Willy Wonka Endorses Mitt Romney

          Over the past few months, many celebrities, newspapers and… actually mostly just celebrities, have given the American people their take on who should be the next president.  However, the Romney campaign claim that they have just received an endorsement that they are confident will change the tone of the race.  “I am proud to receive the endorsement of a fellow businessman, a man that shows the values and ethics that define my economic and social policies” said Governor Romney.  The man that he was talking about was none other than a certain William Wonka.  Many claim that they are not shocked by the endorsement, claiming that Wonka and Romney have similar backgrounds.

 

             "When I heard the president say “you didn’t build that”,it really angered me. Me and my oompaloomas worked very hard to build this wonderful factory. Tee hee. It was built on the backs of hard working oompaloomas, and also on the literal backs of several naughty children who tried to swim in my chocolate moat and then sunk to the bottom, becoming one with the building’s foundation. This was part of the reason I installed the suction pipe. At any rate, I feel the president is like an adult telling a business what to do. As a grown man acting like a psychotic child, I feel the need to rebel against this adult figure telling me how to run my beloved chocolate factory, and asking me how I’m going to pay for the medical bills of those four naughty children who stole my chocolate. Tee hee" said Mr. Wonka.

            A former worker of Wonka’s, an anonymous elderly man named “Joe”, expressed surprise at Wonka’s endorsement.  “I would’ve thought that Mr. Wonka would be all for government regulation of business.  After that darned Slugworth stole all of Mr. Wonka’s great ideas, I would’ve figured he would enjoy the government intervening to ensure that everybody plays by the rules.  But then again, he inexplicably fired everyone in the plant on extremely short notice and then replaced us with foreign workers, so, maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised…”

            The Chocolate Tycoon has previously stayed out of political elections, taking an extremely neutral stance.  This also happened to be during the long period of time that Wonka let no one in and no one out of the Wonka factory, while Wonka traveled the world to find new secrets of chocolate.  But going away for years and then inexplicably returning with an exciting announcement isn’t really trailblazing for celebrities.

            While this endorsement is sure to affect the election, many are still waiting to hear Gene Wilder’s version of Wonka’s opinion on the matter, which is more likely to side with the president than the darker, more psychotic portrayal of Wonka that Johnny Depp played in the newer, less liked version of the beloved film.

“The South Will Rise and Fall Again” An Op-Ed by a Realistic Southerner

By A Realistic Southerner

 

            Welp, I don’ know about you, but one uh these days, when y’all Yankees least expect, the old Confederacy will gather it’s arms and rise up.  And then fall due to a lack of organizational coherence, bad logistic infrastructure and lack of raw materials.  ‘See, us people in the South know that we ain’t the United States of America; we’re a conquered land: occupied since 1865.  And after over a hundred years of oppression, the Southern People will rise up, form a new nation in Richmond and renew the Old Confederacy.  Then that too will collapse due to a border-line redistributionist state that causes milk and bread riots.  Don’t tell none of m’ neighbors, but when yeh think ‘bout it, the South was kinda socialist near the end of it.  Compulsory draft, considerations to emancipating the slaves, redistribution of basic resources.  Purty socialist if yeh ask me.

            And hell, yeh just gotta think how close we came tuh winnin’the first time around.  If we just won at Gettysburg or Antietam, the English and French would ‘uh sent us troops and arms teh help us beat them Yankees.  Of course, they didn’t have ironclads, and the Union did, so it’s unlikely that they would’ve been able to win the pitched naval battle that the European forces would need to win before getting those troops and arms to the South.  But still, we almost won it.  We just didn’t.

            So you can count on it.  Them Yankees may not know it, but we’re-a-gonna rise up.  The Mason-Dixon line will once again become the borderline between the backwards north and the righteous south.  The border won’t last long, probably due to the overwhelmingly advanced and well-executed offensive the Union will inevitable use to crush our frontline, if we even manage to form one.  Sure as death and taxes, the South will rise again.  And then fall due to an overtaxed, death-ridden populace weary from funding a doomed war machine.

