Scientists Determine Way to Create Gold Involving Native American Sacred Grounds

            The question that has long eluded alchemists in the Middle Ages has finally been answered: mankind can now easily and simply produce gold.  “The process is somewhat simple,” said Dr. White Mann, a leading scientist in the study.  “All it requires is to consolidate a large number of Native American families in a certain area, and gold will eventually be discovered under their town or land.”  Many scientists, chemical and political, have long suspected that this was true, given the track record of certain scientists.  Dr. Andrew Jackson notably tested this theory in his famous ‘1820 Gold Cultivation Experiment’. 

            While several though that this finally solved the alchemy problem, but then it was later debunked by a lack of conclusive evidence as well as another infamous ‘1830 Relocated Cultivators Experiment’ of Oklahoma.  Dr. White Mann also said, “While we are currently conducting a separate study as to why the 1830 experiment did not work, we believe that we did not give the Native Americans enough time to cultivate, inhabit and grow accustomed to the land they were living on.  This may also explain why we never found any gold between Georgia and Oklahoma.  We are even starting to believe that the more sacred the ground is to Native Americans, the more gold can grow in that place.  Or maybe the 1830 experiment failed because Oklahoma is just an all-around, shitty, shitty place that no amount of gold can improve.” 

            “We may also have evidence that after blood and gunpowder has been spread over the fields where the gold grows, the amount of gold in that area may increase somewhat.  In fact, after the ‘Indian Citizenry Experiment of 1920’, the amount of gold found in the U.S. has plummeted.  This is because, as citizens, Native Americans no longer saw fit to feed their gold crops with blood and gunpowder to nourish the growing gold.  If we could somehow find a way to sprinkle gunpowder and blood on the lands of current Native Reservations, I believe that gold just might start growing again in the United States.  Of course, we’d first need to get this experiment approved by the Supreme Court… actually, let’s not do that.  It’s not like they have the power to enforce their decisions or anything.”

            In other news, massive oil fields have been found under the homes and neighborhoods of several Arab-American communities.