also see an Apple Company four years closer to developing the iPhone 24.  And finally, we see every bad thing in the future four years closer to happening.  And that is unacceptable.  Everything that happens during a president’s four year tenure is his responsibility.  Including the fact that things happened.