God Announces Plans for ‘Bible: The Movie’

            To the simultaneous excitement and dismay of God’s many fans, God announced his plans to convert his most successful books, the Old and New Testament, into a series of movies.  “I remember growing up with these books.  I couldn’t get enough of them”, said Pope Benedict XVI, president of God’s Official Fan Club.  “I can’t wait to see these timeless books converted into a movie, but I’m kind of worried that they won’t get it right somehow.  I mean, we’ve seen so many movies sacrifice plot for special effects.  Avatar [both of them], the Avengers, 300, every movie with the word ‘Titan’ in the title, has done exactly this.  I mean, I love cool explosions as much as the next guy, and I know the fire and brimstone scenes are important, I’m just worried they’ll focus too much on them.”

            However, several people are dismayed by the news.  “Oh great, now there’s a movie about it” said Bill Maher.  “I guess we’ll just have to troll it like we do everything else we don’t like, like Blackhawk Down, 300 and Twilight.  Because if we don’t like something, then we need to ruin it for everyone else.”  Several atheists have also written negative reviews of the movie in advance to anticipate the movie they know they won’t like.  Michael Moore has already bought the rights to a parody of the Bible, insisting that he’s never done anything like this before.  “Haters gonna hate” said director Pat Robertson.  We’ve got a great cast, a great script, and a great following that will stick with us no matter how many chapters we need to chop this up into.  And if nothing else goes well, we got Morgan Freeman.  Even the atheists cant’ touch us in that regard!”

            And the cast is really excited to get going for the movie.  “I heard that there’s a fight scene between Jesus and the money changers at the temple.  Hopefully I can incorporate some moves I learned in Ghost Rider in that scene.  I don’t know how I’ll make National Treasure useful, though” said Nicholas Cage.  “You know, there are other actors who could probably play God just fine, but okay, here goes again” said Morgan Freeman.  And you don’t want to know what Madonna had to say about her part.  The question had something to do with a question about destroying yet another heroine held dear by thousands of people, but it was cut off by a swearing tirade and a tomahawk-style thrown microphone.  She will be playing the Blessed Virgin Mary.

 

            Projected Cast:

 

                        God- Morgan Freeman

                        Jesus- Nicholas Cage

                        The Virgin Mary- Madonna

                        Moses- Adam West

                        King Saul- Liam Neeson

                        King David- Christopher Nolan

                        Samson- “The Rock”

                        Judas Iscariot- Heath Ledger (resurrected by God to play the part)

                        The Devil- Robert Patterson                       

            Movie Ratings so far:

                        Chicago Tribune- 2 stars

                        New York Times- 2 ½ stars

                        L. A. Times- 2 stars

                        Boston Globe- 1 ½ stars

                        Atlanta Journal- 5 stars

                        Tennessee Tribune- 5 stars
                        Birmingham Weekly- 5 stars
                        Mississippi Press- 5 stars