Are (Mason, 2009) Citations (Gregory, 2012) Really (Smith, 2006) Necessary (Obama, 2004)?

               Many students love to write (Alvin et al, 2008), but find the amount of citations necessary to finish a paper (Johnson, 1969) cumbersome (Gregory, 2012).  “I used to love writing” said one UI junior (Mason, 2012) last Wednesday (Mason, 2012).  “But it’s just so hard to find sources to prove the points that you most likely thought of on your own anyways.  The more papers I write, the more the line between a priori (Fett, 6 BBY) and a posteriori (Dennis, 1166) blurs (Alvin et al, 1980).”  (Obama, 2004). 

            UI Professors (Dooku, 26 BBY), however, remain adamant that citing other (Voldemort, 1986) people’s work is the only way to ensure that they actually researched (Khil, 1967).  “I truly wish we could let (Lincoln, 1863) students write essays purely composed of a priori (Khrushchev, 1977) thought, but what’s to stop students from going online and cheating (Squarepants, 2004).”  Some professors theorize (the Bastard, 1066) that students could just submit a reference page to make up show that they researched, but other professors (Hardraada, 1066) this wouldn’t do the trick.  “Another good thing about requiring students (Jagger, 1970) to have both a Works Cited a reference list is it forces them to actually use their resources.  We realize the inconveniences involved with (Bieber, 2011) citations, but this is the way the scholarly world works (Tebow, 2011), and we wouldn’t be doing our job if we didn’t prepare students for it (Fukudome, 2009).”

Works Cited                (NOTE: None of these resources actually exist.  This is all a joke)

Alvin, C., et al. (2011). Something punny that the kids would like in high pitched shit. (22 ed., Vol. 33, pp. 44-55). Old Jersey, NJ: House of Randomness Publishers. wikipedia.org

The Bastard, W. (1066). The norman army, funny, no one here's named norman. (1 ed., Vol. 0, p. 66). Hastings, IL: How Can a House Be Random? It's A House! It's Clearly There For A Purpose Publishers. wikipedia.org

Bieber, J. (2011). I'm the next micheal jackson, in that my gender is ambiguous. (69 ed., Vol. 69, pp. 69-6969). Fucking, Austria: She's a Brick (And Random) House Publishing. wikipedia.

Dennis, P. (1166). The anarchosyndaclist commune and your lovely pile of filth. (1 ed., Vol. 1, pp. 2-3). Flea-Upon-Wing-Upon-Fly-Upon-Frog-Upon-Bump-Upon-Log-Upon-Hole-In-The-Bottom-Of-The-Sea, NE: I Threw A Dart At A Map And It Landed On This House Publishers. wikipedia.org

Dooku, C. (26 BBY). The dark side and maintaining well kept facial hair. (a ed., Vol. b, p. cdefg). Korriban, TX: Actually, I Sort of Chose This House On Purpose Publishers. wikipedia.org

Fett, B. (6 BBY). Bounty hunters and the outsourced economy. (12 ed., Vol. 34, p. 56). Coruscant, MT: I Just Spun Around In A Circle And I Walked Around Blindfolded Until I Found A House Publishers. wikipedia.org

Fukudome, T. (2009). Is it just me, or is it just the cubs?. (! ed., Vol. ?, pp. !!!-!!?!). Chicago, IL: Mi Random Casa Es Su Random Casa Publishing. wikipedia.org

Gregory, G. (2012). I don't know, nor do i care. (88 ed., Vol. 69, pp. 1-900). Mordor, NJ: House That Was Random Until They Built All Of Those Condos Around It Publishers. wikipedia.org

Hardraada, H. (1066). Arrow in the eye: The last time vikings lost to the english. (10 ed., Vol. 66, p. 1066). Stamford, MI: Houses Can Be Random, They Just Normally Aren't Publishing. wikipedia.org

Jagger, M. (1970). Gimme shelter: The near collapse of the best bad ever. (5 ed., Vol. 4, pp. 3-21). Liverpool, MA: Gimme Random Shelter, Perhaps A House Publishing. wikipedia.org

Johnson, L. (1969). I really don't want to see the word vietnam in the budget. (13 ed., Vol. 13, pp. 13-1313). Washington D.F., Maryland: House That We Drew Out Of A Hat Publishers. wikipedia.org.

