Due to NRA lobbying, a new bill
passed congress today, requiring all theme park mascots to carry an assault
rifle. “Characters like Donald Duck and
Mickey Mouse always give our younger customers a sense of security; they know
who the character is and drifts off into a safe cartoonish world of
invulnerability” said one NRA spokesman. “Now wouldn’t you and your child feel even safer
if Donald Duck also had an AK-47 with an extended magazine and attached
Masterkey shotgun?” The answer from parents
was resounding.
NRA is aware that in the most
innocent of childhood theme parks, some things are still sacred however. While most mascots will be required to carry
an assault rifle, the princess impersonators will not be held to such a
requirement. “Most little girls look up
to these princess figures as role models so they may also become serene,
beautiful yet smart and determined young women.
It would hardly be fitting to give something as brutish as an assault
rifle to a princess. So they will
instead be required to conceal silenced machine-pistols in their dresses or
elaborate hairstyles, giving them the sense of finesse befitting a princess.”
Not all conservative gun owners are
in favor of the bill. One dissenter,
Billy Club, said the following. “I think
the kids themselves should be trained to use firearms before entering Disney
World and similar theme parks. Like they
say, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a 12-year-old kid
with an AK-47. And nothing would
motivate them to learn how to use a gun quicker! You want to go to the happiest place on
earth? Then you better head to the
shooting ranges! Or as it would formerly
be known as, Animal Kingdom, where vacationers can go to learn how to use guns
on more challenging targets.” While Disney
Corp. apparently rejects this idea, many employees have noticed the jeeps on
the safari ride have been a bit heavier lately.
However, one thing that all agree on
the subject is that our children need to be protected. It sure would be nice if there was some
trained force of non-military gun users that could protect people from
guns. In a perfect world, a trained,
professional group of good guys could protect us from the bad guys with
guns. But sadly, such a force for public
good does not exist. So we must instead
make do with giving every one of every age and occupation guns to make us feel
safer. That or pay taxes for a better
police force, but we have to have some priorities.
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