Yesterday at 5:30 pm, America acquired a new patriot. That patriot is 8-year old bill Peterson. “You have to remember how lucky we are to live in America” said Mrs. Peterson, Billy’s mother. “There are other people in places like Hell who don’t have freedom of speech, abundant food or democracy. That’s why we’re so lucky to live in America.”...Billy then asked his mother why bad things still happen in America, like poverty. “America may not be perfect, but if you ever have doubts about how great America is, just remember that you could be some poor, starving little child who lives in Hell. Then, it feels much easier to be proud of your country, which just so happens to be the greatest on earth.”
But Billy still had questions. If there are other countries on earth, then couldn’t they be better than America? What if there was some other country that had even more freedom of speech, abundant food and democracy? But Mrs. Peterson knew the answer. “There isn’t any country on the face of the earth that is better than America. Just remember, when compared with Hell, there just can’t be anything better than our American democracy. America is just so much better than Hell, that there just couldn’t possibly be any room left for improvement.” said Mrs. Peterson. “Not that I’ve ever been to an undemocratic, famine-ridden, censored country. Like Hell, I mean.”
When asked about his newfound patriotism, Bill responded “When you compare our country to a place like Hell, I guess I can’t help but love America! When I grow up, I want to help spread our wonderful democracy to places like Hell so they can enjoy our wonderful way of life too, only not quite as good. Because nothing’s better than America! Especially not Hell!”
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