Possible Election Game-Changers

            This campaign so far has been very uneventful.  Aside from Romney’s 47% gaffe and the Terrorist Attack in Benghazi, very little has happened outside the ordinary.  So we news organizations have desperately developed this list of game changers that could happen last minute in both campaigns that would break their respective candidates chances at the presidency.  Because we don’t have anything better to report on other than overly-obvious crap. 

            Things that could destroy the Obama campaign:

·         Libya becomes a thriving democracy and funds their new nation by driving up the price of oil.

·         Latest polls who Obama carrying 47 percent of the vote, validating Romney.

·         Oh who are we kidding, those polls don’t mean shit.

·         A very big dinosaur.

            Things that could destroy the Romney campaign:

·         Like so many Republicans before him, Romney suddenly develops the inexplicable urge to talk about rape non-stop.

·         America’s economy completely returns.  Free enterprise and opportunity reign supreme.  And everyone lives happily ever after.  That’d really fuck over Romney.

·         An even more conservative Romney robot comes from the future to destroy the currently moderate Romney.  Like in the Terminator.  That movie was cool.

·         Everyone decides that Jay-Z is right.

            Things that could destroy the Ron Paul campaign… some more…:

·         College campuses across the nation spontaneously combust.

OX News: “I…Can’t stand… [America]…” says Barack Obama in Campaign Destroying Gaffe

             Last month at a political rally, Barack Obama voiced that which we here at OX News have been right about all along.  He said, over the course of an hour long speech “I… Can’t stand… [America]”.  How can we as a nation have a president that hates his own people!  It’s completely absurd, and we have it right here on tape that Obama can’t stand something.  And through paraphrasing, we understand that thing to be America.  We were later approached by one of Obama’s staff members, but all he said was, “That’s… exactly what… he meant… to say… You people at OX News… take everything… [perfectly in the correct] context.”

            Even the Obama campaign admits it themselves.  In other news, the Washington Post gave Romney their official endorsement, saying “Mitt Romney does [not] ship jobs over to China, Barack Obama is [not] a good president.” Along with, “The biggest thing that’s happened in the past four years, the death of Osama Bin Laden, was carried out by… Mitt Romney… himself.” And wrapping it all up with, “…we expect such leadership from such… a fit candidate for the job!

“We Are Four Years Closer to a Nuclear Iran” An Op-Ed by Mitt Romney

            Four years ago, Barack Obama was elected president.  It was 2008 then.  Now four years later, the year it is now 2012.  We’ve gone from having an Iran that has 2008 years past Jesus Christ’s life, and now, here we are, with Iran having four more years.  They’ve gone from having 2008 years to develop nuclear weapons, to having 2012 years to develop nuclear weapons.  It is nothing short of irresponsible, apologetic leadership to allow Iran to experience four extra years to get a weapon of mass destruction.

            I think it’s great that the president has enacted plenty of economic embargos.  But it’s not doing enough.  If elected president, I will enact a time embargo, so that time will stand still in Iran.  No one will be allowed to trade time with Iran; they will be forced into isolation.  Both politically and chronologically.  Rather than having their military behind by four years, we will have their country literally exist four years ago by the year 2016.

            We don’t see that sort of plan from President Obama, though.  Instead, we see an Iran that is four years closer to a nuclear weapon.  We also see a Chicago Cubs four years closer to the World Series.  We also see an Apple Company four years closer to developing the iPhone 24.  And finally, we see every bad thing in the future four years closer to happening.  And that is unacceptable.  Everything that happens during a president’s four year tenure is his responsibility.  Including the fact that things happened.

The Monthly’s Guide to Voting: Reasons to Vote for Each Candidate!

 

Barack Obama: The Incumbent Democrat that could’ve been way worse.

