Senator Todd Akin Dooms Chances With Gaffe

            Amidst this year’s pivotal presidential elections, there are also the subtly important congressional races.  The GOP was hoping to catch up to the Democrats in the Senate with several Senatorial races that will occur this November.  One of the hopefuls, incumbent Todd Akin of Missouri, was expected to wipe the floor of the election.  But a few weeks ago, Sen. Akin made a remark about ‘legitimate rape’, which has dashed any hopes of reelection for Rep. Akin.  Yet, despite criticism within his own party, he continues to run for office.  Mitt Romney, the GOP’s republican candidate for president, tried to convince Todd Akin to drop out of the race last Saturday: “You see Mr. Akin, and this is just what I understand from Dr. Paul, in the case of an illegitimate candidate, the voter has a way of shutting down any interest in that candidate.  But let’s just say that this does work or something, I think that the punishment should fall on you if you lose and not the entire Republican Party.”

            Realizing he just said something truly ironic and funny, Mitt Romney then went on to make an off-color joke questioning Barack Obama’s birthplace, pulling the Republican Party back to earth.  In relative terms.

University of Iowa Unable to Determine the Correlation between College Students and Underage Drinking

            A few days ago, the University of Iowa was named the #2 Party School in the country, and one of the guidelines for determining a university a ‘party school’ is the amount of alcohol consumption by the students of that university.  “We just can’t seem to figure out why, though” said sociology professor Hayden Dry.  “No matter how hard we try, we just can’t ever seem to find a way to get eighteen to twenty year old kids to stop drinking.”  Professor Dry went on to describe their efforts at determining the source of the problem, but even then, Professor Dry and his colleagues were unable to discern an answer.  “What would drive a young adult to drink alcohol in a small city nothing surrounding it?  Why would a young adult drink in a city with so many bars and houses?  No matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to figure it out.”

            After hitting one too many dead ends on the matter, the University decided to take action.  “Since we can’t discern the source of the problem, we will take a more direct approach; by making laws that vaguely deal with the problem.  We will create laws that are within the general topic of the problem, but in no way deal with why kids drink.  We will take away underage students only source of drinking: bars.  We will make them take mandatory courses about sexual assault and alcohol abuse, which will cause all the students to really think about the depth of their decisions.  We will give student organizations money to attract kids away from drinking, but not enough money to run anything effective enough.  All of these strategies are proven to work… right?” said professor Dry.

Anti-Gay Lemonade Stand Makes $10,000 on Its Opening Day

            Lemonade Stands, the main source of income for kids between the ages of 6 and 12, are as American as Jesus and Apple Pie.  But like all things American, Lemonade would eventually become politicized and make record profits.  Today, Lemonade did just that.

            An eight year old, job-creating entrepreneur, Jack Johnson, opened his lemonade stand in his hometown of Rabbit Hash, Mississippi.  He started his stand with a simple dream: fresh-squeezed lemonade, fast and friendly service, and God’s hand of Judgment bringing swift and deadly justice upon the gay community.  He then named his lemonade stand ‘Lem-On-A’.  “Us kids here at Lem-On-A know that customers will respond if we sell the best lemonade around and serve it with a smile.  Unless you’re gay” said proprietor Jack Johnson.  And the citizens of Rabbit Hash responded fervently.  Responding to Jack’s delicious 25 cent lemonade and message of Christ’s deliverance on God-fearing heterosexual married couples, Jack raked in thousands of dollars in the first three hours.  But it didn’t stop there.

            “Seeing the response I got after selling all that lemonade, I decided it was time to spread the word.  The word of God” said Jack Johnson.  “I called for a press conference at OX News.  And after all the reporters had gathered at our headquarters [Jack’s swingset in his backyard] I made sure that everyone knew about my lemonade stand.  I wanted everyone to know that delicious and affordable Lem-On-A lemonade was conveniently located on my driveway at 767 Reagan Dr.  I also made sure that everyone should know that God’s judgment would be upon us as long as we continued to dispute the meaning of marriage with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Only then could the world make it to the land of milk and honey… and lemonade for the low price of 25 cents.  Buy 2, get one free!”

Are Violent Video Games Like Angry Birds Making Our Children Violent?

            Many parents have long theorized that violent games like Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty make our children violent.  Whenever there is a school shooting or a petty crime committed by a teenager, many assume the inspiration for that violence was a video game.  Until now, experts disagreed with such ideas.

            “We recently did a study about the effects of video games on children, and we were shocked by the results” said psychologist Fred Sigmund.  “When small children who commonly play Angry Birds are left in a room together with several slingshots and small birds, they immediately started loading the birds into slingshots and started shooting them at not only each other, but wooden, glass and stone structures that we set up in that same room.  Those who were not familiar with the game committed no such acts.”  Many kids were also surveyed about the game.  Many, when asked if they had fantasized about harming their teacher or school bully with an exploding black bird, 85% of the respondents marked yes.  Many other phenomena included fantasies about launching blue jays through windows, eagles dropping exploding eggs on cities and an extremely fast woodpecker breaking through their neighbor’s fence.  Even more chilling, 37% admitted to playing with their dad’s slingshot.

            “It was bad enough when kids were thinking about stealing cars or shooting Russian commandos, but this type of fantasy is just dangerous” said one child psychologist.  “You see, most kids don’t know how to steal a car, and there obviously aren’t any Spetsnaz around to just randomly shoot at, but birds and slingshots are both fairly common.  It wouldn’t be too hard for a disgruntled kid to just pick up any old slingshot and bird and go on a shooting spree at the nearest petting zoo.  No pig is safe until this game is banned.”