Khil, E. (1977). Trololololo-lo-loooooweeeeee!!!: metaphysical wonderings of the 20th century theological philosopher. (4 ed., Vol. 4, pp. 4-44). Moscow, Russia: Look at That House, What An Eyesore With All Of Its Random Christmas Lights Publishers. wikipedia.org

Khrushchev, N. (1977). Me and my shoe will bury you!. (1 ed., Vol. 2, pp. 3-4). Moscow, IA: But Seriously, Who Just Randomly Builds A House? That's A Serious Financial Endeavour! Publishing.  wikipedia.org

Lincoln, A. (1863). Gettysburg address. (1 ed., Vol. 1, pp. 1-1.5). Gettysburg, PA: Random House.. In the Middle of the Street Publishers. wikipedia.org

Mason, S. (2009). Something a presidential sounding. (1 ed., Vol. 123, pp. 123-456). Iowa City, IA: University of Iowa. wikipedia.org

Obama, B. (2004). Yes we can become senator of illinois. (1 ed., Vol. 1, pp. 1-9,999). Chicago, TX: House That Just Came Out Of Freakin' Nowhere Publishers. wikipedia.org

Smith, J. (2006). Thoughts of a man with a generic name. (999 ed., Vol. 999, pp. 1-2). Kalamazoo, MI: Completely Random House Publishers. wikipedia.org

Squarepants, S. (2004). Living with a disorder: My best friend patrick. (12 ed., Vol. 34, pp. 56-78). Bikini Bottom, OK: You Know What's Really Random? A House! Pubishing. wikipedia.org

Tebow, T. (2011). Give us this day our daily touchdown, and forgive us our tebowing, as we forgive those who tebow against us. (123 ed., Vol. 456, pp. 789-1234). Denver, CO: That House Would Be Even More Random If We Put furniture Out In Front Of It Publishing.  wikipedia.org

Voldemort, L. (1986). Lost by a nose: the accounts of the dictator that almost killed harry potter. (123 ed., Vol. 456, pp. 7-89). Hogwarts, WI: Nothing is Random, The Universe Drove You To Pick That House Publishers. wikipedia.org

Quotas Now Added to Racial Jokes

Feeling that the ratio of Black jokes to White jokes was too lopsided, Congress passed new legislation today to fix that problem. If one intends to tell more than one racist joke in any public area, regardless of their own race, must tell precisely 77.1% White jokes, 12.9% Black jokes, 4.2% Asian jokes, and Native and/or Pacific Islander 0.3%. The remaining 4% ...were vaguely defined as ‘Other’, where the jokes contain insults about more than one race. For example, if ten men walk into a bar, one of them must be Asian, three of them must be Black, and the remainder must be White (hopefully one of those Whites being part Maori).

Several dissenting congressmen believe that the government should not interfere in the process of wisecracking. “Let the free market decide which race should be insulted” said one congressman present for the voting. “Getting involved in this will just deprive our comedians of well deserved money earned from the degradation of minorities”.

On the other side of the isle, congressmen believed that this was a critical step forward towards broad civil rights. “If we can’t convince the most irreverent sector of our population [comedians] to stop discrimination, then how can we expect the rest of America to follow?”

OX News: Children’s Television and the Brainwashing of America

OX News: Children’s Television and the Brainwashing of America

We can all remember back to the good old days of our early childhood where the epicenter of our imaginations and horseplay was our television shows. Many parents turn to them to keep them entertained, watching shows that will keep them innocent and insulated from a world of political maneuvering. At least that’s what the liberals w...ant you to believe. After watching several of these ‘children’s shows’ OX News has come to realize that the lefties are trying to indoctrinated liberal and socialist ideals into our naïve and innocent children. Show by show, we will reveal these children’s shows to be the liberal-socialist brainwashing propaganda that is poisoning our weak, innocent childrens’ minds, in and fair and balanced way, of course.

