God Announces Plans for ‘Bible: The Movie’

            To the simultaneous excitement and dismay of God’s many fans, God announced his plans to convert his most successful books, the Old and New Testament, into a series of movies.  “I remember growing up with these books.  I couldn’t get enough of them”, said Pope Benedict XVI, president of God’s Official Fan Club.  “I can’t wait to see these timeless books converted into a movie, but I’m kind of worried that they won’t get it right somehow.  I mean, we’ve seen so many movies sacrifice plot for special effects.  Avatar [both of them], the Avengers, 300, every movie with the word ‘Titan’ in the title, has done exactly this.  I mean, I love cool explosions as much as the next guy, and I know the fire and brimstone scenes are important, I’m just worried they’ll focus too much on them.”

            However, several people are dismayed by the news.  “Oh great, now there’s a movie about it” said Bill Maher.  “I guess we’ll just have to troll it like we do everything else we don’t like, like Blackhawk Down, 300 and Twilight.  Because if we don’t like something, then we need to ruin it for everyone else.”  Several atheists have also written negative reviews of the movie in advance to anticipate the movie they know they won’t like.  Michael Moore has already bought the rights to a parody of the Bible, insisting that he’s never done anything like this before.  “Haters gonna hate” said director Pat Robertson.  We’ve got a great cast, a great script, and a great following that will stick with us no matter how many chapters we need to chop this up into.  And if nothing else goes well, we got Morgan Freeman.  Even the atheists cant’ touch us in that regard!”

            And the cast is really excited to get going for the movie.  “I heard that there’s a fight scene between Jesus and the money changers at the temple.  Hopefully I can incorporate some moves I learned in Ghost Rider in that scene.  I don’t know how I’ll make National Treasure useful, though” said Nicholas Cage.  “You know, there are other actors who could probably play God just fine, but okay, here goes again” said Morgan Freeman.  And you don’t want to know what Madonna had to say about her part.  The question had something to do with a question about destroying yet another heroine held dear by thousands of people, but it was cut off by a swearing tirade and a tomahawk-style thrown microphone.  She will be playing the Blessed Virgin Mary.

 

            Projected Cast:

 

                        God- Morgan Freeman

                        Jesus- Nicholas Cage

                        The Virgin Mary- Madonna

                        Moses- Adam West

                        King Saul- Liam Neeson

                        King David- Christopher Nolan

                        Samson- “The Rock”

                        Judas Iscariot- Heath Ledger (resurrected by God to play the part)

                        The Devil- Robert Patterson                       

            Movie Ratings so far:

                        Chicago Tribune- 2 stars

                        New York Times- 2 ½ stars

                        L. A. Times- 2 stars

                        Boston Globe- 1 ½ stars

                        Atlanta Journal- 5 stars

                        Tennessee Tribune- 5 stars
                        Birmingham Weekly- 5 stars
                        Mississippi Press- 5 stars

           

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New “Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness” Ice Cream Flavor

            Many young men and women find breakups difficult to cope with.  The following days are often filled with tears, lack of personal hygiene and yelling at romantic comedies like the actors could hear you.  And what goes better with all of that than a one pint tub of ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s?  “We here at Ben & Jerry’s love to make people happy with our delicious and varied types of ice cream.  And what better group to make happy than a demographic that is already abysmally distraught?”  said Ben.  “We’ve already been helping the newly anointed lonely for a long time.  Jerry and I had long thought about releasing a flavor to give tribute to our best customers, but were worried they’d see an unintended double meaning.  But then we realized that post-breakup college kids don’t see meaning in anything.  So that’s why we’re unleashing a new flavor: ‘Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness’!”

            Descent into Dark(Chocolate)ness is made of “Dark Chocolate ice cream, nihilist nougats, abandoning almonds and let-yourself-go licorice”.  “This ice cream is great!” said one lonely soul.  “Almost as great as… Jennifer… oh how did I manage to mess this all up?  Why me? Why?...”  On the back it also lists all sorts of great activities to engage in while eating this flavor, and any other delicious flavor of Ben & Jerry’s:

·                     Staring through your tears and into the uncaring sky.

·                     Listening to the playlists “She” used to make for you.

·                     Watching the Notebook, hating them every moment of their happiness.

·                     Curling up in a ball.

·                     Lashing out at friends and family while they support you.

·                     Cry yourself to sleep.