·         You don’t want to hear Romney’s unsettling laugh for another four years.

·         You have frequent nightmares of being disemboweled/stabbed by Paul Ryan’s monstrous, razor sharp widow’s peak.

·         You want to see the Call of Duty franchise come out with a bonus mission where Obama personally kills Bin Laden.

·         There wasn’t a depression, World War III, nuclear Iran, and the Yankees didn’t win the World Series.  And we all hate the Yankees.

·         Biden is just too damn funny to get rid of.

·         Racism.  I’m not going to elaborate on that concept.  I’m just going to let you think about racism.  Have fun.

·         Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Obamacare isn’t shot down by President Romney (assume that’s why he hasn’t left yet, after saying he’d leave the country if Obamacare made it through the Supreme Court).  And we all want Rush Limbaugh away from our children.

·         Do it for the children.

·         You are a woman.

·         He already won in Afghanistan and is projected to win the war on Christmas.

·         If none of these apply to you, just know that there is a 47% chance that you’d vote for him anyway.  You’re just kind of destined to.

Mitt Romney: the Republican who isn’t Bachmann, Santorum, Gingerich or Perry.  Or Cain.

·         Obama is a Socialist, Muslim, Kenyan, Zerg-rushing, Noob-Tubing, America-hating, apologizer.

·         Mitt Romney is not Barack Obama.

·         You live in the Deep South.

·         You have huge problems with abortion, yet you also think birth control is a sin that tears apart the moral fabric of society.  Like single mothers.

·         Racism.

·         Stephen Colbert told you to.

·         He worked hard.  And since you and Mitt Romney are the only hard working people in the country, you two need to stick together so all of the people in the inner city won’t take over the government.  Because people in the inner city are, like, really powerful.

·         You’re poor, female, on welfare or sick, but you believe in something greater.  Unlike that extremist Muslim in the White House.

·         Mitt Romney is very sincere, because most candidates wouldn’t have the guts to admit he doesn’t care about the 47% of Americans that are dependent on the government.

·         Without the wealthy ‘trickling’ their ‘wealth’ all over you… wow that actually sounds kind of dirty now that I think about it.

Ron Paul: the Other Republican they don’t want you to know about.

·         There’s this really hot girl in your Psychology 101 class that supports Ron Paul and you want to impress her with your political awareness.

 

“Obama Blasts Romney about Something Again” By Captain Obvious

            Last weekend at a political rally involving Democrats cheering Obama on about something liberal, the President blasted Romney on his record about something political.  “Mitt Romney has bad policies” said the President.  This is obviously a new stance the President is revealing, and it is in no way mundane.  In fact, this is probably a turning point for one or the other campaigns.  Everyone should give a shit about this new, stunning information.  The idea that one political candidate would criticize another, opposing political candidate is new to our political system and underscores the new, completely unprecedented phenomenon of political parties not working together, and instead having different agendas.

            One political analyst from a university said that “Some people like it when you act tough, and some people don’t.  Just like a lot of people like the President, and a lot of other people like Mitt Romney.  However, there are also a lot of people who DISlike the President, or who DISlike Mitt Romney.”

            However, Mitt Romney fired back, saying at a political rally full of Republicans at what some might possibly consider a swing state; “Barack Obama is a bad president.”  Some have said that this is going too far, but the Romney campaign think that this is just what Romney needs.  “If people don’t think Obama is a good president, then they won’t vote for him.  And if they don’t vote for the president, then increases the likelihood of them voting for Romney” said someone from the Romney campaign.

            However, there is also a large block of voters, called ‘undecided voters’, who have not decided who to vote for.  One undecided voter from a swing state, probably Ohio, said “Obama says Romney is bad, and that makes me want to vote for Obama.  However, Romney says Obama is bad, and that makes me want to vote for Romney.  This makes me really confused.  Also, don’t put this in the article, but I might just vote for Ron Paul because I don’t like either of them.”

