Video Game Industry Expresses Hopes for North Korean War

            After years and years of first person shooters based on World War Two, Afghanistan and the Vietnam War… once… Treyarch is proud to announce that if war breaks out between North Korea and the United States, they will make another Call of Duty about it afterwards.  “After making four different World War Two games, three Modern Warfare games and ignoring the shit out of the Cold War for years and years, we thought that a Vietnam game, the first ‘Black Ops’, would do the trick.  But since it didn’t have enough high-tech gadgets and every last weapon and killstreak wasn’t overpowered to the nth degree, nobody liked it” said one Treyarch representative “But then they released MW3.  While fans liked it a lot more, especially since it wasn’t Treyarch, a bunch of people still thought it was more of the same.  People don’t want the same game over and over again.  They want new weapons, new missions, new enemies, new wars.  And that is why we here at Treyarch are hoping and praying that North Korea is dumb enough to invade the south so we can watch our real-life army kick their asses and then make a game about it, but for some reason make a fictional storyline anyways.”

            It’s not just Treyarch that is anticipating the release of the Second Korean War; app makers are already churning out hundreds of bad tower defense games based on the coming war, along with several other smaller companies making first person shooters about the game in a “what if?” scenario if a North Korean nuclear bomb actually hit something important and programmers are releasing “Kim Jong-Un Edition” versions of Nazi Zombies.  In this mod of the original Nazi Zombies, players will be able to run-and-gun zombies of North Korean Military.  Because zombies have to be incorporated into everything.

            Everything.

OX News: Obama is the Only One Sexist Enough to Hire Women Based on Appearance

            Obama is under fire from everyone in the nation after his extremely sexist comments, calling a woman “attractive”, while at the same time, having that woman somehow, indirectly under his employ.   From this line of logic, it is fair to say that whenever Obama hires a woman, it is because he finds that woman attractive and pays no regard towards qualifications.  We here at OX News find this not only a completely unprecedented breach of etiquette, but an action that implies that only women who are attractive can get a high ranking job.  To cover this story, we have the following from Attractive Blonde Anchor:

            “In my long line of work here at OX News and nowhere else, I find it offensive that Obama is only hiring women he finds attractive.  My fellow female anchors and I have worked long and hard to get to where we are now.  Is it just because we are attractive that we have jobs?  Is it just because some pig gave me-I mean us a job that we are competent?  Is it just coincidence that every last female anchor at OX news for a few years was blonde and chesty?  NO!  I mean, yes, to that last one.  That is just all a coincidence.  Rupert Turd-ock definitely hired me due to my competence at journalism, and I was easily the most qualified woman in that binder Rupert had compiled.”

            In other news, OX News Anchor Carl Strudelsaw believes that Obama might have originally taken an interest in Michelle Obama because he thought she was attractive.

 

Michelle Obama Encourages Nation to Become Fat, Lazy; Obesity Plummets

            After a largely unsuccessful crusade on obesity, Michele Obama and Jill Biden have switched up their approach to solving America’s recent health problems.  Some have long suggested taxing sugary drinks, or banning certain sizes, as Bloomberg already has.  Others encourage that she should continue to make appearances on children’s TV shows to get to the kids.  So last week, the First Lady made an appearance on TV once again.  But not on Sesame Street, or the Disney Channel.  Instead, she made an appearance on Man v. Food to challenge the show’s host, Adam Richman to see who could eat the Mega-Choco-Cheese Triple Kidney Death Burger in the shortest amount of time.  “Who cares about health or exercise?” said the First Lady “I’m going to eat this burger because I am a free American, and that means I can eat whatever I want!” 

            The media’s response was tremendous, as this callous statement drew pause not only from her husband’s liberal base, but also amongst conservatives.  “This is merely another attempt by the jack-booted government nanny state to make the American people weak and easy to control” said OX News correspondent Chucky Strudelpliers.  “Michelle Obama merely wants the country to be fat and lazy so her husband, Comrade Obama, can take away our guns and liberties.”  In response, people across the nation, liberal and conservative, began lobbying for soda taxes, longer PE classes in elementary school and Bloomberg is no longer considered a lunatic by his constituents.  “Anything from the government is bad” said Spetzelpliers, “so if Michelle Obama says fitness and health are bad, then they must be good.  Whatever they say, no matter what they do, the government cannot be trusted.  Even if it's stuff we agree with.”

            In other news, Joe Biden recently called writing to one’s congressmen “something only hopeless nerds do.”

South Korea Invents “Heart of the Swarm” Technology to Counter North Korean Nuclear Threats

            After nuclear threats from Kim Jong-Un, the North Korean Head of State, South Korea has unveiled a military counter of its own.  “These nuclear threats do not come as a surprise to us.  After many years’ military stand-off with North Korea, it would’ve been foolish not to be upgrading and developing our surveillance systems and reconnaissance to its fullest” said one South Korean commander.  “That is why our Overseers are fully upgraded, ready to deploy changelings on a moment’s notice, and fully capable of detecting the North Korean Ghosts that would snipe our troops or call down a nuclear strike.  However, that is merely what we have been up to for the last few years.  With the development of our new “Heart of the Swarm” technology, our Zerg war machine should be more powerful than ever.”