“No you’re not…” says Canada after Obama Wins Election

            On November 6^th, 2012, President Barack Obama secured the presidency for the second time.  After hearing the news, red states and their Republican residents outraged over the results.  “I can’t believe America chose a socialist Kenyan!  I can’t live in a dictatorship, so I’m moving to Canada!” said one anonymous Tea Partier.  “Why would such a free country choose such a tyrant?  I’m moving to Canada before the U.S.A. becomes the U.S.S.R.!”  This tendency to claim to be ready to abandon their country and their democracy to show how much they love their country and their democracy seems baffling to many.  Many foreigners, especially Canadians, don’t understand about how threatening to leave the country seems so patriotic.

            So in response to the statements of the aforementioned Tea Partiers, Canada released a statement that spoke for all Canadians: “Oh, Bullshit” said the statement.  “You’ve been saying this every year for the past couple decades.  And there’s never this mass exodus to Canada that everyone keeps saying they will join.  And it never happens.”  In a poll conducted in Canada about the U.S. election, one question asked was ‘Do you think the Americans will actually move here this time’.  1% said yes, 2% said no, 49% said ‘Oh jeez, not this crap again’ and 48% rolled their eyes and walked away. 

            The Canadian Statement ended with the following words: “The closest thing you’ve had to a mass exodus into Canada is the Underground Railroad, and that was because of slavery.  Yeah.  The slaves left because they were tired of being beaten by overseers and because they wanted to live free.  What are you going to leave about, Limbaugh?  Because you don’t want to pay more taxes?  Because the gays can marry in some states?  Come on… just stop talking.  Just stop.  Please.  We all know better.”

            “And by the way, don’t say you’re going to leave because of Obamacare.  Because when you get here, well, let’s just say you’ll be a bit disappointed.”

Polls Radically Shift as Nation Realizes the Winner of the Election Becomes President

            In the midst of what has perhaps been the longest election season in American history, we voters can be so distracted by the little unimportant things that we forget what to actually vote about.  Sometimes, it’s a random gaffe about cheesy grits and Davy Crocket.  Other times, it’s getting angry at a candidate who just might have forgotten his anniversary because of a debate, then looks visibly guilty on national television.  But whatever the distractions, the American people had completely forgotten that the point of the election was to determine who the next president would be.  After a collective mental image of Mitt Romney sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office, half of (maybe a little less.  Like forty-seven percent or something) America felt a cold chill run up its spine and then decided to not vote for Mitt Romney

            “Oh, yeah.  Completely forgot why those guys were out there” said an independent Ohio voter.  “There were just so many ads, debates and speeches bombarding me, I just sort of forgot what it was all about.  Good thing I remembered too; I almost voted for Romney.”  Another Florida college student also said the following: “You see, my dorm is right across from a gas station, and the prices have just kept going up and up.  And that made me feel bad about… stuff… so I decided to support Mitt Romney.  But then, last night I remembered that if I vote for Romney, then my vote and all the votes I encouraged people to cast would make Romney more likely to become president.  And since I, like most non-Utahans, don’t want Romney to become president, I withdrew my support.”

            The poll results as of last week: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 48.

            The poll results as of last night: Barack Obama 48, Mitt Romney 2, Jon Huntsman 3.

OX News: Chris Christie Selfishly Engages in Bipartisan Hurricane Recovery

After the arrival of Hurricane Sandy, many along the eastern seaboard began to wonder how it would affect them and their day-to-day lives.  Among those people worrying about the super storm is the Republican Party.  At first, it looked like a great thing for their election.  The Hurricane would hit, everyone would be in a bad mood and then the country would blame it all on Obama.   But then, all of the election-helping destruction turned into unhelpful destruction when Obama started not only doing a good job preparing for the storm, but had that good job praised by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  “When the President deserves praise, I will give him praise” said the Governor, completely ruining everything.  He then went on to talk about how big of a help Obama was in alleviating the damage to the state and speeding up the process of declaring it an emergency zone. 

“I have never seen such a blatant betrayal as this one” said OX News contributor Charley Bratwurstscrewdriver.  “It’s been bad enough hearing all these moderate Republicans like that Colin Powell endorse Obama, but all of a sudden a little rain and wind hits his state and one of our hardliner Republicans said that he’s doing a good job.  How selfish could you be?  Just imagine if you were Romney and all of a sudden one of your biggest supporters says ‘He doesn’t give a damn about politics right now’?  Why can’t he put this Hurricane into perspective?!?!”

