Rapture Comes in Form of Junk Email; No one Gets Raptured

            Last Wednesday, God began the rapture, to bring the apocalypse by taking the world’s innocent and righteous off the world before the chaos and destruction wrought by Satan begins.  In his eternal wisdom, He decided to begin the rapture in Iowa City by releasing a UI Email.  Anyone who simply opened up the email would immediately be raptured to Paradise, and enjoy eternal glory with the Father in a timeless utopia of peace.  Too bad no one ever reads University Emails.

            Jesús Christiansen, a devout Catholic and genuinely good person, said the following, “I would gladly give my life doing God’s work.  I worship and praise him every day.  And I know God works in mysterious ways.  I think that his decision to send the rapture in email form and then begin that email with “[UnivAdm]” is perhaps his most mysterious act yet.”  Jesús refused to deny his faith in the Lord, even at the point of a snickering demon’s pitchfork.  But he did admit that he didn’t quite understand why email form.  “I mean, the Lord is All-Powerful.  Surely he would be able to bring about the rapture in a more precise way, and in definitely a less mundane fashion.”

            God, feeling he had a few things to explain on the matter, said the following: “I thought everyone might at least open the email.  It’s not like I didn’t give any advance warning… although all the advance warnings were also in UI email form… so maybe I didn’t think this one out well enough.  I just figured that if the University of Iowa sends out all of its most important information via [UnivAdm] emails, it’d be a safe bet to use that trusted tag.  I mean, people get weird emails about going to Hell and whatnot, and I figured that if just sent a regular email about the rapture, everyone would immediately assume there was a virus on that email, or that the email would say they’d be damned to hell if they didn’t forward that email fifty of their friends.  Maybe I'll try something else with Iowa State.  They need all the help they can get...”

            God later added “By the way, hackers are sooo gonna get it on Judgment Day…”

Obama Kills Osama bin Laden Again

Let it be known that on this historic night, the 5^th of November, 2012, Osama bin Laden was shot and killed by Navy S.E.A.L.S, bringing us an end to a year of uncertainty if Osama bin Laden was truly dead.  “This morning, acting on my orders, S.E.A.L. Team 7 found Osama bin Laden hiding in a body bag in the bottom of the ocean.  Using high tech scuba gear underwater, machine guns and defibrillators, S.E.A.L. Team blew off the other half of the mastermind’s face after reviving his dead body” said President Obama “Just to be sure; I went with them and took a few shots at his rotting, moaning, zombie-like body myself”.

Democrats and Independents are generally responding well to the news though.  “It’s nice to know that our president can effectively bring our enemies to justice” said one independent editorial.  “In fact, he’s brought more than just justice.  He’s brought a sense of much needed nostalgia.  We saw a huge jump in the polls after Bin Laden died.  It was like V-E all over again.  Hitler was dead and we were number one.  When Bin Laden was killed, it brought back that feeling to everyone.  And let me tell you, we are addicted to that high.  We love to kill masterminds of destruction so much; we are willing to do it again and again and again…”

 While it is great to know that such an evil man is even deader than he was before, many on OX news predict that this President Obama is just going to showboat and take all of the credit.  “Now, I am glad that we got that extremist Islamist.  But now our extremist Islamist President is going to take all of the credit!  Again!” said Rush Limbaugh, “Why won’t he give all the credit to the heroes who carried out this operation?  And why does he pretend that Bush had no part in shooting a body bag at the bottom of the Indian Ocean?  He was there too!”

In other news, S.E.A.L. Team Seven is set to become the first group of individuals to earn the Medal of Honor twice in one lifetime.

‘The 47%’ Admit They Could Never Vote For Mitt Romney in 2012

            A few months back, Mitt Romney said that about 47% of Americans would never vote for him, due to their over dependence on the government.  He drew the ‘47%’ statistic was drawn from the same statistic that 47% of Americans who don’t pay income taxes.  After seeing the newly released video, it was pointed out that many of that 47% that don’t pay income taxes include children, active military and many of the elderly.  Still, this doesn’t quite make clear why these people won’t vote for Mitt Romney in 2012.  To represent this 47% that will not vote for Mitt Romney, an anonymous member of this 47% wrote the following editorial:

An Editorial on Willard Mitt Romney’s Assertions of the Masses

By Bryce Williamson

            While I understand that Mitt Romney made this statement without due elegance and with a clear intent of appeal towards the egos of a group of gentlemen of both great income and hubris, the statement was nonetheless disturbingly sincere.  Is this statement any less demeaning to people of our kind than the rest of this campaign?  Has Mitt Romney not already made abundantly clear that he holds those of low income and those of dependency on the state in an extremely low regard?  In my humble opinion, he has done just that.  In fact he, nay, he and his party have made this their cadence, their theme of economic theory.  They say that those who make the least deserve their state.  They say that only those with a certain degree of wealth, social status or political clout have truly worked hard.  Yet is this truly the case?  Is this not a very after-the-fact assessment, thus a corrupted one?  The very fact that the poor and the elderly, and all those who look to the government for assistance, are still alive and functioning parts of our economy and political system are a testament to our worth.  If we are idlers as Romney claimed, would we not all be starving, quite literally, to death?  It is but a simple political reality that Romney and the Grand Old Party deny.  They are loftily out of touch with the populace.  It is not we who are too weak; it is they who are too strong.  It is not we who are self-pitying; it is they who are too arrogant.  It is not we who are too dependent.  It is they who are too powerful. 

