Christian Scientists Use Chihuahuas as an Argument against Evolution

             Christian Scientists have been trying for decades to scientifically disprove evolution.  So far, their lack of empirical evidence and obviously biased arguments has kept them from disproving evolution.  Many of their cases so far have revealed their clear misunderstanding of what evolution is.  However, Christian scientists have finally found their first piece of real evidence.  “The other day, my neighbor brought home a new Chihuahua from the pet store”, said one researcher.  “I noticed that it lacked many of the traits it would’ve needed to survive in any environment.  For example, it had a habit of barking and goading beings that are much larger than them, especially potential predators.  How can there be survival of the fittest of these little shits have survived in the numbers they have?” 

            However, Christian Science centers didn’t stop there.  They made sure to do the research before claiming evolutionary theory is defunct.  “We set up several environments in which the Chihuahua would have to survive.  We put a small population in a controlled jungle environment.  At first all of the tigers ignored them, not recognizing them as prey; what little sustenance they would’ve received wouldn’t have been worth it.  However, for no reason at all, the Chihuahuas started barking at a tiger that was just standing around doing nothing.  Egging the tiger on, and on, barking relentlessly.  Just begging the bigger, stronger tiger to fight them.  The tiger got so annoyed, it took only a minute and a half for it to pound the entire population of barking little shits into a pulp.  However, the most important observation was that the tiger didn’t even eat the Chihuahuas after he was done tearing them to shreds.  Apparently, the Chihuahua doesn’t even need to have a predator to be in danger.  All it needs is something bigger and stronger to annoy to the point of violent outrage.” 

            The Center for Christian Science also conducted similar biomes.  Examples were the Chihuahua’s native desert as well as, grassland environments, forest environments, polar environments, and even a tundra environment.  According to their respective environments, the Chihuahuas were swallowed whole by rattle snakes, trampled by enraged buffaloes, tossed over a cliff by angered grizzly bears, impaled by irate walruses (walri?) and judo flipped by emotionless Vladimir Putins.

            “We’ve checked every environment.  Every possible biome.  And in all cases, the stupid little assholes found the most threatening thing in each habitat and egged it on until it was eradicated from existence.  If survival of the fittest and natural selection exist, then how could the Chihuahua?  Clearly, these dogs are not fit to survive, nor would nature select them to survive.  The only explanation is that there is a God out there.  And that God is punishing us by keeping these pieces of shit alive.  To annoy us until we repent of our sins.”

Using AXE Deodorant Now Punishable by Death in Iran

            After the release of many new fragrances and sexually charged advertisements, Iran has decided to make use of the deodorant product ‘AXE’ punishable by death in Iran.  “Clearly, this is just the latest of many attempts by the Great Satan (the United States of America) to corrupt the minds of our citizenry and seduce our men into violence.  Death to America!” said Iranian head of state Ayatollah.  He also went on to talk about the dangers of not only exposing a woman’s face, but making her smell good.  “Naturally we will have to make this punishable by death to everyone, but it’s clearly the most dangerous to let women use this product of satanic sorcery.  Men will be given lethal injection.  Women will be burned at the stake.”  In most Islamic extremist countries, like Iran, they believe that exposing any iota of physical beauty will give Satan the incentive he needs to tempt the minds of men into adultery or abuse.  So to protect women, Ayatollah has to burn women at the stake for using AXE.

            While many feminists in the U.S. are outraged by the new law and unbalanced punishments, Middle Eastern feminists accuse western feminists that our own culture is just as bad.  “Using fragrance products and makeup is one way western standards of beauty make women in the west just as insecure and uncomfortable as the Middle Eastern alternatives of making them wear bulky, stark black curtains in 120 degree weather that cover their entire body” said one of the feminists supporting Ayatollah.  “AXE is just a postmodern veil.  Only you won’t pass out from heat stroke from it.  And you have the option to wear it or not.  But still, AXE.  Great Satan.  Bad.”  When our reporter asked how American society’s flaws justify Iran’s viewpoints on women, the reporter was gagged, dragged to the town square and AXEd to death. 

New Law Allows Police to Lie About What the Law Is

                In college campuses around the U.S., many students feel like their civil liberties are being trampled on.  They can be charged for odd, inexplicable things like ‘intent to drink’.  Students feel this charge makes little sense.  So to make students feel better about their rights, many college towns are repealing older laws and nullifying unfair charges.  The catch is, however, police officers will now be allowed to lie about what the law is.  That way, students will have all of their civil liberties back, they just won’t be able to tell which ones they get back.