            In an unrelated story, many other political analysts wonder how this article, being so pathetically generic and stupidly easy to understand, is not on Yahoo or Comcast News.

Different Versions of Romney to Receive Votes Separately

            Mitt Romney began his career as a liberal, pro-choice Republican in the state of Massachusetts.  In 2011 he campaigned a far more conservative image of himself, claiming he would outlaw abortion in all cases.  After the most recent Presidential debate, he has depicted a more moderate version of himself in response to bad poll results.  After realizing how confusing this was to voters, a motion has been proposed in the Senate to divide the several planes of existence that Romney lives on into different Romneys, and you are only allowed to vote for one.  There’s the pro-choice ‘liberal Romney’ who loves universal health care.  Secondly, there’s the pro-life ‘conservative Romney; that subtly supports the Birther movement.  And finally, there’s ‘post-debate Romney’ who is a moderate, yet hates moderators.  At the end of the election, whichever Romney beats the other Romneys will run again in 2016.

            Proponents claim this is a good way to determine who Romney really is and to keep him from flip-flopping.  One proponent said, “If the public mood shifts away from one Romney, all they’ll end up doing is shifting straight back into another one.  So if you want to cite reasons for not liking Romney, you can’t use his stances on positions.  If you say you’re moving away from his pro-life stance to get away from voting for Romney, that won’t help at all.  Because then all you’ve done is move towards another, pro-choice Romney.”

            Opponents of the bill claim “it is unfair to project an image of multiple Romneys when Obama has multiple images himself.  There’s the Muslim Obama, the Socialist Obama, the Kenyan Obama, the Harvard Elitist Obama, Communist Obama, Corporate Bank Sellout Obama, and many more.  So why should Romney be punished for proactively creating his own multiple clashing personalities when Obama just lazily sat back and let other people project multiple clashing personalities on Obama?”

Big Bad Bully Biden Was Mean to Poor, Poor, Widdle Wyan in Big Boy Debate

              Wast week, the Vice Pwesidental debate took place, where Womney’s running mate, widdle Paul Wyan, took on the Vice Pwesident, Big Mean Joe Biden.  All Wyan wanted to do was tell Amewica about his conservative plan to cut taxes across the boawd and help all the poor, poor, rich people paying too much taxes, like in widdle Wyan’s favowite stowybook, Atlas Shwugged.  But the Big Bad Biden wouldn’t wet him.  All he did was laugh at Wyan, huwting his feelings, and making him feel bad.  He even called him huwtfull names, like ‘malarkey’ and ‘Jack Kennedy’.  Wyan went home and cwied and cwied and cwied.  And cwied.

            “Ha ha ha!” said Big Bad Bully Biden.  “I’m going to take all of Little Ryan’s lunch money!  And then I’ll redistribute that lunch money to the lower class!”

            But then all the nice people on the news said Wyan actually won the debate.  Hooway!  One cowwespondend fwom OX news said, “if Biden won’t play like a big boy, then he doesn’t get to win.  He has to learn to be nice to everyone.  Because even though as Vice President has the 2^nd most important job in the country, is expected to deal with the nastiest people on both ends of the political spectrum, and, as head of the Senate, must watch brutal political bickering on a daily basis, he has to be nice to the guy trying to take his job.  It’s not like Ryan isn’t running for a job that is as demanding as Biden’s.  Biden has to remember not to roughhouse with the little kids.”  However, the liberal elitist media shot back: “Ryan is considered the intellectual basis of his party.  The reason why he is on board is to provide the scholarly element that many say is now gone from his party.  Why can’t Biden test his aptitude as aggressively as he likes?  And if Ryan is going to replace Joe Biden as Vice President, why can’t we expect Ryan to beat Biden at his own game?”

            Wyan was unable to wespond to these qwestions, because he was too busy taking a nap after having too much pizza and ice cweam at the Wepublican Pawty.