President Obama Legalizes Marijuana; Jumps 15 Points in the Polls

            Last week, President Obama responded to what the Democratic base has been saying for years and legalized the use and sale of marijuana.  Apparently, the move worked, and Obama now leads Romney by another fifteen points according to Gallup and Rasmussen polls.  On the written portion of the survey, many comments greatly and fervently supported the President.  We interviewed one of the poll participants, a certain Sunshyne Johnson.  “Obama’s, like the best president eeever maaaan…  Like, he’s so freakin’ good at his job.  Like I heard pizza will be more expensive now… but it’s cool, man.  It’s just cool.  I mean it’s worth it considering they’re now allowed to add some ingredients we couldn’t add before.  So, like, thanks to Obama… everything’s, like… god I’m hungry…. Wait? What?  Oh yeah… everything’s, like cool.  You know.  ‘Cuz Obama ‘n everything.

            While the move was widely criticized by Republicans and a few Independents, resistance in the House of Representatives soon plummeted.  One of the main funders of the until-now obstructionist House of Representatives, Grover Norquist, said the following on the matter: “You know… I used to, like have a grudge against Obama an’ all… but then I just… like… saw an ant the other day in my house and I was like, you know, I may not agree with you Mr. Ant.  I may not think you should, like take away all my crumbs and stuff…  but you know what?  It’s cool man.  I don’t even need those crumbs.  You need them more than I do.  So you can just have those crumbs… wait what was I talking about again?  Oh right Obama.  Ummm… like I may not agree with raisin taxes an’ all… raisins… damn I love raisins… but I don’t really need all the money I have.  They’re like the ant crumbs.  So the poor people can take the new revenue and use them for Health Care.  Just like those ants probably take the crumbs I don’t need to feed all of the poor ants.  That makes me feel happy… I like happy.” 

            In other news, both the Senate and House of Representatives have made “Free Group Hug Day” a national holiday in which people will gather in the nearest town square and, you know,  just hug it out and feel the love.

Comedians Despairingly Look Ahead To 2016 Election Season

            After being faced between the choice of a well-spoken incumbent and the country’s most generic governor, comedians nationwide are looking forward to the next election season.  “We’ve just got nothing to work with here” said one statement from the American Satirical Society “I mean, we can’t expect too much from the Democrats; most of us are liberal and they are a little less gaffe prone.  But then, out of all the hilariously stupid candidates we had back in March, from Rick Santorum to Newt Gingerich, people just had to vote for Mitt Romney.  The guy says and does nothing.  How can we make fun of that which does pretty much nothing?”

            So the Board of Directors at A.S.S. had no choice but to suspend all efforts at making fun of either candidate and has instead focused all efforts on making new jokes in anticipation of 2016’s election season.  While they still intend to deliver all satirical jokes regarding Obama and Romney that they’ve already worked on, all production of 2012 jokes will cease.  A.S.S., after consulting with political analysts, will predict the probable course of next year’s election and then make jokes regarding these tentative events.

            “The Republican Candidates should be back and as hilarious as ever.  We can always count on Michele Bachman to run again, and this is just me personally, but I have this fantasy of Rick Santorum trying to excommunicate Michele Bachman’s husband for being too feminine.  Maybe he’d even throw holy water on him!  And maybe, just maybe, Herman Cain will do a little better next year.  Why, if he could make it to the general election, he could stimulate the comedic field with enough money to get the entire economy back on track!”

            “We know that a lot of Vice Presidents get nominated, and since the main reason Joe Biden was brought on board was to be the comic relief to Barack Obama, he could offer us a lot of great material next campaign season” said Mr. Smart, President of the A.S.S. board of directors.   “We’re currently working on some connotations between Joe Biden and Jar Jar Binks that would be quite hilarious.  Sure Joe Joe Binks is fun to have around, but would you really put him in the highest office of the land?  I mean, we all know what happened with Jar Jar in Revenge of the Sith.”  Mr. Smart took this moment to pay homage to Stephen Colbert and John Stewart, worrying that a Star Wars pun might be too close to copyright of either of those shows.

