Ben & Jerry’s Releases New “Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness” Ice Cream Flavor

            Many young men and women find breakups difficult to cope with.  The following days are often filled with tears, lack of personal hygiene and yelling at romantic comedies like the actors could hear you.  And what goes better with all of that than a one pint tub of ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s?  “We here at Ben & Jerry’s love to make people happy with our delicious and varied types of ice cream.  And what better group to make happy than a demographic that is already abysmally distraught?”  said Ben.  “We’ve already been helping the newly anointed lonely for a long time.  Jerry and I had long thought about releasing a flavor to give tribute to our best customers, but were worried they’d see an unintended double meaning.  But then we realized that post-breakup college kids don’t see meaning in anything.  So that’s why we’re unleashing a new flavor: ‘Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness’!”

            Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness is made of “Dark Chocolate ice cream, nihilist nougats, abandoning almonds and let-yourself-go licorice”.  “This ice cream is great!” said one lonely soul.  “Almost as great as… Jennifer… oh how did I manage to mess this all up?  Why me? Why?...”  On the back it also lists all sorts of great activities to engage in while eating this flavor, and any other delicious flavor of Ben & Jerry’s:

·                     Staring through your tears and into the uncaring sky.

·                     Listening to the playlists “She” used to make for you.

·                     Watching the Notebook, hating them every moment of their happiness.

·                     Curling up in a ball.

·                     Lashing out at friends and family while they support you.

·                     Cry yourself to sleep.

“No you’re not…” says Canada after Obama Wins Election

            On November 6^th, 2012, President Barack Obama secured the presidency for the second time.  After hearing the news, red states and their Republican residents outraged over the results.  “I can’t believe America chose a socialist Kenyan!  I can’t live in a dictatorship, so I’m moving to Canada!” said one anonymous Tea Partier.  “Why would such a free country choose such a tyrant?  I’m moving to Canada before the U.S.A. becomes the U.S.S.R.!”  This tendency to claim to be ready to abandon their country and their democracy to show how much they love their country and their democracy seems baffling to many.  Many foreigners, especially Canadians, don’t understand about how threatening to leave the country seems so patriotic.

            So in response to the statements of the aforementioned Tea Partiers, Canada released a statement that spoke for all Canadians: “Oh, Bullshit” said the statement.  “You’ve been saying this every year for the past couple decades.  And there’s never this mass exodus to Canada that everyone keeps saying they will join.  And it never happens.”  In a poll conducted in Canada about the U.S. election, one question asked was ‘Do you think the Americans will actually move here this time’.  1% said yes, 2% said no, 49% said ‘Oh jeez, not this crap again’ and 48% rolled their eyes and walked away. 

            The Canadian Statement ended with the following words: “The closest thing you’ve had to a mass exodus into Canada is the Underground Railroad, and that was because of slavery.  Yeah.  The slaves left because they were tired of being beaten by overseers and because they wanted to live free.  What are you going to leave about, Limbaugh?  Because you don’t want to pay more taxes?  Because the gays can marry in some states?  Come on… just stop talking.  Just stop.  Please.  We all know better.”

            “And by the way, don’t say you’re going to leave because of Obamacare.  Because when you get here, well, let’s just say you’ll be a bit disappointed.”

Polls Radically Shift as Nation Realizes the Winner of the Election Becomes President

            In the midst of what has perhaps been the longest election season in American history, we voters can be so distracted by the little unimportant things that we forget what to actually vote about.  Sometimes, it’s a random gaffe about cheesy grits and Davy Crocket.  Other times, it’s getting angry at a candidate who just might have forgotten his anniversary because of a debate, then looks visibly guilty on national television.  But whatever the distractions, the American people had completely forgotten that the point of the election was to determine who the next president would be.  After a collective mental image of Mitt Romney sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office, half of (maybe a little less.  Like forty-seven percent or something) America felt a cold chill run up its spine and then decided to not vote for Mitt Romney

            “Oh, yeah.  Completely forgot why those guys were out there” said an independent Ohio voter.  “There were just so many ads, debates and speeches bombarding me, I just sort of forgot what it was all about.  Good thing I remembered too; I almost voted for Romney.”  Another Florida college student also said the following: “You see, my dorm is right across from a gas station, and the prices have just kept going up and up.  And that made me feel bad about… stuff… so I decided to support Mitt Romney.  But then, last night I remembered that if I vote for Romney, then my vote and all the votes I encouraged people to cast would make Romney more likely to become president.  And since I, like most non-Utahans, don’t want Romney to become president, I withdrew my support.”

            The poll results as of last week: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 48.

            The poll results as of last night: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 2, Jon Huntsman 3.

OX News: Chris Christie Selfishly Engages in Bipartisan Hurricane Recovery

After the arrival of Hurricane Sandy, many along the eastern seaboard began to wonder how it would affect them and their day-to-day lives.  Among those people worrying about the super storm is the Republican Party.  At first, it looked like a great thing for their election.  The Hurricane would hit, everyone would be in a bad mood and then the country would blame it all on Obama.   But then, all of the election-helping destruction turned into unhelpful destruction when Obama started not only doing a good job preparing for the storm, but had that good job praised by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  “When the President deserves praise, I will give him praise” said the Governor, completely ruining everything.  He then went on to talk about how big of a help Obama was in alleviating the damage to the state and speeding up the process of declaring it an emergency zone. 

“I have never seen such a blatant betrayal as this one” said OX News contributor Charley Bratwurstscrewdriver.  “It’s been bad enough hearing all these moderate Republicans like that Colin Powell endorse Obama, but all of a sudden a little rain and wind hits his state and one of our hardliner Republicans said that he’s doing a good job.  How selfish could you be?  Just imagine if you were Romney and all of a sudden one of your biggest supporters says ‘He doesn’t give a damn about politics right now’?  Why can’t he put this Hurricane into perspective?!?!”

Hurricane Sandy is also a poorly disguised attempt by the president to boost his election numbers.  By politically showing off under the guise of ‘doing his job’ in the last days of the election, Obama can win the election.  It might seem all nice and bipartisan on the outside, with Obama and Christie working together to ‘restore power’ and ‘rescue drowning people, but it’s really all a big scam.  A big, helpful scam.