Jack Harbaugh: “This Super Bowl Will Decide Which Son I Love The Most”

            Last night, The San Francisco 49ers defeated the Atlanta Falcons, securing the NFC title.  The Head Coach of the 49ers, Jim Harbaugh, was about to be congratulated by his father, Jack Harbaugh, when other news showed up.  John Harbaugh, Head Coach of the Baltimore Ravens, led his team to a decisive victory over the heavily favored New England Patriots, securing the AFC title.  As the champions of their respective conferences, brothers Jim and John Harbaugh will face each other in the Super Bowl this February.

            “I have always tried to stay away from playing favorites” said Jack Harbaugh, father of the two coaches.  “But I can no longer sit on the fence.  When the play clock reads 00:00 in the 4^th quarter, the world will know which son I love the most.  My parental love shall be measured in the points on the score board.  And like parental love in the real world, there’s no such thing as a tie.”

            Naturally, this will cause the competition to heat up between the two brothers.  “Jim always got everything while we were growing up!”  said John Harbaugh, spiking his headphone set on the ground.  “And just when I was celebrating my moment of triumph over the Falcons, when I thought I would finally be the favorite child, Jim comes out of nowhere to steal my crown.  Well he can’t have it!  Just because he’s the older brother doesn’t mean he should get all the cool stuff first, and I am sick of hand-me-downs!”  Jim is said to have contested the claim of being the favorite child, as John was the younger brother, and got away with stuff all the time.  Snapping his clip board in half, John said “Sure, as the older brother, I got to do some cool stuff before Jim did, but if anything bad happened, it was always my head in the smasher!  He doesn’t deserve this any more than I do!”

            Their mother Jackie Harbaugh remarked that she will always love her boys equally over her son-in-law, Tom Crean, who is only the head coach for the University of Indiana’s basketball team.

NRA to Require Disney World Mascots to Carry Assault Rifles

            Due to NRA lobbying, a new bill passed congress today, requiring all theme park mascots to carry an assault rifle.  “Characters like Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse always give our younger customers a sense of security; they know who the character is and drifts off into a safe cartoonish world of invulnerability”  said one NRA spokesman.  “Now wouldn’t you and your child feel even safer if Donald Duck also had an AK-47 with an extended magazine and attached Masterkey shotgun?”  The answer from parents was resounding.

            NRA is aware that in the most innocent of childhood theme parks, some things are still sacred however.  While most mascots will be required to carry an assault rifle, the princess impersonators will not be held to such a requirement.  “Most little girls look up to these princess figures as role models so they may also become serene, beautiful yet smart and determined young women.  It would hardly be fitting to give something as brutish as an assault rifle to a princess.  So they will instead be required to conceal silenced machine-pistols in their dresses or elaborate hairstyles, giving them the sense of finesse befitting a princess.”

            Not all conservative gun owners are in favor of the bill.  One dissenter, Billy Club, said the following.  “I think the kids themselves should be trained to use firearms before entering Disney World and similar theme parks.  Like they say, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a 12-year-old kid with an AK-47.  And nothing would motivate them to learn how to use a gun quicker!  You want to go to the happiest place on earth?  Then you better head to the shooting ranges!  Or as it would formerly be known as, Animal Kingdom, where vacationers can go to learn how to use guns on more challenging targets.”  While Disney Corp. apparently rejects this idea, many employees have noticed the jeeps on the safari ride have been a bit heavier lately.

            However, one thing that all agree on the subject is that our children need to be protected.  It sure would be nice if there was some trained force of non-military gun users that could protect people from guns.  In a perfect world, a trained, professional group of good guys could protect us from the bad guys with guns.  But sadly, such a force for public good does not exist.  So we must instead make do with giving every one of every age and occupation guns to make us feel safer.  That or pay taxes for a better police force, but we have to have some priorities.