Hurricane Sandy is also a poorly disguised attempt by the president to boost his election numbers.  By politically showing off under the guise of ‘doing his job’ in the last days of the election, Obama can win the election.  It might seem all nice and bipartisan on the outside, with Obama and Christie working together to ‘restore power’ and ‘rescue drowning people, but it’s really all a big scam.  A big, helpful scam.

Willy Wonka Endorses Mitt Romney

          Over the past few months, many celebrities, newspapers and… actually mostly just celebrities, have given the American people their take on who should be the next president.  However, the Romney campaign claim that they have just received an endorsement that they are confident will change the tone of the race.  “I am proud to receive the endorsement of a fellow businessman, a man that shows the values and ethics that define my economic and social policies” said Governor Romney.  The man that he was talking about was none other than a certain William Wonka.  Many claim that they are not shocked by the endorsement, claiming that Wonka and Romney have similar backgrounds.

 

             "When I heard the president say “you didn’t build that”,it really angered me. Me and my oompaloomas worked very hard to build this wonderful factory. Tee hee. It was built on the backs of hard working oompaloomas, and also on the literal backs of several naughty children who tried to swim in my chocolate moat and then sunk to the bottom, becoming one with the building’s foundation. This was part of the reason I installed the suction pipe. At any rate, I feel the president is like an adult telling a business what to do. As a grown man acting like a psychotic child, I feel the need to rebel against this adult figure telling me how to run my beloved chocolate factory, and asking me how I’m going to pay for the medical bills of those four naughty children who stole my chocolate. Tee hee" said Mr. Wonka.

            A former worker of Wonka’s, an anonymous elderly man named “Joe”, expressed surprise at Wonka’s endorsement.  “I would’ve thought that Mr. Wonka would be all for government regulation of business.  After that darned Slugworth stole all of Mr. Wonka’s great ideas, I would’ve figured he would enjoy the government intervening to ensure that everybody plays by the rules.  But then again, he inexplicably fired everyone in the plant on extremely short notice and then replaced us with foreign workers, so, maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised…”

            The Chocolate Tycoon has previously stayed out of political elections, taking an extremely neutral stance.  This also happened to be during the long period of time that Wonka let no one in and no one out of the Wonka factory, while Wonka traveled the world to find new secrets of chocolate.  But going away for years and then inexplicably returning with an exciting announcement isn’t really trailblazing for celebrities.

            While this endorsement is sure to affect the election, many are still waiting to hear Gene Wilder’s version of Wonka’s opinion on the matter, which is more likely to side with the president than the darker, more psychotic portrayal of Wonka that Johnny Depp played in the newer, less liked version of the beloved film.

“The South Will Rise and Fall Again” An Op-Ed by a Realistic Southerner

By A Realistic Southerner

 

            Welp, I don’ know about you, but one uh these days, when y’all Yankees least expect, the old Confederacy will gather it’s arms and rise up.  And then fall due to a lack of organizational coherence, bad logistic infrastructure and lack of raw materials.  ‘See, us people in the South know that we ain’t the United States of America; we’re a conquered land: occupied since 1865.  And after over a hundred years of oppression, the Southern People will rise up, form a new nation in Richmond and renew the Old Confederacy.  Then that too will collapse due to a border-line redistributionist state that causes milk and bread riots.  Don’t tell none of m’ neighbors, but when yeh think ‘bout it, the South was kinda socialist near the end of it.  Compulsory draft, considerations to emancipating the slaves, redistribution of basic resources.  Purty socialist if yeh ask me.

            And hell, yeh just gotta think how close we came tuh winnin’the first time around.  If we just won at Gettysburg or Antietam, the English and French would ‘uh sent us troops and arms teh help us beat them Yankees.  Of course, they didn’t have ironclads, and the Union did, so it’s unlikely that they would’ve been able to win the pitched naval battle that the European forces would need to win before getting those troops and arms to the South.  But still, we almost won it.  We just didn’t.

            So you can count on it.  Them Yankees may not know it, but we’re-a-gonna rise up.  The Mason-Dixon line will once again become the borderline between the backwards north and the righteous south.  The border won’t last long, probably due to the overwhelmingly advanced and well-executed offensive the Union will inevitable use to crush our frontline, if we even manage to form one.  Sure as death and taxes, the South will rise again.  And then fall due to an overtaxed, death-ridden populace weary from funding a doomed war machine.