Mysterious Wealthy Vigilante Stops Bank Robbery: Who Is “Trumpman”?

            Late one February New York Evening, a masked group of thugs robbed the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.  They had heavily outgunned the police and had a heavily armored truck to make their escape with.  But just when they were about to escape, four solid gold ‘Trumparangs^TM’ flew from seemingly out of nowhere, blowing out all the tires on the truck.  Then, a masked guardian of the night, Trumpman^TM, flew down from the top of Trump Towers in his Trumpglider^TM, beating up all of the bank robbers and prying open the back door with his bare hands.  But before the police could arrest him for vigilantism, he vanished.

            “We’ve never seen anyone or anything like this before” said one New York policeman.  “He came from what seemed like out of nowhere, beat the crap out of people, and left, with nothing in his wake but solid gold Trumparangs^TM.  Who could this be?”  The Police commissioner has recently found a way to contact the mysterious Trumpman^TM.  This is done by shining a spotlight on Trump Tower, which causes the mysterious Trumpman^TM to exit his lair and come to speak to the commissioner at the source of the light.  “He’s recently mentioned getting an accomplice” said the commissioner.  “He’s looking for someone younger to take role of ‘Trump Wonder^TM’, as a sidekick.  In order become this sidekick, you must first win a twelve-week televised contest, defeating all of the other celebrities to win the coveted title of ‘Celebrity Appre- I mean Trump Wonder^TM”

            As a side note, no Two-Face parallel to Trumpman will be offered, as there is already too much screwed-up hairstyling in this parody.

           

Olympians Ban All Sports “The Americans Could Beat a European Country In”

            Earlier this week, wrestling was officially removed from the list of events that take place at the Summer Olympics every four years.  The U.S. Wrestling team has long been a powerhouse in each summer event; however, when asked for the rationale behind it, it was explained as ‘an unfair event’.  This was not the first time the Olympic committee has used this rhetoric.  Similar rhetoric was used after the Olympic softball was removed from the games.  Olympic softball had been around for a total of four Olympic games, with the U.S. having three gold medals and one silver medal in those four Olympic events.  Clarifying on the statements regarding wrestling and softball as ‘unfair’, the Olympic committee released the following statement:  “American and Russia have both dominated their respective sports for too long; America and Russia have jointly dominated wrestling and America dominated softball.  After establishing these far too long winning streaks, we must cut these sports out of our program.  It’s just not fair to all of the other small countries like China, Great Britain, France and Brazil to only have a few Olympic events to be good at.  While we’re at it here is a list of sports now allowed at the summer Olympics:”

·         Soccer

·         Table Tennis

·         Handball

·         Soccer

·         Not Basketball

·         Synchronized Swimming

In other news, Women’s Soccer may be banned, given the U.S.’s current Gold Medal streak of three.

Scientists Determine Way to Create Gold Involving Native American Sacred Grounds

            The question that has long eluded alchemists in the Middle Ages has finally been answered: mankind can now easily and simply produce gold.  “The process is somewhat simple,” said Dr. White Mann, a leading scientist in the study.  “All it requires is to consolidate a large number of Native American families in a certain area, and gold will eventually be discovered under their town or land.”  Many scientists, chemical and political, have long suspected that this was true, given the track record of certain scientists.  Dr. Andrew Jackson notably tested this theory in his famous ‘1820 Gold Cultivation Experiment’. 

            While several though that this finally solved the alchemy problem, but then it was later debunked by a lack of conclusive evidence as well as another infamous ‘1830 Relocated Cultivators Experiment’ of Oklahoma.  Dr. White Mann also said, “While we are currently conducting a separate study as to why the 1830 experiment did not work, we believe that we did not give the Native Americans enough time to cultivate, inhabit and grow accustomed to the land they were living on.  This may also explain why we never found any gold between Georgia and Oklahoma.  We are even starting to believe that the more sacred the ground is to Native Americans, the more gold can grow in that place.  Or maybe the 1830 experiment failed because Oklahoma is just an all-around, shitty, shitty place that no amount of gold can improve.” 

            “We may also have evidence that after blood and gunpowder has been spread over the fields where the gold grows, the amount of gold in that area may increase somewhat.  In fact, after the ‘Indian Citizenry Experiment of 1920’, the amount of gold found in the U.S. has plummeted.  This is because, as citizens, Native Americans no longer saw fit to feed their gold crops with blood and gunpowder to nourish the growing gold.  If we could somehow find a way to sprinkle gunpowder and blood on the lands of current Native Reservations, I believe that gold just might start growing again in the United States.  Of course, we’d first need to get this experiment approved by the Supreme Court… actually, let’s not do that.  It’s not like they have the power to enforce their decisions or anything.”

            In other news, massive oil fields have been found under the homes and neighborhoods of several Arab-American communities.