Source of Clinton’s Blood Clot May be Too Much Badassery; Raises Questions About How Awesome Her Candidacy Would Be

            After recently exiting the hospital a few days ago, many wondered what the source of the scare was.  Some thought it was stress; others thought it was just old age.  However, the doctors now believe they have isolated the cause of the blood clot.  One of the doctor said: “We believe that by scaring the living shit out of just about everything in every third world country, she was channeling overly high levels of Badassery and pure power.  The plasmaic byproducts of such Badassery stuck to the walls of her major arteries, thus causing the clot.  She then recovered from the major artery clots because she’s Hilary fucking Clinton, removed her sunglasses, and scared the blood clot away with her death stare.” One of her nurses also had the following to say: “Another important reason why Hilary Clinton made it through the blood clot so quickly is because badasses don’t get killed by a blood clot.  If Hilary Clinton dies, it’s going to be from ripping a jumbo jet’s turbine off, causing both her and the plane to explode, but saving thousands of innocents on the ground that would’ve been destroyed by the hijacking.  Or maybe she’d just throw it into space.  But a blood clot?  Come on…”

            Many think her health also raises questions about her candidacy.  James Carville said the following: “We already know she’s had this blood clot, but she got through that pretty well.  So now we’re trying to figure out what other things she could survive over the course of an election season, maybe even a presidency.  Assassination is not really a problem, because anyone stupid enough to take on Hil’ would never make it past the Secret Service, let alone take her down.”  Many analysts also speculate that Clinton’s blood clot may also indicate how easy it would be for her to Ahmadinejad her little bitch.  Because sanctions would be the worst of their sorry problems if she became head of state.

God Announces Plans for ‘Bible: The Movie’

            To the simultaneous excitement and dismay of God’s many fans, God announced his plans to convert his most successful books, the Old and New Testament, into a series of movies.  “I remember growing up with these books.  I couldn’t get enough of them”, said Pope Benedict XVI, president of God’s Official Fan Club.  “I can’t wait to see these timeless books converted into a movie, but I’m kind of worried that they won’t get it right somehow.  I mean, we’ve seen so many movies sacrifice plot for special effects.  Avatar [both of them], the Avengers, 300, every movie with the word ‘Titan’ in the title, has done exactly this.  I mean, I love cool explosions as much as the next guy, and I know the fire and brimstone scenes are important, I’m just worried they’ll focus too much on them.”

            However, several people are dismayed by the news.  “Oh great, now there’s a movie about it” said Bill Maher.  “I guess we’ll just have to troll it like we do everything else we don’t like, like Blackhawk Down, 300 and Twilight.  Because if we don’t like something, then we need to ruin it for everyone else.”  Several atheists have also written negative reviews of the movie in advance to anticipate the movie they know they won’t like.  Michael Moore has already bought the rights to a parody of the Bible, insisting that he’s never done anything like this before.  “Haters gonna hate” said director Pat Robertson.  We’ve got a great cast, a great script, and a great following that will stick with us no matter how many chapters we need to chop this up into.  And if nothing else goes well, we got Morgan Freeman.  Even the atheists cant’ touch us in that regard!”

            And the cast is really excited to get going for the movie.  “I heard that there’s a fight scene between Jesus and the money changers at the temple.  Hopefully I can incorporate some moves I learned in Ghost Rider in that scene.  I don’t know how I’ll make National Treasure useful, though” said Nicholas Cage.  “You know, there are other actors who could probably play God just fine, but okay, here goes again” said Morgan Freeman.  And you don’t want to know what Madonna had to say about her part.  The question had something to do with a question about destroying yet another heroine held dear by thousands of people, but it was cut off by a swearing tirade and a tomahawk-style thrown microphone.  She will be playing the Blessed Virgin Mary.

 

            Projected Cast:

 

                        God- Morgan Freeman

                        Jesus- Nicholas Cage

                        The Virgin Mary- Madonna

                        Moses- Adam West

                        King Saul- Liam Neeson

                        King David- Christopher Nolan

                        Samson- “The Rock”

                        Judas Iscariot- Heath Ledger (resurrected by God to play the part)

                        The Devil- Robert Patterson                       

            Movie Ratings so far:

                        Chicago Tribune- 2 stars

                        New York Times- 2 ½ stars

                        L. A. Times- 2 stars

                        Boston Globe- 1 ½ stars

                        Atlanta Journal- 5 stars

                        Tennessee Tribune- 5 stars
                        Birmingham Weekly- 5 stars
                        Mississippi Press- 5 stars

           

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New “Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness” Ice Cream Flavor

            Many young men and women find breakups difficult to cope with.  The following days are often filled with tears, lack of personal hygiene and yelling at romantic comedies like the actors could hear you.  And what goes better with all of that than a one pint tub of ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s?  “We here at Ben & Jerry’s love to make people happy with our delicious and varied types of ice cream.  And what better group to make happy than a demographic that is already abysmally distraught?”  said Ben.  “We’ve already been helping the newly anointed lonely for a long time.  Jerry and I had long thought about releasing a flavor to give tribute to our best customers, but were worried they’d see an unintended double meaning.  But then we realized that post-breakup college kids don’t see meaning in anything.  So that’s why we’re unleashing a new flavor: ‘Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness’!”

            Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness is made of “Dark Chocolate ice cream, nihilist nougats, abandoning almonds and let-yourself-go licorice”.  “This ice cream is great!” said one lonely soul.  “Almost as great as… Jennifer… oh how did I manage to mess this all up?  Why me? Why?...”  On the back it also lists all sorts of great activities to engage in while eating this flavor, and any other delicious flavor of Ben & Jerry’s:

·                     Staring through your tears and into the uncaring sky.

·                     Listening to the playlists “She” used to make for you.

·                     Watching the Notebook, hating them every moment of their happiness.

·                     Curling up in a ball.

·                     Lashing out at friends and family while they support you.

·                     Cry yourself to sleep.

“No you’re not…” says Canada after Obama Wins Election

            On November 6^th, 2012, President Barack Obama secured the presidency for the second time.  After hearing the news, red states and their Republican residents outraged over the results.  “I can’t believe America chose a socialist Kenyan!  I can’t live in a dictatorship, so I’m moving to Canada!” said one anonymous Tea Partier.  “Why would such a free country choose such a tyrant?  I’m moving to Canada before the U.S.A. becomes the U.S.S.R.!”  This tendency to claim to be ready to abandon their country and their democracy to show how much they love their country and their democracy seems baffling to many.  Many foreigners, especially Canadians, don’t understand about how threatening to leave the country seems so patriotic.

            So in response to the statements of the aforementioned Tea Partiers, Canada released a statement that spoke for all Canadians: “Oh, Bullshit” said the statement.  “You’ve been saying this every year for the past couple decades.  And there’s never this mass exodus to Canada that everyone keeps saying they will join.  And it never happens.”  In a poll conducted in Canada about the U.S. election, one question asked was ‘Do you think the Americans will actually move here this time’.  1% said yes, 2% said no, 49% said ‘Oh jeez, not this crap again’ and 48% rolled their eyes and walked away. 

            The Canadian Statement ended with the following words: “The closest thing you’ve had to a mass exodus into Canada is the Underground Railroad, and that was because of slavery.  Yeah.  The slaves left because they were tired of being beaten by overseers and because they wanted to live free.  What are you going to leave about, Limbaugh?  Because you don’t want to pay more taxes?  Because the gays can marry in some states?  Come on… just stop talking.  Just stop.  Please.  We all know better.”

            “And by the way, don’t say you’re going to leave because of Obamacare.  Because when you get here, well, let’s just say you’ll be a bit disappointed.”

Polls Radically Shift as Nation Realizes the Winner of the Election Becomes President

            In the midst of what has perhaps been the longest election season in American history, we voters can be so distracted by the little unimportant things that we forget what to actually vote about.  Sometimes, it’s a random gaffe about cheesy grits and Davy Crocket.  Other times, it’s getting angry at a candidate who just might have forgotten his anniversary because of a debate, then looks visibly guilty on national television.  But whatever the distractions, the American people had completely forgotten that the point of the election was to determine who the next president would be.  After a collective mental image of Mitt Romney sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office, half of (maybe a little less.  Like forty-seven percent or something) America felt a cold chill run up its spine and then decided to not vote for Mitt Romney

            “Oh, yeah.  Completely forgot why those guys were out there” said an independent Ohio voter.  “There were just so many ads, debates and speeches bombarding me, I just sort of forgot what it was all about.  Good thing I remembered too; I almost voted for Romney.”  Another Florida college student also said the following: “You see, my dorm is right across from a gas station, and the prices have just kept going up and up.  And that made me feel bad about… stuff… so I decided to support Mitt Romney.  But then, last night I remembered that if I vote for Romney, then my vote and all the votes I encouraged people to cast would make Romney more likely to become president.  And since I, like most non-Utahans, don’t want Romney to become president, I withdrew my support.”

            The poll results as of last week: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 48.

            The poll results as of last night: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 2, Jon Huntsman 3.