That and I’m eight years old.  Kids don’t pay taxes.  Or vote.

President Obama Legalizes Marijuana; Jumps 15 Points in the Polls

            Last week, President Obama responded to what the Democratic base has been saying for years and legalized the use and sale of marijuana.  Apparently, the move worked, and Obama now leads Romney by another fifteen points according to Gallup and Rasmussen polls.  On the written portion of the survey, many comments greatly and fervently supported the President.  We interviewed one of the poll participants, a certain Sunshyne Johnson.  “Obama’s, like the best president eeever maaaan…  Like, he’s so freakin’ good at his job.  Like I heard pizza will be more expensive now… but it’s cool, man.  It’s just cool.  I mean it’s worth it considering they’re now allowed to add some ingredients we couldn’t add before.  So, like, thanks to Obama… everything’s, like… god I’m hungry…. Wait? What?  Oh yeah… everything’s, like cool.  You know.  ‘Cuz Obama ‘n everything.

            While the move was widely criticized by Republicans and a few Independents, resistance in the House of Representatives soon plummeted.  One of the main funders of the until-now obstructionist House of Representatives, Grover Norquist, said the following on the matter: “You know… I used to, like have a grudge against Obama an’ all… but then I just… like… saw an ant the other day in my house and I was like, you know, I may not agree with you Mr. Ant.  I may not think you should, like take away all my crumbs and stuff…  but you know what?  It’s cool man.  I don’t even need those crumbs.  You need them more than I do.  So you can just have those crumbs… wait what was I talking about again?  Oh right Obama.  Ummm… like I may not agree with raisin taxes an’ all… raisins… damn I love raisins… but I don’t really need all the money I have.  They’re like the ant crumbs.  So the poor people can take the new revenue and use them for Health Care.  Just like those ants probably take the crumbs I don’t need to feed all of the poor ants.  That makes me feel happy… I like happy.” 

            In other news, both the Senate and House of Representatives have made “Free Group Hug Day” a national holiday in which people will gather in the nearest town square and, you know,  just hug it out and feel the love.

Comedians Despairingly Look Ahead To 2016 Election Season

            After being faced between the choice of a well-spoken incumbent and the country’s most generic governor, comedians nationwide are looking forward to the next election season.  “We’ve just got nothing to work with here” said one statement from the American Satirical Society “I mean, we can’t expect too much from the Democrats; most of us are liberal and they are a little less gaffe prone.  But then, out of all the hilariously stupid candidates we had back in March, from Rick Santorum to Newt Gingerich, people just had to vote for Mitt Romney.  The guy says and does nothing.  How can we make fun of that which does pretty much nothing?”

            So the Board of Directors at A.S.S. had no choice but to suspend all efforts at making fun of either candidate and has instead focused all efforts on making new jokes in anticipation of 2016’s election season.  While they still intend to deliver all satirical jokes regarding Obama and Romney that they’ve already worked on, all production of 2012 jokes will cease.  A.S.S., after consulting with political analysts, will predict the probable course of next year’s election and then make jokes regarding these tentative events.

            “The Republican Candidates should be back and as hilarious as ever.  We can always count on Michele Bachman to run again, and this is just me personally, but I have this fantasy of Rick Santorum trying to excommunicate Michele Bachman’s husband for being too feminine.  Maybe he’d even throw holy water on him!  And maybe, just maybe, Herman Cain will do a little better next year.  Why, if he could make it to the general election, he could stimulate the comedic field with enough money to get the entire economy back on track!”

            “We know that a lot of Vice Presidents get nominated, and since the main reason Joe Biden was brought on board was to be the comic relief to Barack Obama, he could offer us a lot of great material next campaign season” said Mr. Smart, President of the A.S.S. board of directors.   “We’re currently working on some connotations between Joe Biden and Jar Jar Binks that would be quite hilarious.  Sure Joe Joe Binks is fun to have around, but would you really put him in the highest office of the land?  I mean, we all know what happened with Jar Jar in Revenge of the Sith.”  Mr. Smart took this moment to pay homage to Stephen Colbert and John Stewart, worrying that a Star Wars pun might be too close to copyright of either of those shows.

            “Speaking of Vice President Candidates, the only reason why we haven’t done this sooner is because we were vainly hoping for Romney to pick another crazy for his running mate.  I mean, things looked pretty dry last election season, but then came Sarah Palin and everything turned out great.”

            But alas, it was not so.  For as long as we have a reasonable incumbent president, and a Republican challenger who cloned himself and called that clone his running mate, the comedic field will continue to suffer.