            “We feel that giving too much freedom to college students is just asking for trouble” said one college president.  He asked to remain unidentified (which is legal.  Or is it?  Who are you to judge?)  “Giving kids privileges like ‘civil liberties’ and ‘constitutionally guaranteed rights’ just puts the university and its reputation at stake.  We can’t have kids running around doing crazy things and then using their god-given rights to justify them.  What if someone uses their first amendment rights to disagree with me?”

            There were counter arguments to these new laws, but most students trying to argue against them were too afraid to.  “I was going to say that we all have the right to know what the law is, but then a police officer said that if I cited the constitution, he could confiscate my pancreas as evidence for disorderly conduct” said one protesting student.  He asked to remain unidentified.  If you have any information on which student this is, please contact the authorities.  If the police department receives no information on the matter, the police can legally break into your house in the dead of night and take all your puppies.  You know, as evidence.

Letter from the Editor: June 2012

            I’d like to start off by insisting that I’ve really been doing this ‘Letter from the Editor’ crap all along.

            Today I decided to check the statistics of the Monthly.  For those of you who know the mechanics of Blogger, you may know what I’m talking about.  There are a few mechanics that allow me to look at who my audience is, and so far, I’ve gotten eight Russians, two Australians, two Germans and one Vietnamese person viewing the Monthly Periodical.  To all of my foreign viewers, спасибо/thank you, mate/danke/cam ơn bạn.  For those of you who don’t know the mechanics of Blogger, I know.  I know you haven’t been reading my articles.  I know you’ve all been slacking off.  But what I do know and what you don’t know is that I’m coming for you.  Don’t bother packing, or running away.  It’s too late for that now.  You will pay.

            Back to the issue at hand, though: foreign audiences.  While five countries counting the U.S. (six counting the possibility of a Texan viewer) is a great start, I’ve noticed a few places are holding out on me.  You know who I’m talking about: the Middle East.  So to reach out to the Arab market, I’d like to say that I have no problem with Islam or the Prophet Muhammad, the Palestinian State or AK-47s.  In fact, I think Islam is a great religion, Muhammad was a wise man, the Palestinian State should be recognized by the U.N. and the AK-47 is the ideal zombie apocalypse weapon.

            However, I can’t just reach out to the Middle East. I want some more obscure countries, too. So if anyone has any ideas on cracking the Kazakh market, please let me know. I would say something encouraging to my prospective Kazakh viewers, but Google Translate does not have translations to Kazakh. Приношу свои извинения.

New AT&T 4G Phone Includes Built-in Douche Bag App

Earlier this year, AT&T released a new 4G phone on the market.  Many people enjoy the speed and ease of access the phone offers to customers.  “Basically, the purpose of this phone is to make the user better than all of their closest friends on every level” said AT&T officer Richard Head,  “from helping them to remember birthdays, make jokes on social media and post funny moments on YouTube, this phone makes the user ten times better than their friends who don’t have our phones.  To do all of this with even greater ease than before, we are introducing a new built-in app: the Douche Bag App!”

The Douche Bag App includes cutting edge technology to allow you to not only be more hip than all of your middle-aged friends, but rub in that superiority too.  “We wanted to add an emphasis on pointing out other people’s mistakes.  For example, suppose your friend texts you and Auto Correct makes them say something terribly perverted.  This is where the Douche Bag App comes in.  First it will ask you to what social media you want this mistake advertised on.  Next, it will offer you a menu of automated response to that perverted Auto Correct, from quips about your friend’s mother to the classic line ‘That’s what she said!!!”.  And since you won’t be typing in anything, you yourself will be invulnerable from Auto Correct mistakes!  You will look perfect, and your friend will be the butt of ridicule!”

The Douche Bag App has many other useful features too.  If someone gets the shit beaten out of them at school, the Douche Bag App will turn itself on, video tape the beating and then post it to all of your friends’ YouTube Accounts.  If the App hears the sound of your laughter while you are on the phone, it will forward whatever you are laughing at to all of your friends’ email accounts.  Even the ones they don’t tell you about! 

Needless to say, this has left other phone companies in the dust.  Since the introduction of tar and feathering, no technological implement has so effectively allowed people to project their douche- baggery forth to all mankind.  And companies like Apple and Verizon want in on the money.  Verizon is currently working on a phone that buzzes whenever someone does something stupid so the user will know when to yell ‘FAIL!!!’.  Apple is also developing the iPoop, an ingenious new phone that reads the users mind and then posts all of the users’ political opinions and cat-related thoughts on blogs.  However, with Apple and Verizon so far behind, and AT&T already so far ahead in the race for optimum stupidity, many people believe AT&T has already won the race for such a coveted and lucrative level.