Animated Disney Star Arrested for Possession of Marijuana

            It seems we have to report another Disney Channel star for something crazy, but here we go again.  However, it seems like the bad behavior of Disney Channel stars has spilled over into the animated field of the world famous entertainment.  After getting a tip off from their sister, Phineas and his stepbrother Ferb were found in an un-occupied apartment with 20 pounds of marijuana. 

            “It was so great to finally bust my brothers!” said Candace.  “But I suppose it was to be expected.  Ever since they started working for Disney… and I just knew that Lindsey girl would be a bad influence.”  While the girl she mentioned, Lindsey Lohan was not found at the apartment with Phineas and Ferb, many have suspected that she may be the owner of the weed the two smoked.  When asked about the issue, she responded, “That’s sooo not true!  Why does everyone associate me with underage drinking at pot smoking!  It’s so unfair!  Just because I smoke pot and drink excessively doesn’t mean everyone should associate me with smoking pot and drinking excessively!!!”  This was all her handlers permitted her to say on the matter.

            With summer vacation around the corner, this could also go very far to hurt Phineas and Ferb’s career.  As the basis of their show is finding ways to not waste summer vacation, any charges brought against them could keep them from appearing on the show named after them.  Disney is currently scrambling for a way to escape this predicament, looking for ways to settle the brother’s debt to society that don’t involve them spending their summer in the slammer.  It would also be very hard for Disney to produce any shows about what Phineas anticipates to do that day if it involves a prison shank, using Newports as currency or finding new and creative ways to scare the punkish little kids on ‘Scared Straight’.

            The actions of the two stepbrothers have brought up even more questions about children’s entertainment.  Why are our children always entertained by irresponsible people?  Why do they all seem to be working for the same company, Disney?  And why does Disney always project an image of innocent childhood when the people in their employ consistently do crazy and not innocent things?  These questions will never be answered, in part due to the pending lawsuits against us for using the word ‘Disney’ in this article without their express permission.

Asshole Community Feels Segregated

            With the battle towards equality for minorities and women almost won, many believe that segregation in prejudice have finally met their conclusion.  Sadly, they are wrong.  While not distinguished by ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, the Asshole community still feels a deep sense of segregation.  Many Assholes are having trouble finding jobs, starting relationships and being treated as equals merely because of who they are.  One Asshole, Mr. J. Erk, reflected upon his troubles: "whenever I walk in for a job interview, things always seem to be going well. But then all it takes is one involuntary flick off or roll of the eyes and all of a sudden, they know who you are, what you are, and then you know you didn't get the job.  They judge us before they even get to know us.  And even once they get to know us, they still judge us.  It's so unfair!"

            But even in the bleakness of the situation, the Asshole community is not without its champions. A group of freshman Congressman known as the ‘Tea Party’, do show that it is possible for even such a discriminated group to be represented in our beautiful democracy.  Along with several other obscure goals, the Tea Party will soon give Assholes the rights they have fought for so long for.  Semi-automatic weapons and bars, schools, and hospitals will greatly increase an Asshole’s ability to be themselves. "Being themselves" in this case means waving their weapons around to show how tough they are, or firing it off into the air to get a troublesome neighbors’ kids off the lawn.

            Still, much work lies ahead for the Asshole community.  Bringing equality to the masses means so much more than giving a minority group what they want. It is also important to teach the majority a new way of thinking, to teach them that in this new day and age where being an Asshole should now be accepted. "I have a dream, that one day little normal boys and girls and little Asshole boys and girls will be able to join hand-in-hand until the little Asshole boys and girls give the normal boys and girls Indian burns. I dream of the day, where a man is not judged by the content of his character, but by... What are you gawking at? Go away!" Said one prominent Asshole civil rights leader. Let this speech be a beacon to the American people to lay aside their prejudice and accept everyone among us as equal, even if they aren't at all equal.

Schizophrenics Given Bluetooth Earpieces Until We Get a Real Cure

                Recently, psychiatrists found that Lithium, a commonly found and easily distributed element, could be used as an active ingredient in a potential cure for schizophrenia.  However, as an element, it can’t be patented, so pharmaceutical companies refuse to use the ingredient to cure schizophrenia and are instead looking for a new way to capitalize on other people’s mental disorders.

            “We do realize, however, that we are leaving several schizophrenics to battle with their confusing reality.  And while aren’t willing to cure them yet, we will help them blend into society more easily” said Dr. Lev Orkian.  “So we will lobby congress to allow health insurance to cover Bluetooth earpieces for schizophrenics.  If we can’t cure you yet, we’ll just make it look like we have.”  The way the new product works is all very simple.  Most schizophrenics are known for talking to themselves, wandering about muttering things only they can understand.  Coincidentally, the same phenomenon is assumed of people on the phone until others realize they are wearing a Bluetooth earpiece.  Therefore, the best way to approach this problem is to give schizophrenics Bluetooth earpieces.  That way, people just assume they are talking on the phone with a friend, maybe telling an inside joke to them, or speaking in a language they invented in their childhood.  Either way, the schizophrenics, and maybe even the pharmaceutical companies, will finally be able to find acceptance in society despite their inexplicably irrational behaviors.

            Pharmaceutical companies are also looking for a cure for catatonic schizophrenics.  While they cannot release the exact idea of how the cure would work, they have said it involves requiring catatonic schizophrenics to be dressed like mimes at all times.