Schizophrenics Given Bluetooth Earpieces Until We Get a Real Cure

                Recently, psychiatrists found that Lithium, a commonly found and easily distributed element, could be used as an active ingredient in a potential cure for schizophrenia.  However, as an element, it can’t be patented, so pharmaceutical companies refuse to use the ingredient to cure schizophrenia and are instead looking for a new way to capitalize on other people’s mental disorders.

            “We do realize, however, that we are leaving several schizophrenics to battle with their confusing reality.  And while aren’t willing to cure them yet, we will help them blend into society more easily” said Dr. Lev Orkian.  “So we will lobby congress to allow health insurance to cover Bluetooth earpieces for schizophrenics.  If we can’t cure you yet, we’ll just make it look like we have.”  The way the new product works is all very simple.  Most schizophrenics are known for talking to themselves, wandering about muttering things only they can understand.  Coincidentally, the same phenomenon is assumed of people on the phone until others realize they are wearing a Bluetooth earpiece.  Therefore, the best way to approach this problem is to give schizophrenics Bluetooth earpieces.  That way, people just assume they are talking on the phone with a friend, maybe telling an inside joke to them, or speaking in a language they invented in their childhood.  Either way, the schizophrenics, and maybe even the pharmaceutical companies, will finally be able to find acceptance in society despite their inexplicably irrational behaviors.

            Pharmaceutical companies are also looking for a cure for catatonic schizophrenics.  While they cannot release the exact idea of how the cure would work, they have said it involves requiring catatonic schizophrenics to be dressed like mimes at all times.