Let’s start with the more recent ones, like Spongebob. We have a young, presumably uneducated sponge who works at the local fast food joint for Mr. Krabs. Despite the fact that most businessmen such as Mr. Krabs are often kind, generous people, Nickelodeon portrays him as a greedy old miser who cares only about money, even more than his own workers. Some say that it’s just a funny concept, but we see through the lies. This is an obvious attack to paint hard-working small business owners such as Mr. Krabs as part of the elitist 1% who do not earn what they have. Ignore the fact that this show started in 1999, and you see a show with clear roots in the Occupy Movements, subliminally teaching our children to hate their bosses and be Occupy hippies like Spongebob, who lives in a makeshift “pineapple shelter”.

Then, there’s Pokemon. The constant cadence of environmentalism and animal rights issues are overwhelming enough, but after putting the show/video game through the ‘no spin zone’, we noticed a chilling endorsement of evolution as a legitimate field of science. However, we did notice that they, unlike the liars in those science labs, did get the concept of evolution right. In our world, many genius conservatives point out that if humans evolve from monkeys, then monkeys would still be evolving into monkeys. In Pokemon, Raichus are around, but we still see the process through which a Pikachu becomes a Raichu. In other words, we see the monkey (perhaps an Aipom?) evolving into a human. We find it amusing that the elitist snobby scientists can’t get this point on evolution right, yet Pokemon seems to understand it well.

Another liberal poison Pokemon (Obamizard! Use Poison Sting!) tries to inject into the minds of our children are the supposed evils of capitalism. The crime organization ‘Team Rocket’ seems intent on exploiting pokemon for profit. However, this doesn’t seem to be a problem in the real world. If you work hard and turn a successful profit, anyone can succeed in America, even if it means brutalizing and occasionally arbitrarily slaughtering a pokemon here or there. Yet, Nintendo seems to paint this as a bad thing. Why? Are animals all of a sudden more important than a successful free market economy? No! Yet Nintendo seems determined to undermine our children’s natural dispositions towards capitalism and hard work.
Somewhat further back, we have the Teletubbies. Let’s just not go there.
And finally, Barney. One could easily see the commonly sung ‘I Love You, You Love Me’ as an innocent song meant to calm people, OX news sees right though the devious lies. Upon further inspection, this is obviously a nod towards the free love movements of the 1960s which the Democrats hold so dear to their hearts. Barney also promotes a sense of ‘sharing’ that is only a small step away from communal economics, which leads to communist oppression, which leads to Stalinism, which leads to the fall of America. Why else would one teach a child to share other than to turn them into socialist pigs? The only redeeming quality of the show is that it showed a dinosaur living at the same time as humans. But apart from that, Barney was just another liberal propagandist, defacing our sacred family values with his ‘I love yous’ and promoting a soviet uprising by encouraging ‘sharing’.

We here at OX News can only find one solution to this problem. If these children are going to be forcefully subjected to liberal lies, then the least we can do is show them both sides of the story with some good old conservative literature. We should air shows like Rambo, The Terminator and Blackhawk Down alongside all of these liberal cartoons every Saturday morning for our children to watch. Stories like these should help teach our children patriotism, hard work and how to share hot lead with commies and terrorists. And if the liberal ninnies try to complain about those shows being too violent for our children, then just tell them that the shows they already watch are too violently socialist for them to watch.

In Historic Ruling of Man v. Food, Man Won

After a case steeped in controversy, the Supreme Court ruled the case of Man v. Food in favor of the petitioner Man. Man had sued on the grounds that his 1st Amendment rights were being violated. Man was attempting to state his superiority over food by eating it. Food had introduced a recently passed Congressional bill that prohibited the arbitrary consumption of food. Man argued that the arbitrary consumption of food was allowed as symbolic speech. The lawyer for the petitioner, Attorney Richman, stated that if flag burning is a constitutionally protected right, then consuming food must be as well, as long as the gluttony in question was making a statement. The lawyer for the respondent, Attorney Quadruple Mole Burrito Death Platter, stated that free speech is not an unlimited right. Incitement of violence against food or other tempting platters is not constitutionally protected. The respondent held that Man’s gluttonous determination to finish everything that’s put in front of it did incite violence towards other foods, especially dessert items.

