Jack Harbaugh: “This Super Bowl Will Decide Which Son I Love The Most”

            Last night, The San Francisco 49ers defeated the Atlanta Falcons, securing the NFC title.  The Head Coach of the 49ers, Jim Harbaugh, was about to be congratulated by his father, Jack Harbaugh, when other news showed up.  John Harbaugh, Head Coach of the Baltimore Ravens, led his team to a decisive victory over the heavily favored New England Patriots, securing the AFC title.  As the champions of their respective conferences, brothers Jim and John Harbaugh will face each other in the Super Bowl this February.

            “I have always tried to stay away from playing favorites” said Jack Harbaugh, father of the two coaches.  “But I can no longer sit on the fence.  When the play clock reads 00:00 in the 4^th quarter, the world will know which son I love the most.  My parental love shall be measured in the points on the score board.  And like parental love in the real world, there’s no such thing as a tie.”

            Naturally, this will cause the competition to heat up between the two brothers.  “Jim always got everything while we were growing up!”  said John Harbaugh, spiking his headphone set on the ground.  “And just when I was celebrating my moment of triumph over the Falcons, when I thought I would finally be the favorite child, Jim comes out of nowhere to steal my crown.  Well he can’t have it!  Just because he’s the older brother doesn’t mean he should get all the cool stuff first, and I am sick of hand-me-downs!”  Jim is said to have contested the claim of being the favorite child, as John was the younger brother, and got away with stuff all the time.  Snapping his clip board in half, John said “Sure, as the older brother, I got to do some cool stuff before Jim did, but if anything bad happened, it was always my head in the smasher!  He doesn’t deserve this any more than I do!”

            Their mother Jackie Harbaugh remarked that she will always love her boys equally over her son-in-law, Tom Crean, who is only the head coach for the University of Indiana’s basketball team.

NRA to Require Disney World Mascots to Carry Assault Rifles

            Due to NRA lobbying, a new bill passed congress today, requiring all theme park mascots to carry an assault rifle.  “Characters like Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse always give our younger customers a sense of security; they know who the character is and drifts off into a safe cartoonish world of invulnerability”  said one NRA spokesman.  “Now wouldn’t you and your child feel even safer if Donald Duck also had an AK-47 with an extended magazine and attached Masterkey shotgun?”  The answer from parents was resounding.

            NRA is aware that in the most innocent of childhood theme parks, some things are still sacred however.  While most mascots will be required to carry an assault rifle, the princess impersonators will not be held to such a requirement.  “Most little girls look up to these princess figures as role models so they may also become serene, beautiful yet smart and determined young women.  It would hardly be fitting to give something as brutish as an assault rifle to a princess.  So they will instead be required to conceal silenced machine-pistols in their dresses or elaborate hairstyles, giving them the sense of finesse befitting a princess.”

            Not all conservative gun owners are in favor of the bill.  One dissenter, Billy Club, said the following.  “I think the kids themselves should be trained to use firearms before entering Disney World and similar theme parks.  Like they say, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a 12-year-old kid with an AK-47.  And nothing would motivate them to learn how to use a gun quicker!  You want to go to the happiest place on earth?  Then you better head to the shooting ranges!  Or as it would formerly be known as, Animal Kingdom, where vacationers can go to learn how to use guns on more challenging targets.”  While Disney Corp. apparently rejects this idea, many employees have noticed the jeeps on the safari ride have been a bit heavier lately.

            However, one thing that all agree on the subject is that our children need to be protected.  It sure would be nice if there was some trained force of non-military gun users that could protect people from guns.  In a perfect world, a trained, professional group of good guys could protect us from the bad guys with guns.  But sadly, such a force for public good does not exist.  So we must instead make do with giving every one of every age and occupation guns to make us feel safer.  That or pay taxes for a better police force, but we have to have some priorities.

Source of Clinton’s Blood Clot May be Too Much Badassery; Raises Questions About How Awesome Her Candidacy Would Be

            After recently exiting the hospital a few days ago, many wondered what the source of the scare was.  Some thought it was stress; others thought it was just old age.  However, the doctors now believe they have isolated the cause of the blood clot.  One of the doctor said: “We believe that by scaring the living shit out of just about everything in every third world country, she was channeling overly high levels of Badassery and pure power.  The plasmaic byproducts of such Badassery stuck to the walls of her major arteries, thus causing the clot.  She then recovered from the major artery clots because she’s Hilary fucking Clinton, removed her sunglasses, and scared the blood clot away with her death stare.” One of her nurses also had the following to say: “Another important reason why Hilary Clinton made it through the blood clot so quickly is because badasses don’t get killed by a blood clot.  If Hilary Clinton dies, it’s going to be from ripping a jumbo jet’s turbine off, causing both her and the plane to explode, but saving thousands of innocents on the ground that would’ve been destroyed by the hijacking.  Or maybe she’d just throw it into space.  But a blood clot?  Come on…”

            Many think her health also raises questions about her candidacy.  James Carville said the following: “We already know she’s had this blood clot, but she got through that pretty well.  So now we’re trying to figure out what other things she could survive over the course of an election season, maybe even a presidency.  Assassination is not really a problem, because anyone stupid enough to take on Hil’ would never make it past the Secret Service, let alone take her down.”  Many analysts also speculate that Clinton’s blood clot may also indicate how easy it would be for her to Ahmadinejad her little bitch.  Because sanctions would be the worst of their sorry problems if she became head of state.