In one of the greatest
blunders of the Obama administration, the stock market crashed the other day,
leaving the vast majority of the country in poverty. In response to our economic weakness, Iran,
Iraq and North Korea have created an alliance, Egypt and Libya have united to
create a new country called ‘Soviet Union of the Muslim Brotherhood’, Cuba has
invaded and captured the southern half of Florida, and Alabama, Mississippi,
Arizona, Georgia, Texas, New Mexico and Alaska have all seceded from the Union to form a
new Confederacy… oh god this is so awe… inspiringly terrible… yes, this is… he
he he… terrible. Needless to say, this
is terrible for Oba- I mean America.
Yes, bad for everyone. No one is
benefiting from this but the commies.
This is also wonderful- I mean, terrible timing. This is right before the election and
needless to say Ob- … America is going to lose all of its credibility and vot-
I mean assets. Yes, Assets and
money. Oh, this is so terrible. If only I wasn’t rich as hell, maybe I could
empathize with all of you. Pity…
“I KNEW IT!!! WHO’S CRAZY NOW, KIETH!?!?! … Did I just
say that out loud?” said former OX correspondent Glenn Beck upon hearing the
news. “I mean, this is… just so
terrible… darn. Heh, I mean what will
the Presid- I mean lower class do to get through this crisis? It’s just going to be so hard to not validate
me… I mean, not die of starvation. Come
on, focus Glenn. People are dying. Must.
Not. Show. Inner.
Joy…”
In
other news, a few roving bands of maraud- I mean patriots, led by Todd Palin
are trying to, er, help, America by conducting hit-and-run snowmobile raids
into Russia to help alleviate the starvation that is now plaguing Anchorage. “Well, you know, this is a terrible thing for
America, and we think it would help if those radical socialists in Russia would
stop holdin’ out on us. You know, stop
givin’ all the wealth to the upper class of Russia and, you know, stopin’ them from
invadin’ America. You know, shoo,” said
Sarah Palin on the matter. Truer words
have never been spoken by frontrunner Rick Santorum’s new running mate. “Once my good ol’ maverick buddy Rick gets
the presidency, we can make it so I will never have to see Russia from my house
again.”
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