Justice Breyer wrote the majority opinion:

“Man brings forth the case that the prohibition of arbitrary consumption violates his right to free speech. He maintains that the said consumption is by no means arbitrary; it is a victorious expression that Man uses to affirm his dominance over dinner. If that means of expression was taken away from him, he would be unable to show this dominance with less meaning. While this sounds harsh, it has been established across our history that Man is superior to Food, as we are the ones who prepare it and then consume it. Food is also a non-sentient entity, and therefore its rights are suspect at best. Its questionable rights are disregarded only because of Congress’ right to regulate interstate commerce.

“Food, however, holds that the consumption of it is indeed arbitrary. Man has often eaten past satiety. He has taken several attempts to eat more than he should; some examples of this are the removal of one’s belt or the consumption of Alka-Seltzer to ease the pain of an overflowing stomach. Food holds that anyone who carries on dinner in such a nonsensical manner is not truly capable of symbolic speech. If this was the case, then the consumption of this food would indeed be arbitrary and therefore illegal. Congress does have the right to regulate interstate commerce, and the food industry is perhaps the most interstate of all of our industries.

“However, I find that Food’s assumption that Man is not capable of symbolic speech to be implausible. Man has, in several humiliating ways, demonstrated his capability to speak symbolically. Flag burning is one such case, one that we passed in favor of symbolic speech. As the two cases are so similar, I, under the interests of stare decisis, rule in favor of the petitioner.”

Parent Explains How Great It Is To Live In America

Yesterday at 5:30 pm, America acquired a new patriot. That patriot is 8-year old bill Peterson. “You have to remember how lucky we are to live in America” said Mrs. Peterson, Billy’s mother. “There are other people in places like Hell who don’t have freedom of speech, abundant food or democracy. That’s why we’re so lucky to live in America.”...Billy then asked his mother why bad things still happen in America, like poverty. “America may not be perfect, but if you ever have doubts about how great America is, just remember that you could be some poor, starving little child who lives in Hell. Then, it feels much easier to be proud of your country, which just so happens to be the greatest on earth.”

But Billy still had questions. If there are other countries on earth, then couldn’t they be better than America? What if there was some other country that had even more freedom of speech, abundant food and democracy? But Mrs. Peterson knew the answer. “There isn’t any country on the face of the earth that is better than America. Just remember, when compared with Hell, there just can’t be anything better than our American democracy. America is just so much better than Hell, that there just couldn’t possibly be any room left for improvement.” said Mrs. Peterson. “Not that I’ve ever been to an undemocratic, famine-ridden, censored country. Like Hell, I mean.”

When asked about his newfound patriotism, Bill responded “When you compare our country to a place like Hell, I guess I can’t help but love America! When I grow up, I want to help spread our wonderful democracy to places like Hell so they can enjoy our wonderful way of life too, only not quite as good. Because nothing’s better than America! Especially not Hell!”

U.S. De-Annexes Texas

After embarrassing us for the last time, Obama, backed by an overwhelming congressional majority, has kicked Texas out of the Union. “Now they can go do all the stupid stuff they want” said the President. “That way the next time they try to ban atheist petting zoos, they’ll be the ones to look stupid.” While the idea of kicking them out of the Union wasn’t constitutionally based, it was based on the gibberish crap they have been saying for the past few decades. Yep, all that talk of the ‘South rising again’ and ‘Seceding’ and ‘Not messing with Texas’ and saying ‘It’s like a whole other country’… well now we are going to give them exactly what they want. We will no longer ‘mess with Texas’; we will let them ‘rise again’ and ‘secede’ in their ‘whole other country’.

“We believe that this deal will work out well for us” said U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security. “We can take all of the U.S. border patrol officers and concentrate them along the Arizona and New Mexico borders. De-annexing Texas will also get rid of Tony Romo, who is conceivably the biggest embarrassment to any American institution at this point.”

The Mexican Government also had a set of special responses to Texas’ De-annexation. They are worried that they will be unable to stem the tide of illegal immigration now that the border is guarded by a small republic with no resources to speak of. When asked what the new Texan ‘Republic’ would do to handle illegal immigration, one former Texas Governor was quoted to say “Bring ‘em on.”