Michelle Obama Encourages Nation to Become Fat, Lazy; Obesity Plummets

            After a largely unsuccessful crusade on obesity, Michele Obama and Jill Biden have switched up their approach to solving America’s recent health problems.  Some have long suggested taxing sugary drinks, or banning certain sizes, as Bloomberg already has.  Others encourage that she should continue to make appearances on children’s TV shows to get to the kids.  So last week, the First Lady made an appearance on TV once again.  But not on Sesame Street, or the Disney Channel.  Instead, she made an appearance on Man v. Food to challenge the show’s host, Adam Richman to see who could eat the Mega-Choco-Cheese Triple Kidney Death Burger in the shortest amount of time.  “Who cares about health or exercise?” said the First Lady “I’m going to eat this burger because I am a free American, and that means I can eat whatever I want!” 

            The media’s response was tremendous, as this callous statement drew pause not only from her husband’s liberal base, but also amongst conservatives.  “This is merely another attempt by the jack-booted government nanny state to make the American people weak and easy to control” said OX News correspondent Chucky Strudelpliers.  “Michelle Obama merely wants the country to be fat and lazy so her husband, Comrade Obama, can take away our guns and liberties.”  In response, people across the nation, liberal and conservative, began lobbying for soda taxes, longer PE classes in elementary school and Bloomberg is no longer considered a lunatic by his constituents.  “Anything from the government is bad” said Spetzelpliers, “so if Michelle Obama says fitness and health are bad, then they must be good.  Whatever they say, no matter what they do, the government cannot be trusted.  Even if it's stuff we agree with.”

            In other news, Joe Biden recently called writing to one’s congressmen “something only hopeless nerds do.”

South Korea Invents “Heart of the Swarm” Technology to Counter North Korean Nuclear Threats

            After nuclear threats from Kim Jong-Un, the North Korean Head of State, South Korea has unveiled a military counter of its own.  “These nuclear threats do not come as a surprise to us.  After many years’ military stand-off with North Korea, it would’ve been foolish not to be upgrading and developing our surveillance systems and reconnaissance to its fullest” said one South Korean commander.  “That is why our Overseers are fully upgraded, ready to deploy changelings on a moment’s notice, and fully capable of detecting the North Korean Ghosts that would snipe our troops or call down a nuclear strike.  However, that is merely what we have been up to for the last few years.  With the development of our new “Heart of the Swarm” technology, our Zerg war machine should be more powerful than ever.”

            “Heart of the Swarm” is the latest addition to the Starcraft II trilogy, which added new units to each of the three races; the Protoss, an advanced alien race, the Terrans, the nomadic human race, and the Zerg, a completely biological race of mutated and evolved aliens.  As the North Koreans have been known to play as the Terrans almost every time, South Korea has come up with counters to the nuclear threats that Terran players naturally pose.  The South Korean commander, ‘zergrusher23’, had the following to say on stopping North Korean nuclear launches: “As South Korea has been a traditionally Zerg player, and as such, we have the following strategies in place to stop a nuclear launch.  As this conflict has already gone on for many decades, it’s a bit too late for an early Zergling rush; in fact they’ve already built all of the Ghost Academies they need to house the nuclear bombs.  However, their main strategy is to send in a Mass Marine force to shield the Ghost while he calls down the nuclear strike.  We believe that, with enough Banelings and a few overseers to sight the Ghost for us, we could take out the Ghost before he successfully guides the nuke to its target.  It would then be a few minutes before the next nuke could be produced by the North Koreans, giving us the window we need to overwhelm their base with a reserve horde of Zerglings and Hydralisks as backup.

            When asked about the nuclear standoff that occurs in the real world, zergrusher23 didn’t know what the press was referring to, and that whatever it was, this threat mustn’t be important enough to stop so many Koreans from watching and playing Starcraft.