            “Speaking of Vice President Candidates, the only reason why we haven’t done this sooner is because we were vainly hoping for Romney to pick another crazy for his running mate.  I mean, things looked pretty dry last election season, but then came Sarah Palin and everything turned out great.”

            But alas, it was not so.  For as long as we have a reasonable incumbent president, and a Republican challenger who cloned himself and called that clone his running mate, the comedic field will continue to suffer.

Senator Todd Akin Dooms Chances With Gaffe

            Amidst this year’s pivotal presidential elections, there are also the subtly important congressional races.  The GOP was hoping to catch up to the Democrats in the Senate with several Senatorial races that will occur this November.  One of the hopefuls, incumbent Todd Akin of Missouri, was expected to wipe the floor of the election.  But a few weeks ago, Sen. Akin made a remark about ‘legitimate rape’, which has dashed any hopes of reelection for Rep. Akin.  Yet, despite criticism within his own party, he continues to run for office.  Mitt Romney, the GOP’s republican candidate for president, tried to convince Todd Akin to drop out of the race last Saturday: “You see Mr. Akin, and this is just what I understand from Dr. Paul, in the case of an illegitimate candidate, the voter has a way of shutting down any interest in that candidate.  But let’s just say that this does work or something, I think that the punishment should fall on you if you lose and not the entire Republican Party.”

            Realizing he just said something truly ironic and funny, Mitt Romney then went on to make an off-color joke questioning Barack Obama’s birthplace, pulling the Republican Party back to earth.  In relative terms.

University of Iowa Unable to Determine the Correlation between College Students and Underage Drinking

            A few days ago, the University of Iowa was named the #2 Party School in the country, and one of the guidelines for determining a university a ‘party school’ is the amount of alcohol consumption by the students of that university.  “We just can’t seem to figure out why, though” said sociology professor Hayden Dry.  “No matter how hard we try, we just can’t ever seem to find a way to get eighteen to twenty year old kids to stop drinking.”  Professor Dry went on to describe their efforts at determining the source of the problem, but even then, Professor Dry and his colleagues were unable to discern an answer.  “What would drive a young adult to drink alcohol in a small city nothing surrounding it?  Why would a young adult drink in a city with so many bars and houses?  No matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to figure it out.”

            After hitting one too many dead ends on the matter, the University decided to take action.  “Since we can’t discern the source of the problem, we will take a more direct approach; by making laws that vaguely deal with the problem.  We will create laws that are within the general topic of the problem, but in no way deal with why kids drink.  We will take away underage students only source of drinking: bars.  We will make them take mandatory courses about sexual assault and alcohol abuse, which will cause all the students to really think about the depth of their decisions.  We will give student organizations money to attract kids away from drinking, but not enough money to run anything effective enough.  All of these strategies are proven to work… right?” said professor Dry.

Anti-Gay Lemonade Stand Makes $10,000 on Its Opening Day

            Lemonade Stands, the main source of income for kids between the ages of 6 and 12, are as American as Jesus and Apple Pie.  But like all things American, Lemonade would eventually become politicized and make record profits.  Today, Lemonade did just that.

            An eight year old, job-creating entrepreneur, Jack Johnson, opened his lemonade stand in his hometown of Rabbit Hash, Mississippi.  He started his stand with a simple dream: fresh-squeezed lemonade, fast and friendly service, and God’s hand of Judgment bringing swift and deadly justice upon the gay community.  He then named his lemonade stand ‘Lem-On-A’.  “Us kids here at Lem-On-A know that customers will respond if we sell the best lemonade around and serve it with a smile.  Unless you’re gay” said proprietor Jack Johnson.  And the citizens of Rabbit Hash responded fervently.  Responding to Jack’s delicious 25 cent lemonade and message of Christ’s deliverance on God-fearing heterosexual married couples, Jack raked in thousands of dollars in the first three hours.  But it didn’t stop there.

