New AT&T 4G Phone Includes Built-in Douche Bag App

Earlier this year, AT&T released a new 4G phone on the market.  Many people enjoy the speed and ease of access the phone offers to customers.  “Basically, the purpose of this phone is to make the user better than all of their closest friends on every level” said AT&T officer Richard Head,  “from helping them to remember birthdays, make jokes on social media and post funny moments on YouTube, this phone makes the user ten times better than their friends who don’t have our phones.  To do all of this with even greater ease than before, we are introducing a new built-in app: the Douche Bag App!”

The Douche Bag App includes cutting edge technology to allow you to not only be more hip than all of your middle-aged friends, but rub in that superiority too.  “We wanted to add an emphasis on pointing out other people’s mistakes.  For example, suppose your friend texts you and Auto Correct makes them say something terribly perverted.  This is where the Douche Bag App comes in.  First it will ask you to what social media you want this mistake advertised on.  Next, it will offer you a menu of automated response to that perverted Auto Correct, from quips about your friend’s mother to the classic line ‘That’s what she said!!!”.  And since you won’t be typing in anything, you yourself will be invulnerable from Auto Correct mistakes!  You will look perfect, and your friend will be the butt of ridicule!”

The Douche Bag App has many other useful features too.  If someone gets the shit beaten out of them at school, the Douche Bag App will turn itself on, video tape the beating and then post it to all of your friends’ YouTube Accounts.  If the App hears the sound of your laughter while you are on the phone, it will forward whatever you are laughing at to all of your friends’ email accounts.  Even the ones they don’t tell you about! 

Needless to say, this has left other phone companies in the dust.  Since the introduction of tar and feathering, no technological implement has so effectively allowed people to project their douche- baggery forth to all mankind.  And companies like Apple and Verizon want in on the money.  Verizon is currently working on a phone that buzzes whenever someone does something stupid so the user will know when to yell ‘FAIL!!!’.  Apple is also developing the iPoop, an ingenious new phone that reads the users mind and then posts all of the users’ political opinions and cat-related thoughts on blogs.  However, with Apple and Verizon so far behind, and AT&T already so far ahead in the race for optimum stupidity, many people believe AT&T has already won the race for such a coveted and lucrative level.