            “Heart of the Swarm” is the latest addition to the Starcraft II trilogy, which added new units to each of the three races; the Protoss, an advanced alien race, the Terrans, the nomadic human race, and the Zerg, a completely biological race of mutated and evolved aliens.  As the North Koreans have been known to play as the Terrans almost every time, South Korea has come up with counters to the nuclear threats that Terran players naturally pose.  The South Korean commander, ‘zergrusher23’, had the following to say on stopping North Korean nuclear launches: “As South Korea has been a traditionally Zerg player, and as such, we have the following strategies in place to stop a nuclear launch.  As this conflict has already gone on for many decades, it’s a bit too late for an early Zergling rush; in fact they’ve already built all of the Ghost Academies they need to house the nuclear bombs.  However, their main strategy is to send in a Mass Marine force to shield the Ghost while he calls down the nuclear strike.  We believe that, with enough Banelings and a few overseers to sight the Ghost for us, we could take out the Ghost before he successfully guides the nuke to its target.  It would then be a few minutes before the next nuke could be produced by the North Koreans, giving us the window we need to overwhelm their base with a reserve horde of Zerglings and Hydralisks as backup.

            When asked about the nuclear standoff that occurs in the real world, zergrusher23 didn’t know what the press was referring to, and that whatever it was, this threat mustn’t be important enough to stop so many Koreans from watching and playing Starcraft.

 

Mysterious Wealthy Vigilante Stops Bank Robbery: Who Is “Trumpman”?

            Late one February New York Evening, a masked group of thugs robbed the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.  They had heavily outgunned the police and had a heavily armored truck to make their escape with.  But just when they were about to escape, four solid gold ‘Trumparangs^TM’ flew from seemingly out of nowhere, blowing out all the tires on the truck.  Then, a masked guardian of the night, Trumpman^TM, flew down from the top of Trump Towers in his Trumpglider^TM, beating up all of the bank robbers and prying open the back door with his bare hands.  But before the police could arrest him for vigilantism, he vanished.

            “We’ve never seen anyone or anything like this before” said one New York policeman.  “He came from what seemed like out of nowhere, beat the crap out of people, and left, with nothing in his wake but solid gold Trumparangs^TM.  Who could this be?”  The Police commissioner has recently found a way to contact the mysterious Trumpman^TM.  This is done by shining a spotlight on Trump Tower, which causes the mysterious Trumpman^TM to exit his lair and come to speak to the commissioner at the source of the light.  “He’s recently mentioned getting an accomplice” said the commissioner.  “He’s looking for someone younger to take role of ‘Trump Wonder^TM’, as a sidekick.  In order become this sidekick, you must first win a twelve-week televised contest, defeating all of the other celebrities to win the coveted title of ‘Celebrity Appre- I mean Trump Wonder^TM”

            As a side note, no Two-Face parallel to Trumpman will be offered, as there is already too much screwed-up hairstyling in this parody.

           

Olympians Ban All Sports “The Americans Could Beat a European Country In”

            Earlier this week, wrestling was officially removed from the list of events that take place at the Summer Olympics every four years.  The U.S. Wrestling team has long been a powerhouse in each summer event; however, when asked for the rationale behind it, it was explained as ‘an unfair event’.  This was not the first time the Olympic committee has used this rhetoric.  Similar rhetoric was used after the Olympic softball was removed from the games.  Olympic softball had been around for a total of four Olympic games, with the U.S. having three gold medals and one silver medal in those four Olympic events.  Clarifying on the statements regarding wrestling and softball as ‘unfair’, the Olympic committee released the following statement:  “American and Russia have both dominated their respective sports for too long; America and Russia have jointly dominated wrestling and America dominated softball.  After establishing these far too long winning streaks, we must cut these sports out of our program.  It’s just not fair to all of the other small countries like China, Great Britain, France and Brazil to only have a few Olympic events to be good at.  While we’re at it here is a list of sports now allowed at the summer Olympics:”

·         Soccer

·         Table Tennis

·         Handball

·         Soccer

·         Not Basketball

·         Synchronized Swimming

In other news, Women’s Soccer may be banned, given the U.S.’s current Gold Medal streak of three.

Scientists Determine Way to Create Gold Involving Native American Sacred Grounds

            The question that has long eluded alchemists in the Middle Ages has finally been answered: mankind can now easily and simply produce gold.  “The process is somewhat simple,” said Dr. White Mann, a leading scientist in the study.  “All it requires is to consolidate a large number of Native American families in a certain area, and gold will eventually be discovered under their town or land.”  Many scientists, chemical and political, have long suspected that this was true, given the track record of certain scientists.  Dr. Andrew Jackson notably tested this theory in his famous ‘1820 Gold Cultivation Experiment’. 

            While several though that this finally solved the alchemy problem, but then it was later debunked by a lack of conclusive evidence as well as another infamous ‘1830 Relocated Cultivators Experiment’ of Oklahoma.  Dr. White Mann also said, “While we are currently conducting a separate study as to why the 1830 experiment did not work, we believe that we did not give the Native Americans enough time to cultivate, inhabit and grow accustomed to the land they were living on.  This may also explain why we never found any gold between Georgia and Oklahoma.  We are even starting to believe that the more sacred the ground is to Native Americans, the more gold can grow in that place.  Or maybe the 1830 experiment failed because Oklahoma is just an all-around, shitty, shitty place that no amount of gold can improve.” 

            “We may also have evidence that after blood and gunpowder has been spread over the fields where the gold grows, the amount of gold in that area may increase somewhat.  In fact, after the ‘Indian Citizenry Experiment of 1920’, the amount of gold found in the U.S. has plummeted.  This is because, as citizens, Native Americans no longer saw fit to feed their gold crops with blood and gunpowder to nourish the growing gold.  If we could somehow find a way to sprinkle gunpowder and blood on the lands of current Native Reservations, I believe that gold just might start growing again in the United States.  Of course, we’d first need to get this experiment approved by the Supreme Court… actually, let’s not do that.  It’s not like they have the power to enforce their decisions or anything.”

            In other news, massive oil fields have been found under the homes and neighborhoods of several Arab-American communities.