            “Seeing the response I got after selling all that lemonade, I decided it was time to spread the word.  The word of God” said Jack Johnson.  “I called for a press conference at OX News.  And after all the reporters had gathered at our headquarters [Jack’s swingset in his backyard] I made sure that everyone knew about my lemonade stand.  I wanted everyone to know that delicious and affordable Lem-On-A lemonade was conveniently located on my driveway at 767 Reagan Dr.  I also made sure that everyone should know that God’s judgment would be upon us as long as we continued to dispute the meaning of marriage with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Only then could the world make it to the land of milk and honey… and lemonade for the low price of 25 cents.  Buy 2, get one free!”

Are Violent Video Games Like Angry Birds Making Our Children Violent?

            Many parents have long theorized that violent games like Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty make our children violent.  Whenever there is a school shooting or a petty crime committed by a teenager, many assume the inspiration for that violence was a video game.  Until now, experts disagreed with such ideas.

            “We recently did a study about the effects of video games on children, and we were shocked by the results” said psychologist Fred Sigmund.  “When small children who commonly play Angry Birds are left in a room together with several slingshots and small birds, they immediately started loading the birds into slingshots and started shooting them at not only each other, but wooden, glass and stone structures that we set up in that same room.  Those who were not familiar with the game committed no such acts.”  Many kids were also surveyed about the game.  Many, when asked if they had fantasized about harming their teacher or school bully with an exploding black bird, 85% of the respondents marked yes.  Many other phenomena included fantasies about launching blue jays through windows, eagles dropping exploding eggs on cities and an extremely fast woodpecker breaking through their neighbor’s fence.  Even more chilling, 37% admitted to playing with their dad’s slingshot.

            “It was bad enough when kids were thinking about stealing cars or shooting Russian commandos, but this type of fantasy is just dangerous” said one child psychologist.  “You see, most kids don’t know how to steal a car, and there obviously aren’t any Spetsnaz around to just randomly shoot at, but birds and slingshots are both fairly common.  It wouldn’t be too hard for a disgruntled kid to just pick up any old slingshot and bird and go on a shooting spree at the nearest petting zoo.  No pig is safe until this game is banned.”

Animated Disney Star Arrested for Possession of Marijuana

            It seems we have to report another Disney Channel star for something crazy, but here we go again.  However, it seems like the bad behavior of Disney Channel stars has spilled over into the animated field of the world famous entertainment.  After getting a tip off from their sister, Phineas and his stepbrother Ferb were found in an un-occupied apartment with 20 pounds of marijuana. 

            “It was so great to finally bust my brothers!” said Candace.  “But I suppose it was to be expected.  Ever since they started working for Disney… and I just knew that Lindsey girl would be a bad influence.”  While the girl she mentioned, Lindsey Lohan was not found at the apartment with Phineas and Ferb, many have suspected that she may be the owner of the weed the two smoked.  When asked about the issue, she responded, “That’s sooo not true!  Why does everyone associate me with underage drinking at pot smoking!  It’s so unfair!  Just because I smoke pot and drink excessively doesn’t mean everyone should associate me with smoking pot and drinking excessively!!!”  This was all her handlers permitted her to say on the matter.

            With summer vacation around the corner, this could also go very far to hurt Phineas and Ferb’s career.  As the basis of their show is finding ways to not waste summer vacation, any charges brought against them could keep them from appearing on the show named after them.  Disney is currently scrambling for a way to escape this predicament, looking for ways to settle the brother’s debt to society that don’t involve them spending their summer in the slammer.  It would also be very hard for Disney to produce any shows about what Phineas anticipates to do that day if it involves a prison shank, using Newports as currency or finding new and creative ways to scare the punkish little kids on ‘Scared Straight’.

            The actions of the two stepbrothers have brought up even more questions about children’s entertainment.  Why are our children always entertained by irresponsible people?  Why do they all seem to be working for the same company, Disney?  And why does Disney always project an image of innocent childhood when the people in their employ consistently do crazy and not innocent things?  These questions will never be answered, in part due to the pending lawsuits against us for using the word ‘Disney’ in this article without their express permission.